On Being Neurotic and Anxious

I've had an interesting couple of days. In my opinion, I've been a little neurotic. What does that word mean anyway...I probably shouldn't have looked it up. Here you go:

Neuroticism: phychological disorder of thought or emotion; a more neutral term than mental illness (gee, that's nice).

Neurotic's relatives are axiety and hysteria...yeah, that sums up my last few days.

Curious yet?

Well, I'm going to Las Vegas this month and the Grand Canyon. I'm truly looking forward to it. But, my neurotic mind has turned to obsessing about death. Now, I can't pin it on anyone thing. I'm not afraid of flying in an airplane or getting killed by crystal meth tweakers...just dying and leaving my son without a mom.

This fear was in overload on Monday. So, I called my insurance agent to talk about my life insurance coverage...a lawyer about a will...family about plans...friends about my fears. I woke up this morning a little less "crazy" but as I left this morning to drive into work on snowy, slippery roads, I kissed my son a little more and hugged him in case I didn't make it back home. And when I did make it home, I silently thanked God and told my son that I will always love him and be with him no matter what.

Okay, if you're not a neurotic person...congratulations. But there isn't an award for it, so don't get all high and mighty. I don't expect you to understand this. But I do ask that you don't judge until you're faced with something like this. And, I'm over caring if people even do understand or care. I just cannot get out of my mind that I lost a brother this year...a young, vibrant, full-of-life, too young to die guy. So, if I freak out a little over the next year about dying, throw me a bone...or don't. I've got to get through this on my own. For those of you who have listened and offered support...well, I can't even put into words what that means to me.

So here's what I'm thinking tonight: We all have fears that make up neurotic and anxious. Some need meds (and more power to ya...I say good job for taking care of yourself), some need counseling (BRAVO), some need to drink (just don't make it a habit), some need to talk about. But whatever your fears are, talk about them. Put them on the table. Find supportive people who care. Get rid of those who mock or don't.

And, allow me this little liberty...just try to be a little nicer. Speak a little softer. Don't jump to conclusions with people. You never know what kind of day someone is having. Maybe that person just needs to hear your voice and have your friendship.

The reality of all of this is: I'm going to die. Matter-of-fact, I'm dying with each stroke of the keyboard. My skin will wrinkle, my bone mass will decrease, eventually my organs will fail. I don't know when and that's probably a good thing. But this is happening to you too. So, make the most of it baby.

I think I'll live it up in Vegas!