I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For...a prayer

It's not a secret if you know me that U2 is my most favorite band!!! Ever. Yes, I've heard all your "arguments"--Bono is pompous, full of himself, too political, greasy, etc.

I don't care. I love him and U2. The lyrics to the song "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" is my mantra. I'm on a very purposeful spiritual journey. I'm trying to find what I'm "looking" for as my spirit has been unsettled and restless. I'm searching for clarity and peace. So, tonight, my prayer to God is the lyrics below:

I have climbed the highest mountains

I have run through the fields

Only to be with you

Only to be with you

I have run, I have crawled

I have scaled these city walls

These city walls

Only to be with you

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I have kissed honey lips

Felt the healing in her finger tips

It burned like a fire

This burning desire

I have spoke with the tongue of angels

I have held the hand of the devil

It was warm in the night

I was cold as a stone

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I believe in the Kingdom Come

Then all the colors will bleed into one

Bleed into one

But I'm still running

You broke the bonds

And loosed the chains

Carried the cross of my shame

Oh my shame

You know I believe it

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for.



Unconventional Prayers

Lent is here. Since Wednesday of this week I've been in constant thought about my soul. This intangible, invisible "thing" that resides within me.

What is it? Is it a reflection of all who I really am? Is it a total of all the love, anger, hatred, humor I have? Is it separate from my intellect? Whatever it is, I do believe it is eternal and that it continues after my phycial body is gone.

It's not a secret to any of you who know me that I have been protesting prayer. This is one of the spiritual things that I decided was a hoax. I've been working through this. It's painful to listen to the cliches..."prayer changes things," "the power of prayer," "I'll pray you'll feel better," yadda yadda yadda.

If you've said these things to me, please don't take offense. I believe wholeheartedly you believe these things. I'm just not sure I do. I'm working on it.

So, instead of "giving up" some pretend sacrifice for Lent, I am choosing this time to dig into what prayer is. So each day on my way into work, I've been talking to God. Wednesday went something like this:

Okay, God. So, you know I have a hard time doing this because...(pause, I think silently, "because I don't believe it works)...well, you know why. Honestly, I don't even have the words right now. So, you know what's going on in my heart and mind, so can you just read them? I'm not going to use you as a genie in the bottle because I just don't believe that's how it works. So...(again I pause because I feel awkward). Okay, that's it. It's nice chatting with you. In Christ's name, Amen.

Today went something like this:
Dear Lord. I want to thank you for...well, let's just say I am thankful for things though I'm not sure it's because you have blessed me that I have them. I mean, you could have blessed me but maybe I should just be thankful for the good things in my life and thank you for that. Alright, maybe I should start confessing my sins and asking for forgiveness. Please forgive me for being so angry. I am so angry all the time that I don't know what is wrong with my soul. I'm angry, jealous, short-tempered, I say mean things. I feel like I'm going to explode so can you just send the Holy Spirit with me today and help me be slow to anger and kind? Let's start there. In the name of Father, Son and Holy Ghost, Amen.

So, as you can see, I have a journey ahead of me. I'm sure if God is listening he's shaking his head at my unconventional prayers. They sure aren't elegant, but they're real. And, that's what I want...a real relationship with God.

So here's what I'm thinking tonight: Maybe having my faith shattered was necessary for spiritual renewal. Maybe through all the questioning and anger I'm going to get to know God in a way I never have. I'm more open to soul searching and at a place that I want to take a spiritual journey. Maybe I should be thankful for the difficult times because my faith and spirit are the things that are of absolute importance in this world.