It's not a shocker that I'm addicted to pleasing people. I actually think it may be an illness that has been rotting my soul. What may seem like a forgiving nature is actually self-serving. It has nothing to do with taking the high road or actually being gracious. It has everything to do with my peace of mind...the peace that comes with knowing that you like me.
Anyone who really knows me, knows that I am indeed an opinionated person. But I'm not always truthful about my opinions. And, I am cursed with wearing my emotions on my face. I really can't lie. If I tell you everythings fine, you know I'm lying because my body language throws me under the bus everytime.
I feel like I've always sacrificed what I've wanted for the sake of giving into others. I have an uncanny knack for making friends with people with stronger personalities (please don't read into this and think it's about you...this statement is a culmination of my life experiences, so chances are, you don't even know this person). I talk big, don't get me wrong. I'll be the first to say, "Well, I would say," or "I'll tell you what I'd do," but when faced with it I never do.
So, my defense mechanism is to retreat, cry, get angry, and passive aggressive. A lot of work just so I can make sure people like me. All of these negative attributes actually make things worse. Why can't I just speak up and stand up for myself? Why is that so hard? At the end of the day, I just want this person out of my life because I've bottled up a lot of negative emotion.
It's getting harder to mask my feelings. Or, am I on the edge of being able to just let people know what I feel? What am I afraid of?
Easy...people not liking me.
I'm amazed at how mean friends can be to one another. I've witnessed over the last few months friends throwing each other under-the-bus or gossiping about each other as soon as they have the chance. And fair is fair, I've done this too, so I'm not putting myself on a pedestal.
I don't want to be that person. I want to be honest about my frustrations and want to be able to hear your frustrations too. Friendship doesn't mean that we always have to be perky and fun all the time. It means we take the good with the bad and show some understanding.
My best friend is my husband. It's an understatement to say we've been through a lot. But, he loves me unconditionally. He has seen every horrible personality I have up my sleeve. He's seen every crazy emotion that I've unleashed. And, he still loves me. I know he does. And that unconditional loves encourages me and draws me closer to him. It makes me want to be a better person for him because he deserves my best.
So here's what I'm thinking, take me as I am or not at all. You can't be my friend only when things are good or if we have something mutually beneficial to offer each other. That's not the type of relationships I desire. Perhaps these friendships don't really exist or maybe my expectations are unrealistic. Maybe casual friendships are incapable of caring about each other unconditionally?
Maybe I should be blessed beyond measure that I have my husband.
No comments:
Post a Comment