The Last Kiss

This movie was about several couples dealing with a crisis in their relationship--a 30-year marriage dealing with a confession of infidelity, a young married couple with a baby realizing they are not right for each other, a young couple deals with infidelity despite a baby on the way.

Each person in the movie that made the decision to cheat or leave did so because there was something void in either their life or in their relationship that they felt making a selfish decision would fix it. As you can guess, these decisions didn't fix anything.

The point made toward the end of the movie by one of the characters (who remained faithful throughout his 30-year marriage) is that everyone is tempted to make a selfish decision. Those who act on it have no regard for the person they love, and only think of their own feelings in the moment. A young man repeatedly tells the father of the girl he loves that he's sorry and he loves her. The father points out that any asshole can say they love someone, but the proof is what you do unto the one you love, not what you say.

People make mistakes....unforgiveable ones. I make no excuses for those who have been unfaithful. I do believe everyone has been tempted a time or two, but not everyone acts upon it.

So here's what I'm thinking: Maybe couples should spend more time thinking of what they can do to make their partner happy. Surprise them with their favorite meal, watch a football game with them, go to the ballet even if you hate it. Being with someone is one of the most remarkable gifts we have. I don't know anyone who truly loves to be lonely. Perhaps there are a few. Why is it that early in a relationship we're kind and polite and forgo the things that make us happy. Yet after we've built a foundation we become increasingly more selfish?

Relationships are hard. Music doesn't automatically play in the background when your spouse comes home from work. In my house, I'm not even sure when Ken is able to come home. And, there aren't rose petals leading up to the bedroom full of candelight. Instead, there are Legos strewn around the house, empty cans in the game room and always the sound of video games instead of violins. This is real life. And you know what, I love it.

I love movies. I look forward to this blog series on movies. But I've got to learn that real life isn't one. And what a shame movies miss out on real life. Perhaps you can't write a movie as good as the one you're living.

Becoming Jane

I've done a tad of cleaning of the holiday break (and I mean only a tad). I tend to be OCD when I clean, which I why I don't do it a lot. I obsess over insignificant items like the direction the teaspoons and tablespoons are placed in the drawer, the directions of books on the shelf (tallest to shortest), and alphabetizing my DVDs.

As I was sorting through the DVDs I discovered quite a large amount of DVDs never opened. Many of these I've seen before, some I haven't. So, I've decided to watch them all (even if I've seen them and write about them.

Tonight, I chose the first movie, a Netflix rental, "Becoming Jane." This movie is about the life of Jane Austen.

Jane Austen was a very modern woman for her times. She understood human nature and the heart in a way that wasn't necessarily socially acceptable. It was heartbreaking to watch the expectations Jane's family placed on her to marry in order ensure her family's financial success. During her era, this was common for women to marry in order to secure a comfortable life despite not being in love. There weren't employment options for women then as there are now. The only viable option for her was to marry. Amazingly, her father believed so deeply in her dream to "live by the pen" that he bought her expensive paper and a writing desk in order to encourage her gift.

Jane was a black sheep in her society. She wanted to depend on herself for her fortune and not on an arranged marriage. As I reflect on all this, my first thought was, "whoa, how times have changed." But as I thought further, I wondered, "Have they?"

Women do have so many more options today. And many are able to articulate their desire for a career  without disapproval from their family or society. Matter-of-fact, it is socially acceptable for women to create their own fortune. But there are many women who do marry with the idea of financial security in the back of their mind. They choose a husband that they do indeed love, but the package deal is a good job and perhaps a wealthy family. There are still jokes about women attending college in search of the "MRS degree." I don't want to go down the path of passing judgement on any of this, but I do have some thoughts.

So here's what I'm thinking: Life is as uncertain today as it was in the 1800s. Women can marry for financial security only to find their world ripped out from under them. I've witnessed women having their "secure" life changed by divorce or death of a spouse. These women no longer had the "luxury" of depending on a man for their financial means. They've had to live by their own "pen" in order to survive. These women had already developed skills or had an occupation they could rely on. I'm sure there are tragic stories of women not knowing how to survive when unfortunate circumstances befell them.

My thoughts aren't to say women should or shouldn't work, but rather, women should be strong and independent in order to survive life's curve balls. This isn't about being political, burning bras, women's lib, etc. It's about being able to care for oneself.

Women like Jane had to sacrifice a lot in order to make a very impossible decision. She turned down an offer of marriage that would have turned her families financial decison for the better. Matter-of-fact, she never married at all. How lucky us women are today that our decisions aren't so difficult. We do have so many choices. So, whatever you choose, ensure your choice doesn't leave you dependent and helpless.

A New Journey

I've been spending a considerable amount of time thinking about a lot of things. I just turned 33...Happy Birthday to me!

There wasn't any crisis associated with this birthday. I've been asked a few times if I feel older and I don't. That's a good thing. I've actually just felt more inspired. Like something has clicked. I've decided to begin a new journey.

I don't have a name or definition for this journey yet. It may never have a name. All I can say is that whatever is in my head is revitatlizing me. I feel more youthful, in fact!

This journey is not going to feed off negativity. It is not superficial. It's not mimicking someone else's journey. I'm not afraid to go on it alone...matter-of-fact, I need to. And, that means I've resolved to let go of the dependence of what others think of me. At this point in my life, if you're worth it to me, you know.

So, I've lived for 33 years...just imagine what I'll do in the next 33 to come and beyond. I hope when I'm 66 I can reflect on this and pinpoint this as the moment I began a new journey.

Life Lessons-Thanksgiving Edition

More life lessons from CJ...this time the Thanksgiving edition:

1. If you are scared then don't be afraid. It's November, snap out of it people!!
2. If you like Thanksgiving, you may have to hold down the turkey so it doesn't run away when you put a knife to it to cut it.
3. On Thanksgiving, do not eat sushi because that would be disgusting!
4. For Thanksgiving, do not think that Halloween is over because it's coming back next year, so don't think that!
5. On Thanksgiving, do not go to an old creepy house because that will not be your mom or you dad's house.
6. It will not be a good time to go to the beach because how are you going to have Thanksgiving with your mom or dad?
7. Do not leave food out because worms will become in your house. P.S. It will be disgusting because then you will have to pick it up and you have to throw it away and it will smell your house up.
8. Do not have a party for kids because you don't want your house to shake when you are eating.
9. If you shop for Christmas then you are really really dumb because it's Thanksgiving people!
10. When it's Christmas eve and you already decorated, you should have decorated for Thanksgiving...and next time, that's what you want to think. P.S. Try remembering next time.

365 Days

Three hundred and sixty-five days ago my brother Charlie died.

He lived for 37 years and now has been gone for 365 days. I wish I could tell you that I've made peace in the last year and have complete understanding of why it happened. But, I can't.

I wish I could say all the words of "comfort" helped, but I don't actually believe God needed him more or it was "his time." None of those actually make sense to me.

I wish that I could be at a point to believe in the power of prayer again, but I don't. So, know that when I say you're in my thoughts, you really are. I just don't know how praying would actually make the outcome you're seeking "magically" work.

I guess what I've learned in the past 365 days is this:

1. Life is short...and not fair. You don't always get what you want no matter how good you are or how much you think you deserve it. And, it may all end sooner than you want. And, that sucks.
2. God listens...but may not grant our wishes. God is much more a mystery to me than he was 366 days ago. I don't think He's a jerk or liar. I just think I may have believed in him in a way that contradicted who He really is. I know, I'm not making much sense, but it makes sense to me.
3. There's no harm in just living your life to the fullest. I've taken the opportunity to just have fun over the past year despite my sadness. I've shared tears with a total stranger in New Orleans who also lost her brother last year. We cried real tears, laughed, hugged and took a few shots together.
4. I'm less concerned with the title of my denomination. I've been raised Baptist my whole life, but really, I feel like I get Jesus more without the confines of the Baptist faith.
5. Jesus is amazing. I actually wish I could have walked and talked with him in the flesh. I'm also glad he's forgiving!
6. Drinking is a dysfunctional band-aid. That's all I'm gonna say.
7. You can mourn the death of a loved one and still cope. This says nothing about the feelings you have for this person. You don't have to dress in black and cry all the time to show people how much you love them.
8. Random crying will always creep up on you and you shouldn't beat yourself up over it.
9. You should tell people how much they mean to you, regardless of how insignificant you may think it is at the time. You never know when it will be your last opportunity.
10. God is not a genie in a bottle. He's so much bigger than this finite life. He extends beyond the hours, days and years we're here on earth.
11. People die. They always have. And, it's always hurt the people that loved them. But time marches on and one of these days, we'll be history to future generations who will be dealing with their struggles of life and death.
12. I'll never "get over" losing my brother. I'll never forget him.

Life Lesson's continued by C.J

More "Life Lessons" from CJ in all his seven-year old wisdom. These are 100% his words including the post scripts. This time he edited over my shoulder and made sure I used the correct punctuation he had in mind, like an exclamation mark. Before long, he'll be typing his own blog...God help us all!

1. If you see a dust bunny, then don't give it water...give it dust for water or else it will be blown away.
2. If the dust bunny succeeds, then you should call dust bunny care.
3. If you see a bully at school, then you need to tell him that he is dumb because bullies are dumb.
4. If you plan a party, then you need to have a whole entire squad of daycare teachers take care of the kids.
5. On Halloween, make sure your costume doesn't scare yourself to death. (P.S. It will dumb if you scare yourself to death!)
6. Make sure in October you don't think it's December because you are way ahead of life.
7. If you go to the beach in October you will be freezing or maybe hot.
8. If you look up at number 7, then you are behind. We are down here at number 8.
9. If you're nervous about Halloween then there is something wrong with you.
10. If you watch a Halloween movie and you get scared, make sure not to go in your basement.

Living on the B List

If I were a celebrity I would most certainly be a B-lister. I would be as famous as the 1980s/1990s television stars that didn't quite make it to superstardom. I do believe in myself enough to think that I wouldn't be completely forgotten, just not the first person that would come to someone's mind.

I've joked with people before that I'm a B-lister. I've actually never been the person that's made #1 on the list of invites to parties, dinner with friends, etc. I'm not a trend setter, I'm not a drop-dead gorgeous person, I'm not as funny to others as I think I am (though I actually don't care about that because I often laugh out loud at myself).

But as I age, this becomes less important. I use to feel sorry for myself and wonder why is that some people seem to be a magnet for people's affections despite being self-centered? I do feel that the "confidence" these self-centered people exude lures people into their world. I'm not sure people like me lure anyone to be with them. People like me are, alright...but not awesome.

I'm not a bad person...though I do think sometimes I'm a bad friend. Despite wanting to have friends, I find myself getting overwhelmed with the work friendships take. And, that's pretty pathetic, I'll admit. How do I fit friendships into my already crazy lifestyle of being a mother to a school-aged child, wife to a workaholic while trying to maintain a career of my own? At the end of the day, my friendships suffer. But I make no apologies for choosing my family.

So, here's what I'm thinking: as I look at pictures of my former "best" friends getting on with their life without me, I need to realize that I've made the decision to be out. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss them and their friendship but I am not sure I know how to balance all of it.

Looks like I'm staying on the B list for awhile longer.