Irrational Fears

I have irrational fears.

My very sure world has crumbled around me, yet I feel the pressure to not cave as well. But it's getting harder.

I've been thinking for some time where did these fears stem from and why do I have them. I need to feel secure, yet nothing around me is secure.

• The country I thought was safe from acts of war was attacked on Sept. 11, 2001. I was scared. What if Cincinnati was attacked? What if D.C. was attacked again while I vacationed there only a month later? What if a crazed perfume lady squirted me with contaminated perfume while passing the counter at the mall (remember those emails?).
• My first real job after college was laying people off for about two weeks straight after Sept. 11, 2001. Was I valuable enough to keep my job? Did I matter? Turns out that my job wasn't affected, but I saw too many people that were hardworking, dedicated people lose their jobs to the suffering travel industry.
• I had a baby. My life changed (for the best), but could I still add value after being gone for three months? Turns out, I didn't care. I left my job to care for my newborn.
• Money was tight. Turns out, I actually needed to work. So, I worked odds and ends jobs to help contribute to the family income.
• Then I worked a whole bunch of different jobs trying to find my calling. Thought I found it a time or two, but turns out, none of them were. Quit again thinking I needed to be home with my baby. Then, my husband was hit on purpose by a drunk driver. Life changed again and nothing was as I thought it would be.
• I found another job working part-time in my profession. Turns out, my boss was the spawn of Godzilla. So, again, my hopes were lost.
• Found another position and started with very little expectations. Turns out, I've been there for over four years...a record for me.
• The economy has tanked...my dad lost his job after 30 years. I lose more faith in my secure world.
• My older brother dies and I'll never make sense of it. Turns out, life is effed up and unfair. Hmmm.

On top of all the above, I've been stabbed in the back by "friends" and co-workers (once even finding a very horrible email written about me to a co-worker's parents...and she even had the nerve to throw me a baby shower), thrown under the bus, and often I just feel kicked around. I'm like the stupid dog that you leer at that licks your face just to make you smile.

So, as I'm trying to figure out why I have irrational fears, I think I need to deal with the other fears and hurts from the past. I have become so untrusting. And I think some of this may be instinct, but also self-defense. I'm in one of those fight-or-flight moments in my life and I have no idea why.

Irrational fears...are they so irrational?