I'm not sure when I decided to be so independent. Somewhere in my life I came to the conclusion that it was the right thing to do so be independent of anyone else in your life. As a teenager, I distinctively remember making up my mind that I would not rely on anyone for anything. I prided myself on earning my own money, paying for my own things, having my own checking account and sending myself to college. I also prided myself on my own personal mission statement to never rely on a man for anything. That I can always take care of myself.
I do not believe that independence is a bad thing. As a woman, I struggle in observing women who, in my opinion, wouldn't survive very well on their own if they had to. I've never envied women who lack education or the women who went to college just to get their "MRS" degree and then find a man who can support their every need. I do not believe it's bad to be "taken care of," I just unnecessarily worry about the what-if situations with these women. And honestly, it's none of my business.
I've spent the almost every moment of marriage trying to prove to my husband that I'm strong and independent and able to take care of myself. Some of this has indeed helped our marriage survive because I married a cop. And not just any cop, but one that gets called out multiple times a week outside of his "regular" hours. I've had to deal with some pretty big stuff...stuff that most "men" of the house would take care of. Things like plumbing, picking up car parts, dealing with roofers, moving furniture, building furniture, etc. I am solely responsible for paying our bills and creatiing our budgets. And, all this has just reassured me my need to be independent.
Then something happened. My mind started thinking about God's plan for man and wife. He didn't create us to be independent of one another, but to fit together. I realized that I need to tell my husband more often how much I need him. I may not need him for daily life, but I need him emotionally, physically and spiritually. He is the man I married. And I need his love and affection, his kisses and hugs and (fill in the blank), and I need his faith to help strengthen my own.
Last weekend we decided to get away for night, just the two of us. We went to the Dublin Irish Festival and had the time of our lives. Sure, we drank too much, but we laughed and goofed off like two kids. And, had more fun that evening than we ever did when we were teenagers. I realized that my dependence of him actually strengthens our marriage.
I haven't given up my independent spirit. I still believe that I should always be mindful to take care of myself and use the brain God gave me to do just that. But I what I want is to have the ability to be independent, while giving myself permission to relax a bit while showing my need to my husband.
