Surviving Your Fire

This is dedicated to my friend, Liz.

In 1988, a total of 793,880 acres of Yellowstone National Park were destroyed by fire. It was the worst fire in the parks history. 1/3 of the park was destroyed. Most people believed this disaster was the end of the nation's first national park.

In just a few years after the fire, the grasslands returned to their pre-fire beauty. The bears were actually observed grazing more in the burned areas than the unburned areas. And, extensive research revealed that there were actually benefits of forest fires to the ecosystem.

Today, charred lodge pole pines stand as reminder of the devastation the park endured. But they stand in the midst of fresh, live seedlings and bright young trees that has God put in place in the midst of the devastation.

So, here's what I'm thinking: Everyone has a "forest fire" or two (maybe more)  in their life that causes irreparable harm. And, in the midst of it, we believe it's the end of our happiness. How can we ever be happy again? How can you smile again or laugh again? This pain is too great.

But just as research shows the benefits of a fire to the ecosystem, our personal "fires' provide benefits too. We gain wisdom and knowledge that cannot be learned any other way. We gain a deeper understanding of life. We learn humilty and feel God's grace. Just as the forest is re-born, so are we. We rise changed, but stronger, more beautiful and wiser.

Just as the charred lodge pole pines serve as a reminder, so do our scars and our broken hearts, which may never heal. It serves as a reminder of a more difficult time, not to dwell on it, but in the midst of all the present goodness.

I pray we all can allow ourselves to rise above the ashes and show our new beauty as nature demonstrates for us at Yellowstone.

CJ's Tale of a Princess and Prince

CJ wanted to "write" a story in lieu of another list. I typed his story verbatim and take no credit, good or bad :-)


What story I am telling you is a true tale. Once upon a time, an enormous princess wanted to go crazy, but she couldn't because she was too drunk.

Then the prince wanted to go in the castle but  it stunk because poop was floating around the air.

But he turned around and went to the body shop because he needed to get his body cleaned because of the poop.

The End...

On the Past

If you could go back in time would you do some thing differently?

I think our immediate response is YES!

But think of you who you are right now. It is 100% because of who you have been in the past and all the experiences that shape you. I've been thinking a lot about the choices I've made, good and bad, and trying to measure up with where I thought I'd be right now. There's a mismatch. I thought by now I'd be practicing law for at least six years and would have been living/working  in Washington, D.C.

So, my life didn't play out that way. Instead, I'm less than 20 miles from where I grew up, working in a field that wasn't ever on my radar and raising a child (a wondeful, awesome child) that I thought I'd never have (kids were never part of the dream).

So what am I supposed to do with this life and is it too late to or foolish to look back and try to ressurrect some of those dreams? I think that the dreams we have when we're young give us hope and ambition, but these same dreams can haunt us when we're older and trade hope for disappointment, failure or the inability to see what we really have.

So, here's my life: I'm in my 30s, married for 11 years, have a beautiful, witty 6 year old son. I work for a non-profit that makes the difference in the lives of girls, but has also made a difference in mine. I have a great family. A home that I never thought I'd have. Two good cars. A pantry, refrigerator and freezer stocked with food. I have an education from my dream school. My credit cards are all paid. I have great friends who truly care about me. I believe in Jesus and the hope He brings.

So, why do I overlook all of these present blessings and cling back to the past? Why does anyone do this? It's out of discontentment. If we remain discontent with what we currently have, we'll never reach a moment of satisfaction. You'll tell yourself, "If only..."  But whatever that fill-in-the-blank wish is, you'll move onto something else to be unsatisfield or unfilled with.

So, here's what I'm thinking this morning: Don't forget your past, but also find what it is that brings you the most happiness now. And, if you're unhappy now and find yourself dwelling in the past, then fix something. If you are unhappy with the road you've chosen, then take a detour and get back on the path you were meant to be on. But whatever you do, don't be apathetic and do nothing. Sure, life is overwhelming, especially when you feel you've made the wrong decision. But wrong decisions only serve to mold you for another time in your life. They make you stronger and wiser!

Random Thoughts from a Six-Year Old

These were the thoughts of my six-year old tonight when I asked him to help me write this post. They are 100% his original ideas...and I want to go on record saying that no one in our house has ever abused oxyclean...I'm not sure I've even bought it!


1. If you're drunk don't drink any more oxyclean.

2. If that guy takes a remote from your hand punch him in the nuts.

3. Don't smoke oxyclean.

4. If you do smoke oxyclean, you will go insane.

5. Here's my house, but where's the cat? He's on the rooftop, but why? He want's a drink of ice. Why did I just say that?

6. Did you know oxyclean has something that smells like cat poop?

No Thoughts To Share

My busy head runs a million miles a minute throughout the day.

I don't feel like sharing any of the thoughts. They are my secret!

Warming Up

I'm starting to feel good about just being me.

When did this happen?

I think this might be interesting for those of you who aren't use to seeing me in this fashion or those of you who have taken me for granted and kicked/pushed/bossed me around.

"I don't care what you say anymore this is MY LIFE...go ahead with your own life, leave me alone!"
-Billy Joel.

On Waiting to Pursue My Dreams

I have nothing clever...witty...great...tonight.

Writing this blog is one of the best things I've done for myself. Except, I can't be 100% honest because I know someone reading will think, "Was that about me?" "Did I do that/say that?"

But, that fact keeps me in check.

I am having trouble sitting still. I feel something stirring inside of me and I'm grabbing at every idea that comes to mind. The other evening my sister-in-law shared a personal note my brother Charlie wrote in his Bible. And I've clung to his words...just sit and wait to hear God.

So, here I am sitting...waiting...typing this blog. Feeling like I can't say what I'm really thinking.

Waiting...doesn't life feel too short to wait? What if I wait too long and miss something.

I've never been afraid to try something and fail. I've done it plenty of times. I put myself through college (okay, that was not a failure at all and I'm still cultish about my XU), but then I thought I wanted to be a Realtor. So, I put myself through Real Estate school, passed my exam and wham...was a certified Realtor. Uh, that didn't work.

I've been a student, real estate agent, substitute teacher, youth pastor, retail worker, court appointed special advocate/guardian ad litem, I don't even remember my title at Fidelity Investments, travel writer, public relations coordinator, marketing assistant, membership recruiter for the Girl Scouts.

I've loved aspects of each of these jobs. I really can't say I hated or disliked any of them. But, they just didn't satisfy the thirst for....I've got nothing.

I don't know what the thirst is for. I dream of something so big and great that I have this fear I will go my whole life and will never find it. Why is that such a big deal? Why can't I be satisfied with what I have now...it isn't bad at all!

I have a great, healthy family. A good job that I like. I like what I do and the people I work with. I have a beautiful home and feel blessed beyond measure for it. When does your yearning for more become ungratefulness?

So here's what I'm thinking tonight: What is this feeling? This feeling that I have something so much bigger in store? Is it selfishness? Is it naivete?

All your dreams can come true if you have the courage to pursue then. --Walt Disney

I just need to find out what those dreams really are!

I Don't Even Know His Name

I debated for a bit to write this. The biggest reason is that random act I did was not meant to tell anyone about. It was something private that I wanted to do from my heart. But, my thoughts around it are something I do want to share with you.

Yesterday I was driving around for work. I was on a pretty tight schedule and my eyes kept glancing from the road, to the GPS to the clock. I had to get an oil change at 6 p.m. and was heading out about 50 miles one-way from my office.

I took my turn off the highway and at the stop light stood a man in the cold carrying a cardboard sign that read, "Homeless God Bless You." I was on the phone with my mom and I said, "I wonder what to think about this guy." Well, in about 1.5 minutes I thought alot. And, I had this nagging feeling to  not think, but help, regardless of what I think.

The nagging feeling wouldn't go away. The car in front of me rolled down their window and handed the man at $1 bill...or so I think...it could have been more. So, I listened to that nagging voice and dug into my purse. I actually had cash on me, that alone is a bit of a miracle. I pulled out two bills...two $5 bills. My first reaction was, "I'm not giving him $10, good grief." But the voice said..."Just give him $10, are you so hard up, so unblessed that you can't give up $10?" I agreed. I have it to give away. That $10 may mean way more to him than it will ever to me. How many people just drive by or hand him some loose change or just $1. Maybe the $10 helped him get out of the cold sooner. Maybe it didn't.

So, as I rolled down my window he approached my car like a creature of habit. He knew and smiled at me. His face was pink from the cold and he lacked most of his teeth. But still, he smiled. I handed him the money and said, "Take care of yourself" and he said, "God bless you."

I tend to be on the naiive side, I'll admit. But I felt like I was really helping him.

It's so easy to judge inside our warm cars. I have heated seats for goodness sakes. You can see people give looks, sneers or people thinking, "get a job," or "why doesn't he just go to a homeless shelter." It's not that easy. I've always said this. And, I've always had to listen to my opponents.

When I worked downtown I was always a target for the homeless. I talked to them, one of them hugged me, which prompted the HR people looking at me out the window to freak out. One invited me to his home at the downtown YMCA. Most of them smelled of alcohol or had an obvious mental disability. And most people would never look them in the eye...Look down, don't make eye contact, you'll pass them in a minute and forget what you just saw.

I can't do that. They're people, regardless. They have a soul. You can see it in their eyes and in their smile if you dare to look. They have a name. Their mother named them as newborn children brought into this cruel, unfair and judging world.

I don't know their stories. I may not ever find out. But I feel all we can do is to give the homeless a little help and ask them their name. Look them in the eye and smile. Treat them like people.

You never know what the future holds for you. And, I hope never devastation like the homeless endure. May people always treat you with dignity and respect--regardless if you're standing on the side of the road praying for the goodwill of people, or running a company and people depending on you for your goodwill.

Twas the Night Before Work (an after vacation poem)

Twas the night before work and all through my house

Are piles of toys and laundry and a football watching spouse.

Eighteen days off!  I thought more would get done

Instead we all played, slept and relaxed a ton.

It's time for us all to go to bed so we can be rested for tomorrow

But now I'm panicked about the mess, so sleep time I must borrow.

Time off from work and school was a much needed break

But now it's at least seven hours of sleep and we all must wake.

We'll go back to school and work and to our routine

And I'm sure throughout the week I'll get this house clean.

Time spent with family is so precious and sadly rare

So I have a messy house and piled up laundry...I don't care.

On Being Defined

It's the weekend. My last weekend of vacation. I go back to my normal routine Monday morning. I thought I'd dread it, but I think I'll be just fine. I'm actually looking forward to getting some work done as I've had quite sometime (18 days in a row off work) to reflect about what I need to get accomplished this year.

I'm also in the process of soul searching and trying to find the answer to the question, "What am I supposed to do with my life?" This is a pretty common question. Books like The Purpose Driven Life were written to help people with this very question.

I've always linked my worth to what I do for a living. One of the first things you'll be asked by a new aquaintance is, "What do you do for living." And, we all want to have something awesome to tell. We are asked to give our occupation on tax forms, medical forms, surveys, and credit applications. And, who isn't more impressed with say an attorney than a cashier?

But why? What if the attorney is miserable. They are practicing law because at 24 years of age that's what they thought they wanted to do or were expected to do, but hate it and can't quit because they have $85K in student loans. What if the cashier had no desire to go to college but dedicates her time doing mission work that she feels completes her and her job gives her the flexibility to do so.

One chooses to define themselves by their occupation...the other by what they are passionate about.

In my experience, this is a struggle with employees. People have a passion and feel that if they aren't doing that professionally then they are in the wrong field. Maybe. Not sure.

What if your job is a means to live out your passion?

I do think you should generally like what you do or else you are going to be absolutely miserable at least five days a week. That doesn't do anyone any good. But your passion for life may not be something you can earn a paycheck for...and if you did you may not love it as much.

I do envy the people who say they love what they do so much for a living that they feel they shouldn't get paid for it. Mainly, I've heard this from multi-million dollar actors and singers. Ironic.

My husband is living out his passion and gets paid for it. I often times envy him. But, just last night I was talking to him about my job and said, "I don't want to be defined by my job. There are other things in my life that I want people to see about me."

I want to do a good job at work, meet my goals, encourage my team, etc. But I also want people to see me for the things I am and love. I love traveling, I love writing, I love laughing and watching movies. I want to help people, I want to be Bono (LOL), I want to go on a mission trip, I want to help get a church started in my area. All these things are the things I most passionate about but don't expect to ever get paid for.

And, I think that's the point.

So, here's what I'm thinking: A good occupation that you like helps give you a means to live out the things your are passionate about. Regardless if you're a cashier or an attorney, work to the best of your ability and make time for your highest priorities.

Pressing On

The days of 2009 had to be inspiration for a lot of good country music songs. Like everyone, I've done my share of reflecting. It's healthy and important. You can't ever forget the good or the bad really. Sure, you can repress...and end up a total mess in therapy while dishing out a lot of money because you thought forgetting would heal.

Be honest, you never forget, unless you have Alzheimer's and that's terrible. I have a great, great Uncle that I adore who is living with Alzheimer's and it's so sad what he forgets, like how I'm even connected to him. You may forget where your keys are, to pay a bill, etc. But real life, you don't forget that. And you shouldn't. No matter how painful.

Reflection is healing. And the purpose of my blog is to bring healing to me, regardless who reads it. So, here are my reflections on 2009...

January

My dear mother turned 50, despite the fact that she is what I call, "a freak of nature like Dick Clark."

She doesn't like that, but I say it with love. Everyone who sees her believes she's my sister or friend, but never my mother. I love my mother to a fault. And would do anything for her. We're connected on a level that I'm not sure is healthy, but it is what it is. I feel like she's the source of who I am. Without her tough love, her encouragement, her "opinions", I'm not sure where I'd be. Yep, there are times I dream that I can be independent from her, and I'm trying to learn what the grown-up version of that is. It's really an oxymoron. She taught me to be very independent, yet I need her to be that voice on the other end of the phone. So, to show my love and gratitude my husband and I threw her an awesome birthday bash. My house was filled to capacity of friends and family. My husband and one our friends were the bartenders, we had a beautiful photo cake, food, etc. The new year just felt great.

On January 11th, my son was baptized. Our religious tradition is Baptist. We believe that baptism is done once a person is aware that Jesus died for our sins because we're all sinners in need of forgiveness. My son actually prayed for salvation in November 2008 with my husband. He understood the symbolism of baptism and we were able to witness his decision by him being baptized by immersion. In CJ's words, "I already had Jesus in my heart," when he was baptized.

February
I can't remember much about February. I guess that's a good thing.

March
My cousin Curtie, went off to Boot Camp for National Guard. We were all very proud and scared for him.

Me, Ken and CJ also took a road trip to DC. That was crazy!

April
My dad lost his job after nearly 30 years of employment with the company. I think I took this the hardest. I just felt so, so bad. It didn't seem fair. This is the company my dad worked for when he had to miss so much of my childhood in order to support our family. Even some of my closest friends didn't think I had a dad and was shocked when he showed up for Senior Night to escort me on the field. And just like like...he's laid off without recall. All my parents hopes and dreams for the future were halted like a MAC truck slamming on the brakes on a perfectly clean road. I immediately started brainstorming, how can I help, what can I do, what will they do. I continued to do this throughout the year even though I know they wouldn't want me too. But, to me, that's what family does. We take each others burden as our own. We're there for each other in good times and bad.

Ken also lost his grandpa in April. I think it's more than safe to say that in Ken's grandpa's eyes, Ken was Ghandi. He loved Ken so much and Ken loved him so much. This was really the hardest loss Ken had ever dealt with. So much of who he is can be attributed to his grandpa. I loved him too. I got the short end of the stick with grandparents. And, Ken's grandparents have always shown me unconditional love and acceptance.

May
My son turned six. He participated in a kids marathon. My parents celebrated their 32nd wedding anniversary. My brother and sister-in-law celebrated their 13th wedding anniversary. Lots of other birthdays and anniversaries. May tends to be a crazy celebratory month, like every day is a birthday or anniversary.

June
My son graduated Kindergarten. Just like that...right before my eyes, he completed his first year of school. I feel like he was so much more advanced than I was at that age. He was reading, doing well in math. Though, he was and still is, as social as I am which often got him in a bit of trouble.

Me, Ken and our friends Chris and Jessie spent a weekend in Nashville. I treasure those memories!

July-August-September
The summer months! CJ (my son) started football which dictated my life through November. He hated it. Begged to not go to practice. The little guys were blessed with a mild summer, but six hours of practice a week and games on the weekends proved to be exhausting. Toward the end, he really started to get into it. And, his team was undefeated in their division. We all made some great new friends who later were there for me during the worst time of my life.

Also, these months were spent with our friends at dinners at Cheeseburger in Paradise (bike nights, etc.) at a Kid Rock concert (ahhhh) and just hanging out and having a good time.

October
Normally, October 1st begins Halloween-mania. The whole month is about Halloween. We started out that way. I was at a work meeting the evening of Oct. 5th when I received a phone call that I first ignored. I think it was from my mom. I only had a few more minutes left of the meeting and I would call her as soon as I got in my car. But then a call came from my husband..and then a text. My oldest brother Charlie was admitted into ICU. I was very concerned, but had confidence that he was in good hands and knew my sister-in-law, Angie would take care of him. It wasn't until a few days later when we had a good scare that I realized that Charlie was really, really sick.

Charlie was diagnosed with ARDS, a very serious, very fatal lung condition. But I just knew he'd pull out of it. He was athletic, in great shape and totally stubborn. If anyone would pull through this, he would. The weeks following proved differently. It was just one crisis after another. The whole month changed my life. I suddenly became less involved with my agenda. I wanted to be there for Charlie, even if he had no idea I was there. I wanted to be there for Angie, because I love her so much, even if she didn't realize it (which I think she does). I wanted to be there for my mom and dad.

The Halloween celebrations seemed so silly and stupid. A holiday that my son and I share a total love for. And, at that time in my life, it was. Nothing and I mean nothing, was as important as the hope for Charlie to recover.

On Halloween, we woke up early for CJ's football game. The wind sounded so eerie. I said to CJ, "Listen to the spooky wind...it's Halloween!" trying to muster some festivity. We went to the game, I cried and laughed with the football parents who had been so emotional available to me over the month. As we celebrated our win, my in-laws asked if I had heard any news about Charlie. He had a very serious surgery two days before. I said I hadn't, but that no news is good news. And as soon as the words left my mouth, my phone rang. The caller ID showed TriHealth. My heart stopped momentarily. I knew before I answered. My precious sister-in-law said, "Hey Christina, I don't know where you are right now, but I wanted to let you know that Charlie is going to be taken off of everything and they said it would be a couple of hours." Now, I don't know if you've ever received a call like this. I have only one other time. Oddly enough, from Charlie about our grandmother. But I cared for Charlie much more. Your world stops. Picture this. Everything around you mutes. You look around and people are laughing, kidding around, kids playing, celebrations and your world starts crumbling. Everything you've hoped and prayed for is disappearing. This happens in about 1.5 seconds. I don't know how else to describe it.

My in-laws took CJ and Ken and I head to the hospital. We were too late. Charlie passed away nine minutes after the took him off life support. I received the phone call from my mom as we're were still on the highway. The walk from the parking lot into the hospital, down the long winding halls, into the waiting room, down the long hall through the double-doors into ICU was the most painful experience in my life. I couldn't breath. Literally. My chest felt like I was being crushed by a heavy stone. I have no idea how I even walked because I forgot how. I couldn't think of anything and that's odd for me. My mind was blank...empty. As I walked through the double doors into ICU a crying nurse met me and held my hand and we entered Charlie's room. His somber, so eerily quiet room. No more beeping, no more aspirating sounds from that damn ventilator. Peace.

I walked over and rubbed his swollen hand and arm. He was still warm, but gone. Gone. My oldest brother is gone at 37 years old. What the fuck? Yeah, I said it. I'm not going to even abbreviate it because you know what it means anyway.

November
Trips to the funeral home, assisting with funeral plans, talking about caskets, vaults, grave sites. Uh, is this really happening? Isn't it weird that we all know we're going to die, but when it happens to a loved one we feel so violated and cheated. This whole month began my rebellion against God. Thoughts I've never had before entered my mind, like "how do I even know this whole heaven/hell thing is real," "What if I've been fooled/brainwashed," etc. I call these dangerous thoughts. However, God allowed me to throw my fits just like I do when my six year old thinks I'm so unfair. The rest of the month was all about anger, sadness, guilt, confusion. And to some extent, I'm still dealing with these emotions though they aren't as raw.

December

December became the month that I began to force some healing and perspective. And to present, that's still happening.

I celebrated my 11th wedding anniversary. How thankful I am for Ken. And how little I show him how much I appreciate him. I think about this much deeply now. It seems that all of our married life, we've scraped by. So, I wanted to do something special and treated him to a very nice dinner at the Precinct. He loved it! Mission accomplished!

My dad celebrated his 56th birthday. Now, if we could get him to quit smoking so I can have him around a little longer.

And, we celebrated the new year with close friends! They have been the silver lining in a horrible year. They've allowed me to cry and have cried with me, taken me out when I needed to get away, made me laugh and just been real. I characteristic I admire above all!

So, goodbye 2009! Hello 2010. After reflecting I'm not sure I want to know what the future holds. The lesson is to make the most of each day and live with no regrets. Because there's plenty of pain in store for all of us, but also plenty of good times too!

"Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 3:13-14