I keep every card someone gives me. Not because I'm hoarder, but when I receive a card I know that at least for a moment, I was on someones mind...and that's a nice thought when some people don't go out of their way to even check on you on a regular basis. At least there's some shred of evidence that they did indeed think of you.
In the bottom of one box I found a treasure that I'm not even sure I knew I had. I honestly don't know where it came from because it was a "newlywed card" yet there were not other wedding cards with it. Just a random card in a box with random keepsake items. I opened the card and my heart stopped.
This wasn't just another greeting card I've kept...this one made me cry with pain and yet with happiness. Have you ever experienced that bittersweet moment where your heart crushes in your chest, you wail out in pain yet are comforted at the same time?
Let me take you back in time a bit to share these varying emotions that opening this card brought:
May 25, 1996-Charlie and Angie's Wedding
I distinctly remember this day but not really for any joyous reason. I've alluded in past blogs that my brother Charlie and I didn't grow up very close. We weren't even raised together. So much family garbage kept us apart. I sometimes liken it to a sad Shakespearean drama where two siblings were destined to be so close but kept apart by forces beyond their control. And, when they had tiny moments to reach out to one another, they didn't. I feel like Charlie's wedding day was one of those moments. I was kind of bitter because I wasn't even asked to participate in any fashion for his special day. I guess I felt it would have been nice to have some recognition since I was his sister, but the reality was, he wasn't that close to me and I barely knew his bride, Angie. She had people close to her that she wanted to part of her special day and why would she ask a stranger to stand beside her? I was working the day of the wedding at Coney Island and I remember grudgingly changing out of my khaki pants and Coney shirt into "church" clothes for the wedding. I arrived right before the ceremony to the realization that all the wedding photos were taken pre-ceremony, therefore, another elimination of my role in Charlie's special day. Awesome.
Being with my dad's family never brought good feelings. I didn't even play second fiddle to my brother or cousins in the eyes of my grandparents. I'm not even sure I ranked as an instrument. So, at the age of 18 I had enough cruel experiences to know that in reality, my lack of presence just wasn't a big deal....nor would I be missed. And, I was right.
I do remember Charlie being very happy. And Angie was beautiful. She really did look like Cinderella...I mean her dress really looks like Cinderella's wedding dress, and the blond hair/blue eyes. I remember the wedding reception being in a big field, music, casual clothes, and Charlie leaving to prepare the apartment for after the wedding. It was sweet. Here is a picture of the family together at the reception:
Shortly after Charlie and Angie married they moved to California. So, the chance of spending anytime with him was gone once again. And really, I wasn't sitting at home mourning this fact. We didn't know each other enough for it to have that kind of impact on me. And, when you hear over and over from your grandparents how awesome him and Angie are when you mention anything going on in your life, you kind of become glad they aren't around.
December 19, 1998-My Wedding Day
Just two years later Ken and I exchange our marriage vows in front of our family and friends and Charlie and Angie were not able to attend. They were living in California and could not (or chose not to, I'm not sure which is which, but it's water under the bridge at this point) come back in time for my wedding. I was not by any means devastated. I had a special day all the same.
December 21st-ish-"Charlie's Coming Home For Christmas"
What I remember is being hounded by some family members to "remember" that Charlie's coming home for Christmas and that I had pulled his name for the gift exchange. My family was so adamant that I not forget. I mean, I did just get married a few days before...it's not like I had a lot of my plate (insert sarcasm). Once again, I felt this jealous animosity of Charlie trumping me. No one seemed to care that I did just got married and had a lot going on. No, it was of the utmost priority to remember that Charlie's coming home for Christmas and not to forget his gift. Good Lord. I just got married and was broke! And let's be real, there's nothing that I could have given him that would have held a candle to the money or gifts he would be showered with from my grandparents. I decided that one of the surplus Corning ware gifts I received for a wedding gift would make a fine gift After all, they were still kind of newlyweds themselves. Never mind, they'd have to haul it on an airplane back to California. Note: I'm not bragging about this and shudder as I type, but it was how I felt at the time.
December 25, 1998-Charlie's Home For Christmas
The BIG event...no, not the celebration of the birth of our Saviour, but Charlie's home. I'd be lying if I said I didn't get excited to see him. I always did. My resentment was really with the lack of love and affection from my grandparents. Charlie ALWAYS hugged me and told me he loved me. I hope I never forget what his arms felt like, what his cologne smelled like and his voice sounded like when he said, "Love ya sis." He ALWAYS said this. And it was sincere. I think deep down he had the same regrets as I did about living separate lives. For God's sake, we were siblings. How messed up is it that we were more like distant cousins? Especially when we grew up 15 minutes from each other?
I thank God every time I see CJ and Justin playing together that it was because of them Charlie and I decided to have a real brother/sister relationship.
NOW, remember the greeting card I was speaking of? Well, I received it on Christmas Day 1998 from Charlie. Like I mentioned earlier, I don't remember receiving this and I have no idea if it was just a card or if there was a gift (lesson there to all of you that stress over gift giving, it really is the thought that counts). Here is what he wrote:
May 7, 2012-I sat on the floor in my messy office surrounded by boxes of memories and sobbed. Not just sobbed, but cried out. It wasn't just this card, but I also found random sympathy cards for Charlie's death, a piece of paper with notes on the cost of the burial plots including the details about the opening and closing of the grave, the copy of the eulogy I gave at his funeral, a program from his funeral, and last, but absolutely not least...this card.
I don't know how the afterlife works 100%. It's all on faith and everyone on this Blue Planet has different ideas, but somehow I think I needed to see those five powerful words from Charlie today, "I'm proud of you sis!" I've been feeling frustrated with feeling unimportant to some family again and today I want to believe it wasn't an accident that this lone wedding card just showed up with his loving words.
And today, more than ever, I'd give anything to celebrate the event of "Charlie's coming home for Christmas."
