Finding Me

It's been a very long time since I've blogged...on this blog. Somewhere in all the craziness of my job I packed up my voice and put it away. I've been given a writing challenge so I'm unpacking my dusty writing voice and starting over.

I'm from a small town east of Cincinnati, OH. I came from a blue-collar family who provided a lot of love and all my basic needs. I  worked very hard in school and was the first of my family to attend college. While in high school, I became obsessed with proving myself and competing academically with the "smart" kids. And, I held my own, graduating 10th in my class. But, I always knew I wasn't quite as smart as the other kids. I hard to work harder in science and math. I wasn't labeled gifted, and so badly wanted to be. So, in addition to working my ass off academically and giving myself a lifetime sentence of anxiety, I put my inferiority complex way down deep by dreaming really big dreams. I was going to be a corporate attorney. To me, that would show everyone I was smart and successful.

I entered college as an international affairs major with a French minor. In my sophomore year of college, I joined ROTC with the goal of joining the JAG Corps. However, it became quickly apparent that I no longer wanted to be enrolled in my major or ROTC. So, I decided to switch majors. One of the subjects I have always been interested in is history. I love nearly everything about history. So, I headed to the history department only to be highly discouraged from becoming a history major. Feeling lost, I took a quick stock of what else interested me. Advertising! That sounds fun! So, I headed to the communications office but the advertising advisor was not in his office. However, the public relations advisor was and after a chat with him, I decided to switch my major and become a PR major.

By Christmas break of my junior year, I was married and by senior year I decided that I didn't want to go to law school. I was actually afraid of the LSAT and I just wanted to start working. But, the decision to not go to law school left me very lost. And, honestly, I have been ever since...20 years later! It's not that I want to be a lawyer, it's just that I don't know what I want to do when I grow up. I've spent my whole career in the non-profit sector convincing myself that I'm doing good, but really, I only think that non-profit is as good as I can do. I've spent my whole career working to prove myself, busting my ass to go the extra mile for half the pay my peers in corporate America make. I've told myself over and over that I'm making a difference, but really it's just the story I tell myself to make me feel better.

So, I am not at a mid-life crossroads. I don't want to do what I do anymore, but I've squashed my passion. The need to pay the bills and have flexibility as a wife and mother have taken precedent over my dreams. So, after watching many inspirational videos I came across a TEDx video about "Living Your Legend" and it resonated with me. Except, I don't know what my passion really is. I'm so interested in so many things. But, the one thing that lights me up is history and travel. I can literally feel my eyes twinkle when I have the opportunity to talk to people about these two topics---especially when they are combined. All our family vacations center around history. I have a coveted National Park Passport that looks like it survived the Titanic. Today, I joined Live your Legend and I'm hoping I can gain clarity about my purpose and find a way to use this to support myself financially. I'm ready to make my own history.