Still Inquiring

I'm still in Inquiry with RCIA. I suspect I may be in it for sometime. But I can't stop thinking about my faith, my history, my experiences and beliefs (old, new and yet to be discovered). I never believed that this would be such an enlightening experience.

I'm trying to find the balance of the people I can talk to. I'm excited and scared and doubtful. My daily reflections and thoughts ebb and flow with a certainty that I'm on the right track with a fear that I'm on the wrong one.

I've been cautioned, warned, encouraged, welcomed, ignored and mocked by a variety of friends. I guess the good news in all of this is that everyone is on a different page. I can only find a true journey on my own and no one can find that for me.

The reality is that I hunger for Mass all week. I've never felt this before. Now that I've become a little more accustomed to the rituals and have gained a deeper understanding of the "why" I'm finding that I'm able to participate a little more than when I first begun.

I still feel extremely self-conscious. I feel like I'm wearing a big "NON-CATHOLIC" sign and everyone is watching. I know this is just my self-consciousness and in reality people aren't watching me. I still don't know the words to the Apostles or Nicene Creed but I believe. I'm just starting to do the sign of the cross but feel like an imposter.

These are all very weird and human thoughts. God doesn't think I'm an imposter and the Catholics I've spoken with have been so warm and welcoming me when I tell them I'm in RCIA. Even those I don't know well at all almost make me feel like I'm coming home.

I have discovered so far that I'm so very thankful to my mom for ensuring that faith was an integral part of my life. Without out the teachings of the Bible in my Baptist faith I wouldn't feel as confident as I do about my decision.

There are major differences in the two faiths. Communion, praying to saints, veneration of Mary, etc. I'm asking to be led by the Holy Spirit for peace. Not only I have I been receiving peace, I've been receiving excitement and enthusiasm.

I've given myself the license to not rush or pressure myself and I'm trying really hard to be self-reflective. This is my spiritual journey.

I would like to end with one of my favorite things about Mass. I LOVE that the Gospel is celebrated! I've always believed that the Word of God was divinely inspired. But I love even more the Catholic Church proclaims the reading of the Gospel with such respect and adoration. This is one of the songs we sing at Mass in proclamation of the Gospel. I love it.