My Addiction

I never thought this would happen to me. But, I have an addiction. The "rules" say the first step to recovery is admitting this. So, here I go. While this may at first seem like a silly joke, it isn't. I have an addiction to Facebook. When my husband first told me this, I scoffed at him as being dramatic. I told him that I use Facebook to keep in touch with friends, high school classmates, etc. "I'm a social person," I justified, "this is my outlet."

But the reality is much more severe. Through the years, I've had some very negatives situations with Facebook. I've also have some rewarding situations. Rewards that I now liken to a Pavlov's dog situation. I get a "high" when someone clicks they like something witty I've posted, or agree with my opinion. On the other hand, I get irritated at reading other peoples projected lives and the pretentiousness that is pervasive on Facebook.

Recently, I've had some negative family "Facebook" situations. I've realized that I am not as emotionally safe as I want to be. So, I went on a "blocking" rampage. Some of these folks are really nice people, but because I felt so wounded, betrayed and belittled, I decided I needed to choose my audience wisely. I felt good about this. Perhaps this is a way I can stay on Facebook. But these situations haven't gone away.

I've had to have conversations with intelligent adults about actions on Facebook. I've had to "answer" for why I've de-friended or blocked people. I have family that I'm sure isn't talking to me because, gasp, I de-friended them. It's caused me to re-evaluate this medium and how it has changed social culture for good.

I can't tell you how many conversations I've been in that starts with, "Did you see my post of Facebook," or "She posted on Facebook," etc. For me, it just isn't healthy. I have a hard time with boundaries. I know this about myself. It's difficult for me to read something that irritates me and let it go. I am opinionated and as much as I hate it about myself, judgmental. This is not a good recipe for a user on Facebook.

So, I've decided that in order to restore some harmony and deepen my love for humanity, I need better boundaries. That means I don't need to know (or really want to for that matter) who is projecting how wonderful and perfect their life is, who is taking a trip to Paris, how many people think someone is beautiful, what your kids look like on the first day of school, how awful your ex-wife is, how you hate the police, how drunk you got last weekend, etc.

I'll admit, I will never cease being the social being that I am. But, I want my friendships to be something more than a pretend relationship. One where you are friends with someone on Facebook, but if you see them in a restaurant you're not comfortable enough to strike up a conversation. I've learned that not all family and friends REALLY know me. Therefore, my tone often gets misinterpreted, and likewise, I'm sure I misunderstand a lot of other people too.

So, here's what I'm thinking:

• I want to stay in contact with people. Let's do it the "old-fashioned" way. No, not snail mail! I'm perfectly fine with occasional emails and a phone call. 
• I'm requesting that Facebook permanently delete my page. I've de-activated my page without success. I need to be completely removed. 

I'll admit. I'm scared. Scared of being obscure. Life going on in the virtual world without me. I've gotten a taste of what celebrities must be faced with. It's so important for them to be "out there" for people to see and know, but yet, completely removed. The fact is, I'm not a celebrity. I'm just an average person with feelings, thoughts, opinions, dreams and desires...but I don't need to share every single bit of that with everyone. And those that truly care about me the most will understand all of this.