Cycles

Life...death...rebirth...

I've been fascinated with cycles without realizing it. Is there really a such thing as an end?

The leaves die and fall to the ground. The same tree blooms over and over again in the spring.

People die. But their spirits live on. So, you have to relate to them in a different way.

My brother's death gave my faith new birth.

The shock of his death caused me to question aspects of my faith that I've never questioned before. I pondered over the concept of God, Holy Spirit and Jesus. I wondered a time or two if I just foolishly believed some story that people use to explan the unexplainable. I couldn't talk to God because I didn't think he was listening anyway. Happy people made me angry. I just wanted to wallow in sadness.

Then depression happened. I became irritable. And anyone that had a problem seemed ridiculous to me because I thought I had all the problems. All I wanted to do was sleep and avoid people. I didn't want to talk with my husband. I just wanted to be sad and I was.

During the first few months following my brothers death I felt guilty for even having a good time because he couldn't.

And then I had a moment...

Last winter I had a moment in my car. I was in a parking lot outside of my gym and I felt a compuslive need to pray. Maybe it was the cross on top of the hospital building across the street, maybe I was tired, maybe it was he Holy Spirit. But as I spoke to God, I told him that I didn't want to be distant anymore. I wanted Him to use me for His work. I cried...hard...and smiled. I felt God. I hadn't felt that feeling in awhile. But, it's distinct feeling. The best way to describe it is a complete peace...when you have no idea where the peace is going to come from. You just realize that being in the arms of God feels this way.

A GIANT leap of faith...

I decided to continue my faith journey. And, I wanted to learn more about the Catholic faith that I feel very connected to. It's within Catholicism that I've grown closer to God and have spent some time healing (which I still am). I've been questioned alot recently about why I'm drawn to the Catholic Church. I can understand these questions as the Church is a BIG target in the world. With such imperfections to stain the image, I can see why one would wonder why someone would willingly connect themselves with it. But the reality is, every organized church structure is imperfect. So, if someone is referring to Church hierarchy and scandals, I get it. But the "church" is not those things. It is the living-breathing embodiment of it's members--which means sin and imperfections, but also amazing forgiveness and kindness too. I'm excited to report that I plan on being introduced to the church the first Sunday of Advent!

An ending and a beginning
It is fitting that my last day as a professional Girl Scout will be today, on Halloween. It's the "end" of a big part of my career. The "death" of one career will give birth to a new one. I begin my new role on November 1st, All Saints Day at The Society of St. Vincent de Paul. I will be in charge of their volunteer engagement program as their Volunteer Cooridnator. So, a new cycle begins for me. New people, new commute, new job, new things to learn.

I needed a positive change that was just for me. I've been living in a cloud of sadness over what I lost that I had no control over. I'm turning the page...it's wonderfully blank and ready to be filled out. A brand new chapter. One that is sure to contain more struggles and difficulties but also new blessings!