After months of spiritual reflection, I was officially "welcomed" during the Rite of Welcome, the next phase of RCIA, yesterday. I had my college advisor/professor, Tom Schick, by my side as the church learned more about me and I received a blessing from the priest.
What I loved about this ceremony was the very purposeful opportunity to stand before a church and inform them that I'm on a spiritual journey and to ask for their prayers and support.
I've spent a little time reflecting on where I am today versus where I was a year ago. And in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I'm so thankful for God's steadfast love and patience. He allowed me to rebel against Him and try to do life on my own, yet welcomed me back into His arms and love when I was ready.
So, while yesterday was a welcome from the Church, it is also symbolic for me that God has welcomed me back as well. It's amazing how fluid things go when God is in them.
Right now, I'm in the right place. I just need to work on the prayer life. That is one block that hasn't been lifted for me. But this journey isn't over. Nor will it be until the day I die.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Monday, October 31, 2011
Cycles
Life...death...rebirth...
I've been fascinated with cycles without realizing it. Is there really a such thing as an end?
The leaves die and fall to the ground. The same tree blooms over and over again in the spring.
People die. But their spirits live on. So, you have to relate to them in a different way.
I've been fascinated with cycles without realizing it. Is there really a such thing as an end?
The leaves die and fall to the ground. The same tree blooms over and over again in the spring.
People die. But their spirits live on. So, you have to relate to them in a different way.
My brother's death gave my faith new birth.
The shock of his death caused me to question aspects of my faith that I've never questioned before. I pondered over the concept of God, Holy Spirit and Jesus. I wondered a time or two if I just foolishly believed some story that people use to explan the unexplainable. I couldn't talk to God because I didn't think he was listening anyway. Happy people made me angry. I just wanted to wallow in sadness.
Then depression happened. I became irritable. And anyone that had a problem seemed ridiculous to me because I thought I had all the problems. All I wanted to do was sleep and avoid people. I didn't want to talk with my husband. I just wanted to be sad and I was.
During the first few months following my brothers death I felt guilty for even having a good time because he couldn't.
And then I had a moment...
Last winter I had a moment in my car. I was in a parking lot outside of my gym and I felt a compuslive need to pray. Maybe it was the cross on top of the hospital building across the street, maybe I was tired, maybe it was he Holy Spirit. But as I spoke to God, I told him that I didn't want to be distant anymore. I wanted Him to use me for His work. I cried...hard...and smiled. I felt God. I hadn't felt that feeling in awhile. But, it's distinct feeling. The best way to describe it is a complete peace...when you have no idea where the peace is going to come from. You just realize that being in the arms of God feels this way.
A GIANT leap of faith...
I decided to continue my faith journey. And, I wanted to learn more about the Catholic faith that I feel very connected to. It's within Catholicism that I've grown closer to God and have spent some time healing (which I still am). I've been questioned alot recently about why I'm drawn to the Catholic Church. I can understand these questions as the Church is a BIG target in the world. With such imperfections to stain the image, I can see why one would wonder why someone would willingly connect themselves with it. But the reality is, every organized church structure is imperfect. So, if someone is referring to Church hierarchy and scandals, I get it. But the "church" is not those things. It is the living-breathing embodiment of it's members--which means sin and imperfections, but also amazing forgiveness and kindness too. I'm excited to report that I plan on being introduced to the church the first Sunday of Advent!
An ending and a beginning
It is fitting that my last day as a professional Girl Scout will be today, on Halloween. It's the "end" of a big part of my career. The "death" of one career will give birth to a new one. I begin my new role on November 1st, All Saints Day at The Society of St. Vincent de Paul. I will be in charge of their volunteer engagement program as their Volunteer Cooridnator. So, a new cycle begins for me. New people, new commute, new job, new things to learn.
I needed a positive change that was just for me. I've been living in a cloud of sadness over what I lost that I had no control over. I'm turning the page...it's wonderfully blank and ready to be filled out. A brand new chapter. One that is sure to contain more struggles and difficulties but also new blessings!
It is fitting that my last day as a professional Girl Scout will be today, on Halloween. It's the "end" of a big part of my career. The "death" of one career will give birth to a new one. I begin my new role on November 1st, All Saints Day at The Society of St. Vincent de Paul. I will be in charge of their volunteer engagement program as their Volunteer Cooridnator. So, a new cycle begins for me. New people, new commute, new job, new things to learn.
I needed a positive change that was just for me. I've been living in a cloud of sadness over what I lost that I had no control over. I'm turning the page...it's wonderfully blank and ready to be filled out. A brand new chapter. One that is sure to contain more struggles and difficulties but also new blessings!
Monday, September 19, 2011
small incremental changes
The American way seems to have a mantra of "go large or go home." Maybe it's not exactly broadcast like that verbatim but it's out there....
...Extra value meals
...a liter of soda from White Castle when you order a large (really, it even has a handle because it's so large)
...bigger homes (i.e. Homerama)
...bigger trucks (just take a drive in Brown County, OH if you don't know what I mean)
...major overhauls in our diets, home renovations, vacations, etc.
I think we've become addicted to an unhealthy "largeness" in our life. And, the monster in all of this is that it's never enough. We need more.
The concept of having it all in a large way makes it nearly impossible for us to make the necessary small incremental changes in our life that are healthy.
Have you ever tried to diet and decided that you were going to lose 50 pounds? You've decided that you're going to wake up in the morning, completely change your diet, go to the gym at least three times that week, etc. Did you ever lose and keep off those 50 pounds? Most likely not. Because you made BIG instant changes. Changes that you can't live with.
Today, I learned that what's healthy is the small incremental changes in our life. Something that might seem so insignificant at the moment but you have control over may be the beginning of a new you.
I obviously have alot about me that I want to work on. But, I can only focus on the small little things, one at time.
Otherwise, I'm going to get overloaded and give up again.
So, here's what I'm thinking tonight:
In the words of Blessed Mother Teresa,
"Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love."
...Extra value meals
...a liter of soda from White Castle when you order a large (really, it even has a handle because it's so large)
...bigger homes (i.e. Homerama)
...bigger trucks (just take a drive in Brown County, OH if you don't know what I mean)
...major overhauls in our diets, home renovations, vacations, etc.
I think we've become addicted to an unhealthy "largeness" in our life. And, the monster in all of this is that it's never enough. We need more.
The concept of having it all in a large way makes it nearly impossible for us to make the necessary small incremental changes in our life that are healthy.
Have you ever tried to diet and decided that you were going to lose 50 pounds? You've decided that you're going to wake up in the morning, completely change your diet, go to the gym at least three times that week, etc. Did you ever lose and keep off those 50 pounds? Most likely not. Because you made BIG instant changes. Changes that you can't live with.
Today, I learned that what's healthy is the small incremental changes in our life. Something that might seem so insignificant at the moment but you have control over may be the beginning of a new you.
I obviously have alot about me that I want to work on. But, I can only focus on the small little things, one at time.
Otherwise, I'm going to get overloaded and give up again.
So, here's what I'm thinking tonight:
In the words of Blessed Mother Teresa,
"Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love."
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Thoughts from a police spouse
Thoughts from a woman married to a police officer:
- There's really never a such thing as an end-of-day at your husband's office (AKA, the community at large).
- We don't "Thank God It's Friday" because that just means more work for our husband and possibly a long night.
- We find ourselves looking up at the sky during a full moon and feel a tinge of worry for our spouse because we know it's going to be a crazy night.
- Weekend? What Weekend?
- We've learned to be strong and independent because the reality is, we'll have to be the one to fix the vacuum, dishwasher, and attend family gatherings alone.
- We've learned to put the constant worry in a place that allows us to function in our daily lives...but it's always there.
- We feel very real pain and heartache for any police family that has had a loss because we know it could be us.
- We believe in guardian angels and pray for protection of our husband.
- Even though it would be nice if our husbands had a regular 9-5 schedule, we're so proud of the work they do in the community even if it ruins family life sometime.
- We're not in love with our husbands because they wear a uniform...the reality is the life is less glamorous than seen on television. And yes, we're aware that there are women who LOVE to flirt with cops and we laugh at you.
- Living off a cops salary is never going to make our family rich. Most police families I know have to have double incomes in order to own a decent home and take a family vacation each year.
- Even though I pretend I'm bored at the many, many stories I do listen and proudly re-tell them to my friends because I'm so very proud of you!
May God protect our policemen and women and bring strength and peace to their spouses!
Friday, September 2, 2011
Hold on? Let go?
Have you ever bought a CD and liked a particular song but one doesn't especially hit home until years later?
Well, if not, I have. This past week I found an old CD from a Christian band that I purchased when I took the youth group to Panama City Beach, FL in 2004. The band is Addison Road. They were the praise band for the week. Ironicially, this was the week that I felt the very strong and real presence of God stirring in me about working in the ministry. As desire that I've minimized over the years due to my own personal pain, disappointment and suffering.
As I listened to the songs, I started to recall the lyrics and sing along. And then, a song I've listened to several dozen times came on but took on a whole new meaning due to life events since listening to the CD...particularly the loss of my brother.
The song is called "Hold On Let Go." It's about the internal struggle of mentally choosing to hold on to the person you've lost or let them go. I stopped singing when I realized what I was singing.
I was told this past week by a mental health professional that it takes three years to really move into the "healing" phase of grief. This first year is a blur. You have to go through the painful reality of the first birthday without the loved one, the first Thanskgiving, Christmas, New Year, Easter, 4th of July, etc. Each of the events brings the very raw emotions that just last year that person was sitting with you in the dining room sharing in your life and stories.
That first year everything related to Charlie. All of sudden McAlister's in Blue Ash became a sacred spot just because I had lunch with Charlie there where we talked about alot of serious stuff. Everytime I had something chocolate (which is alot if you know me) I would think of Charlie because he also loved chocolate.
I didn't want to do any of the things he loved with other people because I felt it was wrong to do them because he wasn't here to enjoy them.
Next month will mark the completion of year two. The second year after the loss of loved one becomes the year where you are still grieving but with less intensity as the first year. You've survived that first awful year void of the loved one, but it's still so new. After all, I knew Charlie more than one year so it's not like I'm going to just "get over it" in a year. For me, this second year has been a mix of sadness and frustration. I found myself trying to force getting over the loss by saying things like, "It's not like he was a saint or anything" or telling myself that there's no way he would make this kind of fuss over me. These kinds of thoughts are natural because I'm trying to deal with it and even though there are 5 million books about grief, the reality is you just have to go through it because there's no easy way out.
I've also further reflected about the way Charlie died and made peace with the fact that 1) I'll never be able to discover "why" it happened, 2) God didn't need him more...that's silly, 3) Paradoxically, death is part of life. It's gonna happen to all of us so it's not like unfairness hit just our family and 4) Bad things to happen to good people, but not because God doesn't care or love us.
So as I approach the beginning of year three, I'm now facing the decision of how do I deal with this for the rest of my life. Right now, here's what I'm thinking:
Well, if not, I have. This past week I found an old CD from a Christian band that I purchased when I took the youth group to Panama City Beach, FL in 2004. The band is Addison Road. They were the praise band for the week. Ironicially, this was the week that I felt the very strong and real presence of God stirring in me about working in the ministry. As desire that I've minimized over the years due to my own personal pain, disappointment and suffering.
As I listened to the songs, I started to recall the lyrics and sing along. And then, a song I've listened to several dozen times came on but took on a whole new meaning due to life events since listening to the CD...particularly the loss of my brother.
The song is called "Hold On Let Go." It's about the internal struggle of mentally choosing to hold on to the person you've lost or let them go. I stopped singing when I realized what I was singing.
I was told this past week by a mental health professional that it takes three years to really move into the "healing" phase of grief. This first year is a blur. You have to go through the painful reality of the first birthday without the loved one, the first Thanskgiving, Christmas, New Year, Easter, 4th of July, etc. Each of the events brings the very raw emotions that just last year that person was sitting with you in the dining room sharing in your life and stories.
That first year everything related to Charlie. All of sudden McAlister's in Blue Ash became a sacred spot just because I had lunch with Charlie there where we talked about alot of serious stuff. Everytime I had something chocolate (which is alot if you know me) I would think of Charlie because he also loved chocolate.
I didn't want to do any of the things he loved with other people because I felt it was wrong to do them because he wasn't here to enjoy them.
Next month will mark the completion of year two. The second year after the loss of loved one becomes the year where you are still grieving but with less intensity as the first year. You've survived that first awful year void of the loved one, but it's still so new. After all, I knew Charlie more than one year so it's not like I'm going to just "get over it" in a year. For me, this second year has been a mix of sadness and frustration. I found myself trying to force getting over the loss by saying things like, "It's not like he was a saint or anything" or telling myself that there's no way he would make this kind of fuss over me. These kinds of thoughts are natural because I'm trying to deal with it and even though there are 5 million books about grief, the reality is you just have to go through it because there's no easy way out.
I've also further reflected about the way Charlie died and made peace with the fact that 1) I'll never be able to discover "why" it happened, 2) God didn't need him more...that's silly, 3) Paradoxically, death is part of life. It's gonna happen to all of us so it's not like unfairness hit just our family and 4) Bad things to happen to good people, but not because God doesn't care or love us.
So as I approach the beginning of year three, I'm now facing the decision of how do I deal with this for the rest of my life. Right now, here's what I'm thinking:
- I'm always going to get choked up from time to time...and when I do I'm going to be thankful because it's a sign of love's mark on my soul for Charlie. If I didn't cry, what would that say about my relationship with him?
- I'm going to try to focus on his residence in Heaven and how incredibly awesome that is and how he's right where we should all be striving to be. I hope he can hear my prayers and continue to encourage me and pray for me while I'm trying to survive the remaining years I have on this earth.
- I want to do something to honor him and the personal ministry he gave to me. What we shared wasn't a traditional brother/sister relationship, but rather a GREAT excitement and love for serving God in a very real and practical way without the pretentiousness of "religion." What this means is showing Christ's love to people in ways that removes the toxicity of modern "religion."
- I want to hold on to the memories, his laugh, our conversations, his words, the smell of his cologne, his gentle sweet voice when he said, "Love ya sis" and his dreams that he shared with me. I'm not letting go of any of that, but rather releasing (or letting go) of some of the sadness and alot of the anger.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Still Inquiring
I'm still in Inquiry with RCIA. I suspect I may be in it for sometime. But I can't stop thinking about my faith, my history, my experiences and beliefs (old, new and yet to be discovered). I never believed that this would be such an enlightening experience.
I'm trying to find the balance of the people I can talk to. I'm excited and scared and doubtful. My daily reflections and thoughts ebb and flow with a certainty that I'm on the right track with a fear that I'm on the wrong one.
I've been cautioned, warned, encouraged, welcomed, ignored and mocked by a variety of friends. I guess the good news in all of this is that everyone is on a different page. I can only find a true journey on my own and no one can find that for me.
The reality is that I hunger for Mass all week. I've never felt this before. Now that I've become a little more accustomed to the rituals and have gained a deeper understanding of the "why" I'm finding that I'm able to participate a little more than when I first begun.
I still feel extremely self-conscious. I feel like I'm wearing a big "NON-CATHOLIC" sign and everyone is watching. I know this is just my self-consciousness and in reality people aren't watching me. I still don't know the words to the Apostles or Nicene Creed but I believe. I'm just starting to do the sign of the cross but feel like an imposter.
These are all very weird and human thoughts. God doesn't think I'm an imposter and the Catholics I've spoken with have been so warm and welcoming me when I tell them I'm in RCIA. Even those I don't know well at all almost make me feel like I'm coming home.
I have discovered so far that I'm so very thankful to my mom for ensuring that faith was an integral part of my life. Without out the teachings of the Bible in my Baptist faith I wouldn't feel as confident as I do about my decision.
There are major differences in the two faiths. Communion, praying to saints, veneration of Mary, etc. I'm asking to be led by the Holy Spirit for peace. Not only I have I been receiving peace, I've been receiving excitement and enthusiasm.
I've given myself the license to not rush or pressure myself and I'm trying really hard to be self-reflective. This is my spiritual journey.
I would like to end with one of my favorite things about Mass. I LOVE that the Gospel is celebrated! I've always believed that the Word of God was divinely inspired. But I love even more the Catholic Church proclaims the reading of the Gospel with such respect and adoration. This is one of the songs we sing at Mass in proclamation of the Gospel. I love it.
I'm trying to find the balance of the people I can talk to. I'm excited and scared and doubtful. My daily reflections and thoughts ebb and flow with a certainty that I'm on the right track with a fear that I'm on the wrong one.
I've been cautioned, warned, encouraged, welcomed, ignored and mocked by a variety of friends. I guess the good news in all of this is that everyone is on a different page. I can only find a true journey on my own and no one can find that for me.
The reality is that I hunger for Mass all week. I've never felt this before. Now that I've become a little more accustomed to the rituals and have gained a deeper understanding of the "why" I'm finding that I'm able to participate a little more than when I first begun.
I still feel extremely self-conscious. I feel like I'm wearing a big "NON-CATHOLIC" sign and everyone is watching. I know this is just my self-consciousness and in reality people aren't watching me. I still don't know the words to the Apostles or Nicene Creed but I believe. I'm just starting to do the sign of the cross but feel like an imposter.
These are all very weird and human thoughts. God doesn't think I'm an imposter and the Catholics I've spoken with have been so warm and welcoming me when I tell them I'm in RCIA. Even those I don't know well at all almost make me feel like I'm coming home.
I have discovered so far that I'm so very thankful to my mom for ensuring that faith was an integral part of my life. Without out the teachings of the Bible in my Baptist faith I wouldn't feel as confident as I do about my decision.
There are major differences in the two faiths. Communion, praying to saints, veneration of Mary, etc. I'm asking to be led by the Holy Spirit for peace. Not only I have I been receiving peace, I've been receiving excitement and enthusiasm.
I've given myself the license to not rush or pressure myself and I'm trying really hard to be self-reflective. This is my spiritual journey.
I would like to end with one of my favorite things about Mass. I LOVE that the Gospel is celebrated! I've always believed that the Word of God was divinely inspired. But I love even more the Catholic Church proclaims the reading of the Gospel with such respect and adoration. This is one of the songs we sing at Mass in proclamation of the Gospel. I love it.
Monday, July 18, 2011
The Faith Journey
I've been very silent on the blog since the silent retreat. The time since my last post has been spent in deep reflection, spiritual reading, thinking, etc. I'm trying to find what I'm looking for (yes...that's a U2 reference).
Much to the shock of most who truly know me, I've been worshipping at a Catholic church since Lent. I've been faithfully accompanied by my son and husband, both of which have seemed to enjoy the tradition and rituals as much as I have.
I have been drawn to the Catholic faith for quite some time. But, there is no way I would have ever had the courage to go there. However, I've decided that I should find out what this is all about and not take it from someone who has never been Catholic that thinks they know everything about the faith.
During this time, I've been very tuned-in to what is going on with the Church locally and globally. I've learned a great deal about the Cathechism of the Church and have been challenged by well-meaning friends who might think I have all the answers to almost impossible questions like, "Do Catholics really think the saints can hear them?"
I've met with some wonderful, faithful and God-filled people who have attempted to answer my questions. And, I'm in RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults) to further inquire about the Catholic faith. This is what I want to talk about.
I've been raised as Baptist my whole life. I'm not saying this as if it is a bad thing. There are so many things I am so thankful for in my upbringing. I have lifelong connections with so many people, amazing childhood memories of vacation Bible school, Voyagers, church camp, youth group, etc. I remember the first time I questioned about getting baptized when I saw a kid a few years older than me get baptized. That's when I had the talk with the preacher to understand that I was a sinner and asked for God's forgiveness for my sins. I followed through in baptism and began my Christian walk.
I have a great understanding on the stories in the Bible and a solid foundation for a moral, spiritual code. As I grew older and had experienced some of the nasty side of church, which so happened to be Baptists because that's where I was raised, I decided to look for other options.
I tried the non-denominational route. I LOVED it! Contemporary music, free coffee, jeans (no suits, heels or pantyhose!), relevant messages, etc. This felt cool. These people get it!!! I thought this was the closest route to how Jesus wants us to worship. None of these silly rules. Church so big that people aren't watching me, etc. But then I became disenchanted with this too. Basically, I felt this was another group of "we're the cool kids, don't you want to be like us?" Well, no. I'm not sure you have it right either.
So, I just stopped going to church. Every once in awhile I'd visit a local Methodist church. I really like this church a lot. I love the pastor, a great kids program. But just wasn't feeling it. I don't know why...but I tried really hard.
Then one day I decided to visit a Catholic church. I took CJ with me. I felt totally out of place yet comforted at the same time. The message was good and I felt like God was speaking to me. This is the church I've been attending since Lent. But I still have doubts and I need to honor those doubts and find out what it is that I'm looking for. And, is trusting these "feelings" ever going to get me anywhere? Maybe I'm just fickle.
So, I want to chronicle my experiences in RCIA as a way to sort through these thoughts and revelations. I believe choosing where to serve God is the most important earthly decision I can make. People put so much time into choosing the "right" neighborhood to live in, what kind of car to drive, where to send your kids to school, careers, etc. Shouldn't the place you worship God be given even more attention?
So, next topic: When I asked about RCIA.
Much to the shock of most who truly know me, I've been worshipping at a Catholic church since Lent. I've been faithfully accompanied by my son and husband, both of which have seemed to enjoy the tradition and rituals as much as I have.
I have been drawn to the Catholic faith for quite some time. But, there is no way I would have ever had the courage to go there. However, I've decided that I should find out what this is all about and not take it from someone who has never been Catholic that thinks they know everything about the faith.
During this time, I've been very tuned-in to what is going on with the Church locally and globally. I've learned a great deal about the Cathechism of the Church and have been challenged by well-meaning friends who might think I have all the answers to almost impossible questions like, "Do Catholics really think the saints can hear them?"
I've met with some wonderful, faithful and God-filled people who have attempted to answer my questions. And, I'm in RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults) to further inquire about the Catholic faith. This is what I want to talk about.
I've been raised as Baptist my whole life. I'm not saying this as if it is a bad thing. There are so many things I am so thankful for in my upbringing. I have lifelong connections with so many people, amazing childhood memories of vacation Bible school, Voyagers, church camp, youth group, etc. I remember the first time I questioned about getting baptized when I saw a kid a few years older than me get baptized. That's when I had the talk with the preacher to understand that I was a sinner and asked for God's forgiveness for my sins. I followed through in baptism and began my Christian walk.
I have a great understanding on the stories in the Bible and a solid foundation for a moral, spiritual code. As I grew older and had experienced some of the nasty side of church, which so happened to be Baptists because that's where I was raised, I decided to look for other options.
I tried the non-denominational route. I LOVED it! Contemporary music, free coffee, jeans (no suits, heels or pantyhose!), relevant messages, etc. This felt cool. These people get it!!! I thought this was the closest route to how Jesus wants us to worship. None of these silly rules. Church so big that people aren't watching me, etc. But then I became disenchanted with this too. Basically, I felt this was another group of "we're the cool kids, don't you want to be like us?" Well, no. I'm not sure you have it right either.
So, I just stopped going to church. Every once in awhile I'd visit a local Methodist church. I really like this church a lot. I love the pastor, a great kids program. But just wasn't feeling it. I don't know why...but I tried really hard.
Then one day I decided to visit a Catholic church. I took CJ with me. I felt totally out of place yet comforted at the same time. The message was good and I felt like God was speaking to me. This is the church I've been attending since Lent. But I still have doubts and I need to honor those doubts and find out what it is that I'm looking for. And, is trusting these "feelings" ever going to get me anywhere? Maybe I'm just fickle.
So, I want to chronicle my experiences in RCIA as a way to sort through these thoughts and revelations. I believe choosing where to serve God is the most important earthly decision I can make. People put so much time into choosing the "right" neighborhood to live in, what kind of car to drive, where to send your kids to school, careers, etc. Shouldn't the place you worship God be given even more attention?
So, next topic: When I asked about RCIA.
Monday, April 4, 2011
A Silent Retreat for ME???
This Lenten period has been most renewing. I just feel like I'm on the verge of something wonderful, new, exciting and spiritual.
My spiritual journey has been rough. But I've spent some time reflecting on it and have come to be thankful for hitting rock bottom and where I am now. This time has tested my faith. It has forced me to re-evaluate and question everything I've ever known. Most people are scared of times like these. I am. But, how can I grow if I'm never tested?
I've spent the last four weeks attending church....and I've found a place that I'm connecting with. I've had some amazing spiritual conversations with several people that I never expected. I've spent the last year and half searching for a spiritual mentor but am realizing that there is beauty in opening yourself to others and listening.
I'm attending a retreat this weekend and prepare to laugh when I tell you it's a silent retreat. I'm not 100% sure what that means. I spoke with a man last week who told me he's been on at least 30 retreats but never a silent one. So, the Supreme Chatty Cathy of the Unviverse is going to embark on a new journey and test herself. I'm actually very excited about this and a bit scared. I'm looking forward to the unknown revelations that God will declare to me!
So, if you're reading this and would like to pray for me and my spiritual walk, please do. I'm not asking for anything but to be led by the Holy Spirit.
My spiritual journey has been rough. But I've spent some time reflecting on it and have come to be thankful for hitting rock bottom and where I am now. This time has tested my faith. It has forced me to re-evaluate and question everything I've ever known. Most people are scared of times like these. I am. But, how can I grow if I'm never tested?
I've spent the last four weeks attending church....and I've found a place that I'm connecting with. I've had some amazing spiritual conversations with several people that I never expected. I've spent the last year and half searching for a spiritual mentor but am realizing that there is beauty in opening yourself to others and listening.
I'm attending a retreat this weekend and prepare to laugh when I tell you it's a silent retreat. I'm not 100% sure what that means. I spoke with a man last week who told me he's been on at least 30 retreats but never a silent one. So, the Supreme Chatty Cathy of the Unviverse is going to embark on a new journey and test herself. I'm actually very excited about this and a bit scared. I'm looking forward to the unknown revelations that God will declare to me!
So, if you're reading this and would like to pray for me and my spiritual walk, please do. I'm not asking for anything but to be led by the Holy Spirit.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For...a prayer
It's not a secret if you know me that U2 is my most favorite band!!! Ever. Yes, I've heard all your "arguments"--Bono is pompous, full of himself, too political, greasy, etc.
I don't care. I love him and U2. The lyrics to the song "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" is my mantra. I'm on a very purposeful spiritual journey. I'm trying to find what I'm "looking" for as my spirit has been unsettled and restless. I'm searching for clarity and peace. So, tonight, my prayer to God is the lyrics below:
I have climbed the highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you
I have run, I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
I still haven't found what I'm looking for
I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing in her finger tips
It burned like a fire
This burning desire
I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of the devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
I believe in the Kingdom Come
Then all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
But I'm still running
You broke the bonds
And loosed the chains
Carried the cross of my shame
Oh my shame
You know I believe it
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Unconventional Prayers
Lent is here. Since Wednesday of this week I've been in constant thought about my soul. This intangible, invisible "thing" that resides within me.
What is it? Is it a reflection of all who I really am? Is it a total of all the love, anger, hatred, humor I have? Is it separate from my intellect? Whatever it is, I do believe it is eternal and that it continues after my phycial body is gone.
It's not a secret to any of you who know me that I have been protesting prayer. This is one of the spiritual things that I decided was a hoax. I've been working through this. It's painful to listen to the cliches..."prayer changes things," "the power of prayer," "I'll pray you'll feel better," yadda yadda yadda.
If you've said these things to me, please don't take offense. I believe wholeheartedly you believe these things. I'm just not sure I do. I'm working on it.
So, instead of "giving up" some pretend sacrifice for Lent, I am choosing this time to dig into what prayer is. So each day on my way into work, I've been talking to God. Wednesday went something like this:
Okay, God. So, you know I have a hard time doing this because...(pause, I think silently, "because I don't believe it works)...well, you know why. Honestly, I don't even have the words right now. So, you know what's going on in my heart and mind, so can you just read them? I'm not going to use you as a genie in the bottle because I just don't believe that's how it works. So...(again I pause because I feel awkward). Okay, that's it. It's nice chatting with you. In Christ's name, Amen.
Today went something like this:
Dear Lord. I want to thank you for...well, let's just say I am thankful for things though I'm not sure it's because you have blessed me that I have them. I mean, you could have blessed me but maybe I should just be thankful for the good things in my life and thank you for that. Alright, maybe I should start confessing my sins and asking for forgiveness. Please forgive me for being so angry. I am so angry all the time that I don't know what is wrong with my soul. I'm angry, jealous, short-tempered, I say mean things. I feel like I'm going to explode so can you just send the Holy Spirit with me today and help me be slow to anger and kind? Let's start there. In the name of Father, Son and Holy Ghost, Amen.
So, as you can see, I have a journey ahead of me. I'm sure if God is listening he's shaking his head at my unconventional prayers. They sure aren't elegant, but they're real. And, that's what I want...a real relationship with God.
So here's what I'm thinking tonight: Maybe having my faith shattered was necessary for spiritual renewal. Maybe through all the questioning and anger I'm going to get to know God in a way I never have. I'm more open to soul searching and at a place that I want to take a spiritual journey. Maybe I should be thankful for the difficult times because my faith and spirit are the things that are of absolute importance in this world.
What is it? Is it a reflection of all who I really am? Is it a total of all the love, anger, hatred, humor I have? Is it separate from my intellect? Whatever it is, I do believe it is eternal and that it continues after my phycial body is gone.
It's not a secret to any of you who know me that I have been protesting prayer. This is one of the spiritual things that I decided was a hoax. I've been working through this. It's painful to listen to the cliches..."prayer changes things," "the power of prayer," "I'll pray you'll feel better," yadda yadda yadda.
If you've said these things to me, please don't take offense. I believe wholeheartedly you believe these things. I'm just not sure I do. I'm working on it.
So, instead of "giving up" some pretend sacrifice for Lent, I am choosing this time to dig into what prayer is. So each day on my way into work, I've been talking to God. Wednesday went something like this:
Okay, God. So, you know I have a hard time doing this because...(pause, I think silently, "because I don't believe it works)...well, you know why. Honestly, I don't even have the words right now. So, you know what's going on in my heart and mind, so can you just read them? I'm not going to use you as a genie in the bottle because I just don't believe that's how it works. So...(again I pause because I feel awkward). Okay, that's it. It's nice chatting with you. In Christ's name, Amen.
Today went something like this:
Dear Lord. I want to thank you for...well, let's just say I am thankful for things though I'm not sure it's because you have blessed me that I have them. I mean, you could have blessed me but maybe I should just be thankful for the good things in my life and thank you for that. Alright, maybe I should start confessing my sins and asking for forgiveness. Please forgive me for being so angry. I am so angry all the time that I don't know what is wrong with my soul. I'm angry, jealous, short-tempered, I say mean things. I feel like I'm going to explode so can you just send the Holy Spirit with me today and help me be slow to anger and kind? Let's start there. In the name of Father, Son and Holy Ghost, Amen.
So, as you can see, I have a journey ahead of me. I'm sure if God is listening he's shaking his head at my unconventional prayers. They sure aren't elegant, but they're real. And, that's what I want...a real relationship with God.
So here's what I'm thinking tonight: Maybe having my faith shattered was necessary for spiritual renewal. Maybe through all the questioning and anger I'm going to get to know God in a way I never have. I'm more open to soul searching and at a place that I want to take a spiritual journey. Maybe I should be thankful for the difficult times because my faith and spirit are the things that are of absolute importance in this world.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
I Miss Charlie
I miss my brother Charlie everyday. I guess it's safe to say there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him in some capacity. Wish I could say this was the case when he was alive.
Charlie and I didn't have a traditional brother/sister relationship. We grew up in two completely different households. There were trade-offs in both of our upbringings. But the truly unfortuntate thing was that we never really bonded until we both knew we were going to be parents.
My early childhood memories of Charlie are few. We got Christmas pictures taken together once. And there are a few memories of spending time together, but nothing that was stellar.
I guess you could say I really got to know Charlie as an adult. We bonded more as friends than siblings. Though I always recall him telling me that he loved me when we saw each other. And he always made sure he hugged me goodbye. And, he ALWAYS smelled good.
As adults, we had long talks about our separate lives and current ones. Though he shared very little about him and did more of the listening and asking questions of me. He was a great listener and easy to talk to.
I miss him. Sometimes I feel like I don't have a right to because our relationship was so short-lived. But, the reality is that my half-brother was still a part of me. And, he's gone.
But when I look at my niece and nephew, I remember that it was because of them that I even had a relationship at all with my brother. I believe that both Charlie and I knew that the fate of the Matthews' family would be determined by our children. And, I do hope with ALL my might, that heaven does allow people to glimpse on the good things.
CJ's best friend is Justin. They are only 2 months and 1 day apart. They've always been together and I'm hoping that even though Charlie and I didn't have the opportunity to "grow up" together, Justin, CJ and Abby will more than make up for it.
Recently, CJ wrote a letter in school to Justin and Abby and I would like to share it. I will write it exactly how he did (spelling errors and all):
Dear Justen and Abby,
I feel blessed. I like Playing with you because it's fun. It's fun to laugh wiht you. And spin the night with you. Hope your doing good at school.
I hope I can spin the night with you some day. I hope your happy and not sad.
It's importin that your alive. It's importin because I need you.
Love,
CJ
Charlie and I didn't have a traditional brother/sister relationship. We grew up in two completely different households. There were trade-offs in both of our upbringings. But the truly unfortuntate thing was that we never really bonded until we both knew we were going to be parents.
My early childhood memories of Charlie are few. We got Christmas pictures taken together once. And there are a few memories of spending time together, but nothing that was stellar.
I guess you could say I really got to know Charlie as an adult. We bonded more as friends than siblings. Though I always recall him telling me that he loved me when we saw each other. And he always made sure he hugged me goodbye. And, he ALWAYS smelled good.
As adults, we had long talks about our separate lives and current ones. Though he shared very little about him and did more of the listening and asking questions of me. He was a great listener and easy to talk to.
I miss him. Sometimes I feel like I don't have a right to because our relationship was so short-lived. But, the reality is that my half-brother was still a part of me. And, he's gone.
But when I look at my niece and nephew, I remember that it was because of them that I even had a relationship at all with my brother. I believe that both Charlie and I knew that the fate of the Matthews' family would be determined by our children. And, I do hope with ALL my might, that heaven does allow people to glimpse on the good things.
CJ's best friend is Justin. They are only 2 months and 1 day apart. They've always been together and I'm hoping that even though Charlie and I didn't have the opportunity to "grow up" together, Justin, CJ and Abby will more than make up for it.
Recently, CJ wrote a letter in school to Justin and Abby and I would like to share it. I will write it exactly how he did (spelling errors and all):
Dear Justen and Abby,
I feel blessed. I like Playing with you because it's fun. It's fun to laugh wiht you. And spin the night with you. Hope your doing good at school.
I hope I can spin the night with you some day. I hope your happy and not sad.
It's importin that your alive. It's importin because I need you.
Love,
CJ
Thursday, January 20, 2011
What's all this talk about love?
Love.
It's what fairy tales are made of. Kisses, hugs, butterflies in the stomach, winks, playful pinches, giggles...all the by-products of so-called "love."
Where did love go wrong? These above mentioned by-products are nice if you experience them. But love extends beyond the mere superficial nature of affection.
I've been thinking a lot lately about Jesus Christ's ministry and who he was as a man. And if you read the scriptured recordings of his life, you can't help but notice how much he talks about love. And never did he mention about buying flowers or boxes of chocolates.
As a Christian, I do believe Jesus had two purposes: simply to show us how to live and to suffice as the ultimate sacrifice for human salvation. I want to discuss the first purpose.
Jesus really had a simple message: "Love one another, as I have loved you."
So, I've been thinking about this kind of love and what he has commanded of me. This love is about loving people despite their faults, race, religion, ethinicity, sins, wrongdoings against me. It requires forgiveness--much forgiveness.
This kind of love is what makes people open up their wallets to help their community, a friend or family member. This kind of love makes people fly across the globe and risk disease and danger to help those who have none. This kind of love encourages soldiers to sacrifice their lives for their country. This kind of love brings you back to someone who has wronged you.
Most importantly, this kind of love requires me to practice seeing people through the eyes of God and not through my judgemental human eyes. It means that I love ALL people...not just those that I deem worthy.
I believe 100% that if Jesus Christ lived in 2011, he would be dining with the people that we think are sinners. He would be angry at our church leaders for their selfishness and self-righteousness. He would be angry at the so-called "Christians" for the same. I'm sure he would beg a lot of people to quit calling themselves Christians altogether because more damage to his ministry is being done than good.
Becoming a Christian should be the single most mystical experience a human being has. It should transform your heart to love and not judge. NEVER ONCE DID JESUS TO ASK US TO JUDGE. Really people, look in your Bible if you don't believe me. I think God has this taken care of and doesn't need our help.
BUT JESUS DID ASK US TO LOVE.
So, despite the fact that I've been taught to judge the Catholics (because that's what the Baptists do), the homosexuals, the prostitutes and drug dealers, the lady that lives above the laundry mat, the person buying cigarettes at a gas station, the patrons of the local bars, the girls that wore blue jean skirts to church, the divorced woman, the couple that is living outside of wedlock, the people that go to nightclubs, the Democrats, The Beatles, Princess Diana, the pregnant teenager, the people who read another bible translation other than the King James Version, the...you get the picture!
So, despite all that, I LOVE THEM ALL. That's right. I love them. And, just like the very simple children's song, Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so. Little ones to him belong. They are weak but he is strong.
Yeah, Jesus is strong enough to love everyone. And, I believe he can make me strong enough to love everyone too.
So, the next time your angry at a Christian...don't be angry at Jesus. Just remember, every family has a black sheep or two...Christianity has them too! And, take that anger and love them.
It's what fairy tales are made of. Kisses, hugs, butterflies in the stomach, winks, playful pinches, giggles...all the by-products of so-called "love."
Where did love go wrong? These above mentioned by-products are nice if you experience them. But love extends beyond the mere superficial nature of affection.
I've been thinking a lot lately about Jesus Christ's ministry and who he was as a man. And if you read the scriptured recordings of his life, you can't help but notice how much he talks about love. And never did he mention about buying flowers or boxes of chocolates.
As a Christian, I do believe Jesus had two purposes: simply to show us how to live and to suffice as the ultimate sacrifice for human salvation. I want to discuss the first purpose.
Jesus really had a simple message: "Love one another, as I have loved you."
So, I've been thinking about this kind of love and what he has commanded of me. This love is about loving people despite their faults, race, religion, ethinicity, sins, wrongdoings against me. It requires forgiveness--much forgiveness.
This kind of love is what makes people open up their wallets to help their community, a friend or family member. This kind of love makes people fly across the globe and risk disease and danger to help those who have none. This kind of love encourages soldiers to sacrifice their lives for their country. This kind of love brings you back to someone who has wronged you.
Most importantly, this kind of love requires me to practice seeing people through the eyes of God and not through my judgemental human eyes. It means that I love ALL people...not just those that I deem worthy.
I believe 100% that if Jesus Christ lived in 2011, he would be dining with the people that we think are sinners. He would be angry at our church leaders for their selfishness and self-righteousness. He would be angry at the so-called "Christians" for the same. I'm sure he would beg a lot of people to quit calling themselves Christians altogether because more damage to his ministry is being done than good.
Becoming a Christian should be the single most mystical experience a human being has. It should transform your heart to love and not judge. NEVER ONCE DID JESUS TO ASK US TO JUDGE. Really people, look in your Bible if you don't believe me. I think God has this taken care of and doesn't need our help.
BUT JESUS DID ASK US TO LOVE.
So, despite the fact that I've been taught to judge the Catholics (because that's what the Baptists do), the homosexuals, the prostitutes and drug dealers, the lady that lives above the laundry mat, the person buying cigarettes at a gas station, the patrons of the local bars, the girls that wore blue jean skirts to church, the divorced woman, the couple that is living outside of wedlock, the people that go to nightclubs, the Democrats, The Beatles, Princess Diana, the pregnant teenager, the people who read another bible translation other than the King James Version, the...you get the picture!
So, despite all that, I LOVE THEM ALL. That's right. I love them. And, just like the very simple children's song, Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so. Little ones to him belong. They are weak but he is strong.
Yeah, Jesus is strong enough to love everyone. And, I believe he can make me strong enough to love everyone too.
So, the next time your angry at a Christian...don't be angry at Jesus. Just remember, every family has a black sheep or two...Christianity has them too! And, take that anger and love them.
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