Be honest, you never forget, unless you have Alzheimer's and that's terrible. I have a great, great Uncle that I adore who is living with Alzheimer's and it's so sad what he forgets, like how I'm even connected to him. You may forget where your keys are, to pay a bill, etc. But real life, you don't forget that. And you shouldn't. No matter how painful.
Reflection is healing. And the purpose of my blog is to bring healing to me, regardless who reads it. So, here are my reflections on 2009...
January
On January 11th, my so
n was baptized. Our religious tradition is Baptist. We believe that baptism is done once a person is aware that Jesus died for our sins because we're all sinners in need of forgiveness. My son actually prayed for salvation in November 2008 with my husband. He understood the symbolism of baptism and we were able to witness his decision by him being baptized by immersion. In CJ's words, "I already had Jesus in my heart," when he was baptized. February
I can't remember much about February. I guess that's a good thing.
March
My cousin Curtie, went off to Boot Camp for National Guard. We were all very proud and scared for him.
Me, Ken and CJ also took a road trip to DC. That was crazy!
April
My dad lost his job after nearly 30 years of employment with the company. I think I took this the hardest. I just felt so, so bad. It didn't seem fair. This is the company my dad worked for when he had to miss so much of my childhood in order to support our family. Even some of my closest friends didn't think I had a dad and was shocked when he showed up for Senior Night to escort me on the field. And just like like...he's laid off without recall. All my parents hopes and dreams for the future were halted like a MAC truck slamming on the brakes on a perfectly clean road. I immediately started brainstorming, how can I help, what can I do, what will they do. I continued to do this throughout the year even though I know they wouldn't want me too. But, to me, that's what family does. We take each others burden as our own. We're there for each other in good times and bad.
Ken also lost his grandpa in April. I think it's more than safe to say that in Ken's grandpa's eyes, Ken was Ghandi. He loved Ken so much and Ken loved him so much. This was really the hardest loss Ken had ever dealt with. So much of who he is can be attributed to his grandpa. I loved him too. I got the short end of the stick with grandparents. And, Ken's grandparents have always shown me unconditional love and acceptance.
May
My son turned six. He participated in a kids marathon. My parents celebrated their 32nd wedding anniversary. My brother and sister-in-law celebrated their 13th wedding anniversary. Lots of other birthdays and anniversaries. May tends to be a crazy celebratory month, like every day is a birthday or anniversary.
June
My son graduated Kindergarten. Just like that...right before my eyes, he completed his first year of school. I feel like he was so much more advanced than I was at that age. He was reading, doing well in math. Though, he was and still is, as social as I am which often got him in a bit of trouble.
Me, Ken and our friends Chris and Jessie spent a weekend in Nashville. I treasure those memories!
July-August-September
The summer months! CJ (my son) started football which dictated my life through November. He hated it. Begged to not go to practice. The little guys were blessed with a mild summer, but six hours of practice a week and games on the weekends proved to be exhausting. Toward the end, he really started to get into it. And, his team was undefeated in their division. We all made some great new friends who later were there for me during the worst time of my life.
Also, these months were spent with our friends at dinners at Cheeseburger in Paradise (bike nights, etc.) at a Kid Rock concert (ahhhh) and just hanging out and having a good time.
October
Normally, October 1st begins Halloween-mania. The whole month is about Halloween. We started out that way. I was at a work meeting the evening of Oct. 5th when I received a phone call that I first ignored. I think it was from my mom. I only had a few more minutes left of the meeting and I would call her as soon as I got in my car. But then a call came from my husband..and then a text. My oldest brother Charlie was admitted into ICU. I was very concerned, but had confidence that he was in good hands and knew my sister-in-law, Angie would take care of him. It wasn't until a few days later when we had a good scare that I realized that Charlie was really, really sick.
Charlie was diagnosed with ARDS, a very serious, very fatal lung condition. But I just knew he'd pull out of it. He was athletic, in great shape and totally stubborn. If anyone would pull through this, he would. The weeks following proved differently. It was just one crisis after another. The whole month changed my life. I suddenly became less involved with my agenda. I wanted to be there for Charlie, even if he had no idea I was there. I wanted to be there for Angie, because I love her so much, even if she didn't realize it (which I think she does). I wanted to be there for my mom and dad.
The Halloween celebrations seemed so silly and stupid. A holiday that my son and I share a total love for. And, at that time in my life, it was. Nothing and I mean nothing, was as important as the hope for Charlie to recover.
On Halloween, we woke up early for CJ's football game. The wind sounded so eerie. I said to CJ, "Listen to the spooky wind...it's Halloween!" trying to muster some festivity. We went to the game, I cried and laughed with the football parents who had been so emotional available to me over the month. As we celebrated our win, my in-laws asked if I had heard any news about Charlie. He had a very serious surgery two days before. I said I hadn't, but that no news is good news. And as soon as the words left my mouth, my phone rang. The caller ID showed TriHealth. My heart stopped momentarily. I knew before I answered. My precious sister-in-law said, "Hey Christina, I don't know where you are right now, but I wanted to let you know that Charlie is going to be taken off of everything and they said it would be a couple of hours." Now, I don't know if you've ever received a call like this. I have only one other time. Oddly enough, from Charlie about our grandmother. But I cared for Charlie much more. Your world stops. Picture this. Everything around you mutes. You look around and people are laughing, kidding around, kids playing, celebrations and your world starts crumbling. Everything you've hoped and prayed for is disappearing. This happens in about 1.5 seconds. I don't know how else to describe it.
My in-laws took CJ and Ken and I head to the hospital. We were too late. Charlie passed away nine minutes after the took him off life support. I received the phone call from my mom as we're were still on the highway. The walk from the parking lot into the hospital, down the long winding halls, into the waiting room, down the long hall through the double-doors into ICU was the most painful experience in my life. I couldn't breath. Literally. My chest felt like I was being crushed by a heavy stone. I have no idea how I even walked because I forgot how. I couldn't think of anything and that's odd for me. My mind was blank...empty. As I walked through the double doors into ICU a crying nurse met me and held my hand and we entered Charlie's room. His somber, so eerily quiet room. No more beeping, no more aspirating sounds from that damn ventilator. Peace.
I walked over and rubbed his swollen hand and arm. He was still warm, but gone. Gone. My oldest brother is gone at 37 years old. What the fuck? Yeah, I said it. I'm not going to even abbreviate it because you know what it means anyway.November
Trips to the funeral home, assisting with funeral plans, talking about caskets, vaults, grave sites. Uh, is this really happening? Isn't it weird that we all know we're going to die, but when it happens to a loved one we feel so violated and cheated. This whole month began my rebellion against God. Thoughts I've never had before entered my mind, like "how do I even know this whole heaven/hell thing is real," "What if I've been fooled/brainwashed," etc. I call these dangerous thoughts. However, God allowed me to throw my fits just like I do when my six year old thinks I'm so unfair. The rest of the month was all about anger, sadness, guilt, confusion. And to some extent, I'm still dealing with these emotions though they aren't as raw.
December
I celebrated my 11th wedding anniversary. How thankful I am for Ken. And how little I show him how much I appreciate him. I think about this much deeply now. It seems that all of our married life, we've scraped by. So, I wanted to do something special and treated him to a very nice dinner at the Precinct. He loved it! Mission accomplished!
My dad celebrated his 56th birthday. Now, if we could get him to quit smoking so I can have him around a little longer.
And, we celebrated the new year with close friends! They have been the silver lining in a horrible year. They've allowed me to cry and have cried with me, taken me out when I needed to get away, made me laugh and just been real. I characteristic I admire above all!
So, goodbye 2009! Hello 2010. After reflecting I'm not sure I want to know what the future holds. The lesson is to make the most of each day and live with no regrets. Because there's plenty of pain in store for all of us, but also plenty of good times too!
"Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 3:13-14
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