Still Inquiring

I'm still in Inquiry with RCIA. I suspect I may be in it for sometime. But I can't stop thinking about my faith, my history, my experiences and beliefs (old, new and yet to be discovered). I never believed that this would be such an enlightening experience.

I'm trying to find the balance of the people I can talk to. I'm excited and scared and doubtful. My daily reflections and thoughts ebb and flow with a certainty that I'm on the right track with a fear that I'm on the wrong one.

I've been cautioned, warned, encouraged, welcomed, ignored and mocked by a variety of friends. I guess the good news in all of this is that everyone is on a different page. I can only find a true journey on my own and no one can find that for me.

The reality is that I hunger for Mass all week. I've never felt this before. Now that I've become a little more accustomed to the rituals and have gained a deeper understanding of the "why" I'm finding that I'm able to participate a little more than when I first begun.

I still feel extremely self-conscious. I feel like I'm wearing a big "NON-CATHOLIC" sign and everyone is watching. I know this is just my self-consciousness and in reality people aren't watching me. I still don't know the words to the Apostles or Nicene Creed but I believe. I'm just starting to do the sign of the cross but feel like an imposter.

These are all very weird and human thoughts. God doesn't think I'm an imposter and the Catholics I've spoken with have been so warm and welcoming me when I tell them I'm in RCIA. Even those I don't know well at all almost make me feel like I'm coming home.

I have discovered so far that I'm so very thankful to my mom for ensuring that faith was an integral part of my life. Without out the teachings of the Bible in my Baptist faith I wouldn't feel as confident as I do about my decision.

There are major differences in the two faiths. Communion, praying to saints, veneration of Mary, etc. I'm asking to be led by the Holy Spirit for peace. Not only I have I been receiving peace, I've been receiving excitement and enthusiasm.

I've given myself the license to not rush or pressure myself and I'm trying really hard to be self-reflective. This is my spiritual journey.

I would like to end with one of my favorite things about Mass. I LOVE that the Gospel is celebrated! I've always believed that the Word of God was divinely inspired. But I love even more the Catholic Church proclaims the reading of the Gospel with such respect and adoration. This is one of the songs we sing at Mass in proclamation of the Gospel. I love it.

The Faith Journey

I've been very silent on the blog since the silent retreat. The time since my last post has been spent in deep reflection, spiritual reading, thinking, etc. I'm trying to find what I'm looking for (yes...that's a U2 reference).

Much to the shock of most who truly know me, I've been worshipping at a Catholic church since Lent. I've been faithfully accompanied by my son and husband, both of which have seemed to enjoy the tradition and rituals as much as I have.

I have been drawn to the Catholic faith for quite some time. But, there is no way I would have ever had the courage to go there. However, I've decided that I should find out what this is all about and not take it from someone who has never been Catholic that thinks they know everything about the faith.

During this time, I've been very tuned-in to what is going on with the Church locally and globally. I've learned a great deal about the Cathechism of the Church and have been challenged by well-meaning friends who might think I have all the answers to almost impossible questions like, "Do Catholics really think the saints can hear them?"

I've met with some wonderful, faithful and God-filled people who have attempted to answer my questions. And, I'm in RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults) to further inquire about the Catholic faith. This is what I want to talk about.

I've been raised as Baptist my whole life. I'm not saying this as if it is a bad thing. There are so many things I am so thankful for in my upbringing. I have lifelong connections with so many people, amazing childhood memories of vacation Bible school, Voyagers, church camp, youth group, etc. I remember the first time I questioned about getting baptized when I saw a kid a few years older than me get baptized. That's when I had the talk with the preacher to understand that I was a sinner and asked for God's forgiveness for my sins. I followed through in baptism and began my Christian walk.

I have a great understanding on the stories in the Bible and a solid foundation for a moral, spiritual code. As I grew older and had experienced some of the nasty side of church, which so happened to be Baptists because that's where I was raised, I decided to look for other options.

I tried the non-denominational route. I LOVED it! Contemporary music, free coffee, jeans (no suits, heels or pantyhose!), relevant messages, etc. This felt cool. These people get it!!! I thought this was the closest route to how Jesus wants us to worship. None of these silly rules. Church so big that people aren't watching me, etc. But then I became disenchanted with this too. Basically, I felt this was another group of "we're the cool kids, don't you want to be like us?" Well, no. I'm not sure you have it right either.

So, I just stopped going to church. Every once in awhile I'd visit a local Methodist church. I really like this church a lot. I love the pastor, a great kids program. But just wasn't feeling it. I don't know why...but I tried really hard.

Then one day I decided to visit a Catholic church. I took CJ with me. I felt totally out of place yet comforted at the same time. The message was good and I felt like God was speaking to me. This is the church I've been attending since Lent. But I still have doubts and I need to honor those doubts and find out what it is that I'm looking for. And, is trusting these "feelings" ever going to get me anywhere? Maybe I'm just fickle.

So, I want to chronicle my experiences in RCIA as a way to sort through these thoughts and revelations. I believe choosing where to serve God is the most important earthly decision I can make. People put so much time into choosing the "right" neighborhood to live in, what kind of car to drive, where to send your kids to school, careers, etc. Shouldn't the place you worship God be given even more attention?

So, next topic: When I asked about RCIA.