Like Me or Leave Me

It's not a shocker that I'm addicted to pleasing people. I actually think it may be an illness that has been rotting my soul. What may seem like a forgiving nature is actually self-serving. It has nothing to do with taking the high road or actually being gracious. It has everything to do with my peace of mind...the peace that comes with knowing that you like me.

Anyone who really knows me, knows that I am indeed an opinionated person. But I'm not always truthful about my opinions. And, I am cursed with wearing my emotions on my face. I really can't lie. If I tell you everythings fine, you know I'm lying because my body language throws me under the bus everytime.

I feel like I've always sacrificed what I've wanted for the sake of giving into others. I have an uncanny knack for making friends with people with stronger personalities (please don't read into this and think it's about you...this statement is a culmination of my life experiences, so chances are, you don't even know this person). I talk big, don't get me wrong. I'll be the first to say, "Well, I would say," or "I'll tell you what I'd do," but when faced with it I never do.

So, my defense mechanism is to retreat, cry, get angry, and passive aggressive. A lot of work just so I can make sure people like me. All of these negative attributes actually make things worse. Why can't I just speak up and stand up for myself? Why is that so hard? At the end of the day, I just want this person out of my life because I've bottled up a lot of negative emotion.

It's getting harder to mask my feelings. Or, am I on the edge of being able to just let people know what I feel? What am I afraid of?

Easy...people not liking me.

I'm amazed at how mean friends can be to one another. I've witnessed over the last few months friends throwing each other under-the-bus or gossiping about each other as soon as they have the chance. And fair is fair, I've done this too, so I'm not putting myself on a pedestal.

I don't want to be that person. I want to be honest about my frustrations and want to be able to hear your frustrations too. Friendship doesn't mean that we always have to be perky and fun all the time. It means we take the good with the bad and show some understanding.

My best friend is my husband. It's an understatement to say we've been through a lot. But, he loves me unconditionally. He has seen every horrible personality I have up my sleeve. He's seen every crazy emotion that I've unleashed. And, he still loves me. I know he does. And that unconditional loves encourages me and draws me closer to him. It makes me want to be a better person for him because he deserves my best.

So here's what I'm thinking, take me as I am or not at all. You can't be my friend only when things are good or if we have something mutually beneficial to offer each other. That's not the type of relationships I desire. Perhaps these friendships don't really exist or maybe my expectations are unrealistic. Maybe casual friendships are incapable of caring about each other unconditionally?

Maybe I should be blessed beyond measure that I have my husband.

On Being Neurotic and Anxious

I've had an interesting couple of days. In my opinion, I've been a little neurotic. What does that word mean anyway...I probably shouldn't have looked it up. Here you go:

Neuroticism: phychological disorder of thought or emotion; a more neutral term than mental illness (gee, that's nice).

Neurotic's relatives are axiety and hysteria...yeah, that sums up my last few days.

Curious yet?

Well, I'm going to Las Vegas this month and the Grand Canyon. I'm truly looking forward to it. But, my neurotic mind has turned to obsessing about death. Now, I can't pin it on anyone thing. I'm not afraid of flying in an airplane or getting killed by crystal meth tweakers...just dying and leaving my son without a mom.

This fear was in overload on Monday. So, I called my insurance agent to talk about my life insurance coverage...a lawyer about a will...family about plans...friends about my fears. I woke up this morning a little less "crazy" but as I left this morning to drive into work on snowy, slippery roads, I kissed my son a little more and hugged him in case I didn't make it back home. And when I did make it home, I silently thanked God and told my son that I will always love him and be with him no matter what.

Okay, if you're not a neurotic person...congratulations. But there isn't an award for it, so don't get all high and mighty. I don't expect you to understand this. But I do ask that you don't judge until you're faced with something like this. And, I'm over caring if people even do understand or care. I just cannot get out of my mind that I lost a brother this year...a young, vibrant, full-of-life, too young to die guy. So, if I freak out a little over the next year about dying, throw me a bone...or don't. I've got to get through this on my own. For those of you who have listened and offered support...well, I can't even put into words what that means to me.

So here's what I'm thinking tonight: We all have fears that make up neurotic and anxious. Some need meds (and more power to ya...I say good job for taking care of yourself), some need counseling (BRAVO), some need to drink (just don't make it a habit), some need to talk about. But whatever your fears are, talk about them. Put them on the table. Find supportive people who care. Get rid of those who mock or don't.

And, allow me this little liberty...just try to be a little nicer. Speak a little softer. Don't jump to conclusions with people. You never know what kind of day someone is having. Maybe that person just needs to hear your voice and have your friendship.

The reality of all of this is: I'm going to die. Matter-of-fact, I'm dying with each stroke of the keyboard. My skin will wrinkle, my bone mass will decrease, eventually my organs will fail. I don't know when and that's probably a good thing. But this is happening to you too. So, make the most of it baby.

I think I'll live it up in Vegas!

CJ's Take on Life's Dreams

Tonight CJ told me that people don't always get their dreams. I'm so glad he realizes this. It can save him from a little heartache. He told me this as we were watching American Idol and watched so many people say how this was "their dream."

He went on to say that his dream was to get an XBox and that came true.