My Addiction

I never thought this would happen to me. But, I have an addiction. The "rules" say the first step to recovery is admitting this. So, here I go. While this may at first seem like a silly joke, it isn't. I have an addiction to Facebook. When my husband first told me this, I scoffed at him as being dramatic. I told him that I use Facebook to keep in touch with friends, high school classmates, etc. "I'm a social person," I justified, "this is my outlet."

But the reality is much more severe. Through the years, I've had some very negatives situations with Facebook. I've also have some rewarding situations. Rewards that I now liken to a Pavlov's dog situation. I get a "high" when someone clicks they like something witty I've posted, or agree with my opinion. On the other hand, I get irritated at reading other peoples projected lives and the pretentiousness that is pervasive on Facebook.

Recently, I've had some negative family "Facebook" situations. I've realized that I am not as emotionally safe as I want to be. So, I went on a "blocking" rampage. Some of these folks are really nice people, but because I felt so wounded, betrayed and belittled, I decided I needed to choose my audience wisely. I felt good about this. Perhaps this is a way I can stay on Facebook. But these situations haven't gone away.

I've had to have conversations with intelligent adults about actions on Facebook. I've had to "answer" for why I've de-friended or blocked people. I have family that I'm sure isn't talking to me because, gasp, I de-friended them. It's caused me to re-evaluate this medium and how it has changed social culture for good.

I can't tell you how many conversations I've been in that starts with, "Did you see my post of Facebook," or "She posted on Facebook," etc. For me, it just isn't healthy. I have a hard time with boundaries. I know this about myself. It's difficult for me to read something that irritates me and let it go. I am opinionated and as much as I hate it about myself, judgmental. This is not a good recipe for a user on Facebook.

So, I've decided that in order to restore some harmony and deepen my love for humanity, I need better boundaries. That means I don't need to know (or really want to for that matter) who is projecting how wonderful and perfect their life is, who is taking a trip to Paris, how many people think someone is beautiful, what your kids look like on the first day of school, how awful your ex-wife is, how you hate the police, how drunk you got last weekend, etc.

I'll admit, I will never cease being the social being that I am. But, I want my friendships to be something more than a pretend relationship. One where you are friends with someone on Facebook, but if you see them in a restaurant you're not comfortable enough to strike up a conversation. I've learned that not all family and friends REALLY know me. Therefore, my tone often gets misinterpreted, and likewise, I'm sure I misunderstand a lot of other people too.

So, here's what I'm thinking:

• I want to stay in contact with people. Let's do it the "old-fashioned" way. No, not snail mail! I'm perfectly fine with occasional emails and a phone call. 
• I'm requesting that Facebook permanently delete my page. I've de-activated my page without success. I need to be completely removed. 

I'll admit. I'm scared. Scared of being obscure. Life going on in the virtual world without me. I've gotten a taste of what celebrities must be faced with. It's so important for them to be "out there" for people to see and know, but yet, completely removed. The fact is, I'm not a celebrity. I'm just an average person with feelings, thoughts, opinions, dreams and desires...but I don't need to share every single bit of that with everyone. And those that truly care about me the most will understand all of this.

Noise

There's way too much noise in our world, in my world. Political rhetoric, social media, gossip, people telling you how you fail to live up to their expectations, people telling you what they need, etc. Noise, Noise, Noise...how can anyone be spiritual with SO MUCH NOISE.

CJ is learning about the Old Testament in Religion Class. He learned this week about Moses going to the mountain and God speaking to him from the burning bush. Surely, Moses needed to get away from the noise...and perhaps the insanity of humanity is what led him to go along with the fact a bush was talking to him. Like, "Okay, this must be the final straw before I crack, I'm talking to a bush on fire." The reality is, God needed to be present in a dramatic way to get attention.

I find that sad. Why does God need to be dramatic to get our attention. How do we fail to find God in the everyday life? The beauty a new season, the sound of the rain, the eyes of a child, the smells and sights of a church...instead we are so accustom to noise that the subtle ways get ignored. We think we need noise.

But this noise distracts us from the truth, also known as God. With the elections coming up we've all been living with noise. You know the kind--the television ads, the watercooler talks, Fox News, Chris Matthews crazy rants, celebrities, church leaders, lay people, automatic phone calls. What can you really believe? Do you really believe what you think you do? How can you believe anything with SO MUCH NOISE!

As I prepare for the upcoming election, I've been determined that I will be voting on morals alone and will leave money out of the equation. Problem is, I can't. Not because I don't have the balls to do it, but because neither side possesses my morals completely.

So, I'll break down the noise in my head and share with you, "what I'm thinking:"

• Religious freedom is VERY important to me. I do not want a government that simply views us "religious folk" as the minority and completely disregard deeply held religious beliefs. I am very upset about the HHS mandate. And as a woman, I do not believe this is about women's health at all. What's healthy is to not put any chemicals in our body whatsoever, regardless of religious belief. What's healthy for a woman is to be in a caring, loving relationship with someone that, should she become pregnant, is man enough to love and support her and his child. It is not healthy to alter our bodies that were perfectly functioning before for the sake of wanting sex on demand. I want to eat boston cream donuts whenever I want, but I know I have to refrain or else I'm going to die of congested heart failure. Too bad there isn't a pill that allows me to eat donuts without getting fat and heart disease. Right? Silly argument you say? Just eat them in moderation? Don't eat them whenever I feel like it? The point I'm trying to make is religions have specific reasons for not believing in birth control, abortions and sterilizations, And those reasons are not to be judgemental and prudish...the reasons are to protect women and men alike, both which are affected by the decisions. I'm not saying outlaw them, I'm saying, don't force people who don't believe in them to pay for them for people. That's like forcing the Heart Association to pay for my cholestorol drugs for I can eat as many donuts as I want. What? They would just tell me to quit eating the freaking donuts, it's not their problem.
• On this issue, my vote goes to Romney
• Giving Preferential Option to the Poor/Weakest in our Society. Regardless if we're American or not, taking care of the least in our society is the human thing to do. It's not about being the richest country in the world (can we still claim this?) or sharing our blessings. It's about our call as humans to help those who cannot help themselves. We have elderly citizens living on social security and still not being able to afford their medicine, groceries, etc. They can't afford the tax increases, the price increases, etc. We have single moms who are trying to work (because you know, get a job you lazy bum) only to find that their food benefits for the family have been cut in half and she can no longer feed her family, therefore needing to go to pantry's to make up the difference. The job only made things worse. We have addicts that have been driven to live on the streets with untreated mental illnesses that need food, shelter, clothes, love. The fastest growing poverty population in the US is the suburbs. We have families who are spending their entire retirement while trying to find another job and hiding from their friends and family how bad off they are. And, they do not qualify for any assistance. We need social services and money to fund them. On this issue, my vote goes to Obama. HOWEVER: I also believe the weakest in our society is also the unborn children in their mothers wombs who cannot speak for themselves. Should they be lucky enough to be given a live birth, they have rights--but have absolutely no rights during gestation. That's a shame. And, it's even more a shame the father has no rights either. I am a woman. I get it's a woman's body. Trust me, I get it. But, "getting rid of the problem" is often because the woman is embarrassed or can't afford the baby, not the right time, young, etc. I do completely empathize with this situation. I really, really do. We've got to make some other options available to these mothers. We've got to make it completely awesome that she would choose to bring life into the world and give another family happiness who can't have babies or who want to adopt another child. There are loving people waiting to hold these little ones. Can we make adoption cool, hip? What if Angelina Jolie started a trend, I don't know. Can we, as a society, embrace the unprepared mother and give her help and guidance and not judge her for having unprotected sex before she was ready? It happens. Like, to almost everyone. So, my vote goes to NO ONE because both sides are absolute on pro-life/pro-choice without bringing about discussions for alternate options.
• The Economy-neither knows what their talking about. Really, it's sad. This is the best we can do with all the supposedly intelligence we have in this country? Oh, I forgot, it's politics, we don't listen to rationale. My vote: Both have losing plans.
• The Environment-Obama seems to have a better sense on this one.
• National Security-Again, both seem ill-prepared. But, I have little confidence in Obama for this one because he has sold us down the river a few times to foreign dignataries. It's like finding out your mom was talking bad about you to her friends. "What the hell mom, you're suppose to have my back--you're my mom--don't talk about me." Yeah, like that Obama. Quit talking trash about us to people. That sucks.

Okay, just typing all this has created more noise. I think I need to go to a mountain and talk to God. I need to hear him and drown out all these conflicting messages. Mainly, I pray for God's wisdom and protection of this country...one I fear is increasingly being forsaken.

A Little Less Independence?

I'm not sure when I decided to be so independent. Somewhere in my life I came to the conclusion that it was the right thing to do so be independent of anyone else in your life. As a teenager, I distinctively remember making up my mind that I would not rely on anyone for anything. I prided myself on earning my own money, paying for my own things, having my own checking account and sending myself to college. I also prided myself on my own personal mission statement to never rely on a man for anything. That I can always take care of myself.

I do not believe that independence is a bad thing. As a woman, I struggle in observing women who, in my opinion, wouldn't survive very well on their own if they had to.  I've never envied women who lack education or the women who went to college just to get their "MRS" degree and then find a man who can support their every need. I do not believe it's bad to be "taken care of," I just unnecessarily worry about the what-if situations with these women. And honestly, it's none of my business.

I've spent the almost every moment of marriage trying to prove to my husband that I'm strong and independent and able to take care of myself. Some of this has indeed helped our marriage survive because I married a cop. And not just any cop, but one that gets called out multiple times a week outside of his "regular" hours. I've had to deal with some pretty big stuff...stuff that most "men" of the house would take care of. Things like plumbing, picking up car parts, dealing with roofers, moving furniture, building furniture, etc. I am solely responsible for paying our bills and creatiing our budgets. And, all this has just reassured me my need to be independent.

Then something happened. My mind started thinking about God's plan for man and wife. He didn't create us to be independent of one another, but to fit together. I realized that I need to tell my husband more often how much I need him. I may not need him for daily life, but I need him emotionally, physically and spiritually. He is the man I married. And I need his love and affection, his kisses and hugs and (fill in the blank), and I need his faith to help strengthen my own.

Last weekend we decided to get away for night, just the two of us. We went to the Dublin Irish Festival and had the time of our lives. Sure, we drank too much, but we laughed and goofed off like two kids. And, had more fun that evening than we ever did when we were teenagers. I realized that my dependence of him actually strengthens our marriage.

I haven't given up my independent spirit. I still believe that I should always be mindful to take care of myself and use the brain God gave me to do just that. But I what I want is to have the ability to be independent, while giving myself permission to relax a bit while showing my need to my husband.

More to come

I have so much more to tell but I need to get ready for tomorrow's trip to the Grand Canyon. I also can't wait to tell you about the Big Texan Steakhouse...it was amazing!

Right now it's about 9 p.m. and I would like to take a dip in the pool before I head to bed.

I may not be able to post as often as I thought due to internet connectivity and time. Plus, we're pretty busy on the wild west adventure.

We're having the time of our life and I think everyone should drive across the country once in their life...for fun. Of course, we still need to drive back home, so...I'll keep you updated, LOL!

Cincinnati to Tulsa

We've made it to Arizona. Wow! What a trip thus far. My dream of driving across the country has not disappointed. I have seen some of the most amazing sights and felt God all through the way.

Right now, I'm relaxing outside a secluded porch at the resort after enjoying a day complete with an early morning ( 7 a.m.) swim, nap and an evening Pineapple Upside Down mixed drink from the poolside bar. It was definitely over 100 today. I'm not sure of the high, when I saw the temp at around 4 p.m. it was 104. It's probably at least 99 right now. The hot, gentle breeze is constant and feels amaxing! Right now, life is indeed good.

For those of you curious about the details of the drive, I'll try to give some highlights without boring the heck out of you. If you're reading this, you most likely know me personally and know I'm not a lady short of words. So, I'll try my best.

We left Cincinnat around 7 p.m. on Thursday night. The original plan was to leave at midnight and drive straight to Tulsa. As last week rolled around, I began to realize that this probably wasn't the best idea. So, we hopped in the car and made our way out West! You have no idea how excited we all were. CJ kept saying, "We're really doing this!"

Just outside of St. Louis our head grew heavy and sight was dim and we needed to stop for a bit. CJ is in love with the rental car (Buick Enclave) and kept insisting we just sleep in the car. So, we agreed. It was cheaper and what's a roadtrip without at least one night in the car? So we pulled over to a rest stop and caught a few Zs and continued west. It's amazing what a few hours can do. Just west of St. Louis we hopped onto Route 66. At around 4 a.m. we were driving down two lane highways laughing and taking pictures. A little further down the road, I agreed to drive so Ken could get a break. I wasn't behind the wheel for more than two minutes when I say, "What in the world does 'pavement ends' mean?" This was our first of many experiences with Route 66 just ending. So, I hopped back on the highway and continued west.

Our first National Park visit proved to leave me speechless. We visited the National Monument of George Washington Carver. I was so inspired spiritually by this great man who did so much for our nation, yet remained humble and lived a simple life his whole life. If you're interested, visit www.nps.gov/gwca

The next step on our trip was Galena, Kansas--pretty much known for nothing except being the home to the inspiration for Disney's Tow Mater. The lady that runs the place calls herself "The Mouth" and she's my kind of woman. She talks fast and talks a lot. Disney creators literally saw the old tow truck in front of the place in 2000 and used it as the inspiration for the film. There's a lot of interesting other tidbits about the movie. I'll tell you later if you're interested.

We enjoyed lunch in Baxter Springs, KS and then heading to Oklahoma. Our first main stop in Oklahoma was McDonald's on the Will Rogers Highway. I read it was supposed to be the World's Largest McDonald's. However, I wasn't overly impressed. It was just a McDonald's straddling the interstate. Oh well, we've been there done that.

Next stop: Tulsa, OK. I was pleasantly surprised at how nice Tulsa is. The city was vibrant, clean and pretty. We enjoyed dinner at Joe Momma's (featured on Man vs. Food) and Ken and I shared the best pizza we've ever eaten. The restaurant had an alternative flair, relaxed and fun atmosphere. And, they served Woodchuck Cider, so score! For more info visit http://www.joemommas.com/

I highly recommend the Hyatt Regency in Tulsa if you ever head that way. Very nice accommodations. Too bad we just missed the Back to the Future Convention, LOL.

We settled in for a good nights sleep. We needed it. Next day is Santa Fe bound!

Vacation Eve 2012

For the last week I've had a few songs in my head..."Oh my bags are packed I'm ready to go..."
"Holiday Ro-ooo-oo-o-ooad..." "Get Your Kicks on Route 66....".

My carefully planned out itineraries for each day. 

It's VACATION EVE! I'm finally doing something on my bucket list See April 6, 2010 post! Tomorrow I embark on the ultimate road trip...driving across the country. I've been planning this trip for years in my head and on paper since April of this year. The itineraries are all set, directions printed, all the days fun attached to each little individual packet. I've done a trial packing run-through and have tried to anticipate for any cold, allergy, sinus, achy body situation possible. All that being said, something is bound to not go as planned.

A sample of my daily schedule. Control freak? Maybe a little :-)

And, this week has proved it. It's been a crazy week with some unexpected expenses and that was not on my agenda. So, I'm inviting you to stay tuned for each day of my wild west adventure. It's sure to be full of enough drama and comedy to keep you entertained!

Oh, and for those of you that are playing the 2nd Annual"Where They Were During the First Fight ©" (I'm claiming a copyright on this) please comment on this blog where you think we'll be when we have our first blow-up. If you are closest within 50 miles you will win the right to laugh and say, "I called it, I called it!"

Last night, we couldn't make it through the dinner at Chinese Buffet without the whole family fighting. We literally were against each other...no sides were taken but our own.

Happy Trails!
Christina 

Charlie's Coming Home For Christmas

I've been doing some mid-spring cleaning and purging. Good for the soul. Yesterday and today I spent most of the day cleaning and organizing my "office"/craft room. I went through so many pieces of paper that served as memories. Old paycheck stubs, pictures of CJ, artwork of CJ, scrapbook keepsakes, cards, etc.

I keep every card someone gives me. Not because I'm hoarder, but when I receive a card I know that at least for a moment, I was on someones mind...and that's a nice thought when some people don't go out of their way to even check on you on a regular basis. At least there's some shred of evidence that they did indeed think of you.

In the bottom of one box I found a treasure that I'm not even sure I knew I had. I honestly don't know where it came from because it was a "newlywed card" yet there were not other wedding cards with it. Just a random card in a box with random keepsake items. I opened the card and my heart stopped.

This wasn't just another greeting card I've kept...this one made me cry with pain and yet with happiness. Have you ever experienced that bittersweet moment where your heart crushes in your chest, you wail out in pain yet are comforted at the same time?

Let me take you back in time a bit to share these varying emotions that opening this card brought:

May 25, 1996-Charlie and Angie's Wedding
I distinctly remember this day but not really for any joyous reason. I've alluded in past blogs that my brother Charlie and I didn't grow up very close. We weren't even raised together. So much family garbage kept us apart. I sometimes liken it to a sad Shakespearean drama where two siblings were destined to be so close but kept apart by forces beyond their control. And, when they had tiny moments to reach out to one another, they didn't. I feel like Charlie's wedding day was one of those moments. I was kind of bitter because I wasn't even asked to participate in any fashion for his special day. I guess I felt it would have been nice to have some recognition since I was his sister, but the reality was, he wasn't that close to me and I barely knew his bride, Angie. She had people close to her that she wanted to part of her special day and why would she ask a stranger to stand beside her? I was working the day of the wedding at Coney Island and I remember grudgingly changing out of my khaki pants and Coney shirt into "church" clothes for the wedding. I arrived right before the ceremony to the realization that all the wedding photos were taken pre-ceremony, therefore, another elimination of my role in Charlie's special day. Awesome.

Being with my dad's family never brought good feelings. I didn't even play second fiddle to my brother or cousins in the eyes of my grandparents. I'm not even sure I ranked as an instrument. So, at the age of 18 I had enough cruel experiences to know that in reality, my lack of presence just wasn't a big deal....nor would I be missed. And, I was right.

I do remember Charlie being very happy. And Angie was beautiful. She really did look like Cinderella...I mean her dress really looks like Cinderella's wedding dress, and the blond hair/blue eyes. I remember the wedding reception being in a big field, music, casual clothes, and Charlie leaving to prepare the apartment for after the wedding. It was sweet. Here is a picture of the family together at the reception:

Shortly after Charlie and Angie married they moved to California. So, the chance of spending anytime with him was gone once again. And really, I wasn't sitting at home mourning this fact. We didn't know each other enough for it to have that kind of impact on me. And, when you hear over and over from your grandparents how awesome him and Angie are when you mention anything going on in your life, you kind of become glad they aren't around.

December 19, 1998-My Wedding Day
Just two years later Ken and I exchange our marriage vows in front of our family and friends and Charlie and Angie were not able to attend. They were living in California and could not (or chose not to, I'm not sure which is which, but it's water under the bridge at this point) come back in time for my wedding. I was not by any means devastated. I had a special day all the same.

December 21st-ish-"Charlie's Coming Home For Christmas"
What I remember is being hounded by some family members to "remember" that Charlie's coming home for Christmas and that I had pulled his name for the gift exchange. My family was so adamant that I not forget. I mean, I did just get married a few days before...it's not like I had a lot of my plate (insert sarcasm). Once again, I felt this jealous animosity of Charlie trumping me. No one seemed to care that I did just got married and had a lot going on. No, it was of the utmost priority to remember that Charlie's coming home for Christmas and not to forget his gift. Good Lord. I just got married and was broke! And let's be real, there's nothing that I could have given him that would have held a candle to the money or gifts he would be showered with from my grandparents. I decided that one of the surplus Corning ware gifts I received for a wedding gift would make a fine gift  After all, they were still kind of newlyweds themselves. Never mind, they'd have to haul it on an airplane back to California. Note: I'm not bragging about this and shudder as I type, but it was how I felt at the time.

December 25, 1998-Charlie's Home For Christmas
The BIG event...no, not the celebration of the birth of our Saviour, but Charlie's home. I'd be lying if I said I didn't get excited to see him. I always did. My resentment was really with the lack of love and affection  from my grandparents. Charlie ALWAYS hugged me and told me he loved me. I hope I never forget what his arms felt like, what his cologne smelled like and his voice sounded like when he said, "Love ya sis." He ALWAYS said this. And it was sincere. I think deep down he had the same regrets as I did about living separate lives. For God's sake, we were siblings. How messed up is it that we were more like distant cousins? Especially when we grew up 15 minutes from each other?

I thank God every time I see CJ and Justin playing together that it was because of them Charlie and I decided to have a real brother/sister relationship.

NOW, remember the greeting card I was speaking of? Well, I received it on Christmas Day 1998 from Charlie. Like I mentioned earlier, I don't remember receiving this and I have no idea if it was just a card or if there was a gift (lesson there to all of you that stress over gift giving, it really is the thought that counts). Here is what he wrote:

May 7, 2012-I sat on the floor in my messy office surrounded by boxes of memories and sobbed. Not just sobbed, but cried out. It wasn't just this card, but I also found random sympathy cards for Charlie's death, a piece of paper with notes on the cost of the burial plots including the details about the opening and closing of the grave, the copy of the eulogy I gave at his funeral, a program from his funeral, and last, but absolutely not least...this card.

I don't know how the afterlife works 100%. It's all on faith and everyone on this Blue Planet has different ideas, but somehow I think I needed to see those five powerful words from Charlie today, "I'm proud of you sis!" I've been feeling frustrated with feeling unimportant to some family again and today I want to believe it wasn't an accident that this lone wedding card just showed up with his loving words.
And today, more than ever, I'd give anything to celebrate the event of "Charlie's coming home for Christmas."