2010 Year in Review

Last December 31st, I was never so glad to welcome a new year!!! 2009 was just an awful year. A really truly terrible year. All my hopes and energy went into wishing and hoping 2010 was a little more calm...and my wish was granted!

January/February
These cold winter months brought little drama. Snow followed us on our whirlwind trip to Las Vegas in February...and the Arizona Highway Patrol shut down the roads on the way to the Grand Canyon...so, we still need to do that as a family.

March/April/May
My brother Andrew decided to join the Army. We all worried so much about him. He was very brave and tried very hard, but got hurt during some of the drills. He came home in June (bittersweet: we were happy, he was sad). He decided to give college another try and is doing very well. I'm very proud of his courage!

I visited New Orleans in April for a work conference. I think this is one of the best times I've had! I so enjoyed the people, the atmosphere, Bourbon Street.

CJ turned seven in May and I officially no longer have a baby/toddler/pre-schooler. He's just so grown up. I really never thought I could love someone so much!

Ken, CJ and I took a trip to the Laurel Highlands in the southwestern region of Pennsylvania to go whitewater rafting on the Youghiogheny River. This area is just absolutely beautiful and water is pristine. We camped one night in an area without any cell phone reception. It was divine. We had a fabulous time! We also visited a couple National Parks while we were in the area!

My dad also went back to work after being laid off for over a year. 

CJ finished 1st grade and was promoted to 2nd grade. Yikes...it's just flying by!

June/July
Ken and I explored Cincinnati. We went to the William Howard Taft National Historic Site (yep, another NPS cancellation!!!).

We also explored Chicago with CJ and my nephew Justin. The purpose of the trip was Lego Discoveryland. While we were there we went on the Sky deck in Willis (formerly Sears) Tower, visited the Navy Pier, swam in the lake and tried Chicago-style pizza. We made some great memories!

The hot months of July were spent at baseball games/football began and just goofing off. Nothing earth-shattering, but we had fun! I also decided to become a Mary Kay Beauty Consultant. Wish I had more time to devote to this because I really like it.

August/September
The last days of summer are precious. We took a last minute trip to St. Louis to visit the Arch (another NPS cancellation!) and cruised the Mississippi on the Tom Sawyer.

We also visited Mammoth Cave National Park in September with friends, as well as Dino World, The Lost River and the worst diner we've ever eaten at. It makes for a great story to tell for those that were there.

CJ started 2nd grade and has an absolutely amazing teacher. We are very blessed to have her!

October/November
October was probably the hardest month of the year because each day I re-lived the tragedy of losing my brother. In October 2009 he was admitted into ICU on October 5th and died on October 31st. It still seems unreal and there are times I think that I made up the whole thing, only to be slapped with the cold reality that he really died.

I went on with the usual Halloween festivities despite a feeling of sadness. For me, it helped me cope, but never once did I forget Charlie, and I never will.

October was also busy with football and we've made some amazing new football friends in addition to the ones we already have! I would have never believed a youth football association could be so amazing, but it is and we're so happy to be part of it. Now, if we can convince CJ that he wants to be part of it (because that's what really matters) we'll be in business!

I turned 33 on November 24th. I obsessed about this slightly because my maternal grandmother was 33 when she died. I now realize how very young that is. But obsessing over bad things never makes good things happen, so I'm not giving it to the universe. My mom and husband gave me an incredible birthday gift, Toodles...a little Yorkie/Pom mix. She just now weighs 2 pounds and she's a cute as she can be!

December
Oh, the most wonderful time of the year (I say with sarcasm). It's such a hectic time. But I do feel that this year (despite not saving any money for Christmas) I had a great time. My tree was beautiful, the stockings looked great and I got to spend alot of time with husband...and we really enjoyed each others company.

We celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary by spending the evening at the Westin downtown. It was wonderful. It's great to have time alone to reflect why we fell in love. And if I had to do all over again, I'd still choose him. I'm a better person because of him.

We attended our first 11 p.m. Christmas Eve service this year at Mt. Moriah UMC. It was beautiful and touching and I cried through the service. By time the candlelight part began, CJ was snoring in the pew. At midnight, we were at church wishing everyone Merry Christmas. It was the perfect way to celebrate the birth of our savior.

So, I'm now one hour away from it being New Year's Eve. As I reflect on 2010, I'm thankful beyond words that I'm here to write this, my family is here and we didn't have any tragedies come upon us. I know not every year can be like this, so I'm especially grateful for this year. My prayer for 2011 is that God will grant me courage to withstand any of life's trials should they come and to hold tighter to my faith than I have.

To all of you that read this, here is an old Irish blessing for you:

Here's to the bright new year

And a fond farewell to the old;

Here's to the things that are yet to come

And to the memories that we hold.

May God be with you and bless you.

May the best of this year be the worst of the next.

May you be poor in misfortune, rich in blessings.

May you know nothing but happiness

From this day forward. 

The Last Kiss

This movie was about several couples dealing with a crisis in their relationship--a 30-year marriage dealing with a confession of infidelity, a young married couple with a baby realizing they are not right for each other, a young couple deals with infidelity despite a baby on the way.

Each person in the movie that made the decision to cheat or leave did so because there was something void in either their life or in their relationship that they felt making a selfish decision would fix it. As you can guess, these decisions didn't fix anything.

The point made toward the end of the movie by one of the characters (who remained faithful throughout his 30-year marriage) is that everyone is tempted to make a selfish decision. Those who act on it have no regard for the person they love, and only think of their own feelings in the moment. A young man repeatedly tells the father of the girl he loves that he's sorry and he loves her. The father points out that any asshole can say they love someone, but the proof is what you do unto the one you love, not what you say.

People make mistakes....unforgiveable ones. I make no excuses for those who have been unfaithful. I do believe everyone has been tempted a time or two, but not everyone acts upon it.

So here's what I'm thinking: Maybe couples should spend more time thinking of what they can do to make their partner happy. Surprise them with their favorite meal, watch a football game with them, go to the ballet even if you hate it. Being with someone is one of the most remarkable gifts we have. I don't know anyone who truly loves to be lonely. Perhaps there are a few. Why is it that early in a relationship we're kind and polite and forgo the things that make us happy. Yet after we've built a foundation we become increasingly more selfish?

Relationships are hard. Music doesn't automatically play in the background when your spouse comes home from work. In my house, I'm not even sure when Ken is able to come home. And, there aren't rose petals leading up to the bedroom full of candelight. Instead, there are Legos strewn around the house, empty cans in the game room and always the sound of video games instead of violins. This is real life. And you know what, I love it.

I love movies. I look forward to this blog series on movies. But I've got to learn that real life isn't one. And what a shame movies miss out on real life. Perhaps you can't write a movie as good as the one you're living.

Becoming Jane

I've done a tad of cleaning of the holiday break (and I mean only a tad). I tend to be OCD when I clean, which I why I don't do it a lot. I obsess over insignificant items like the direction the teaspoons and tablespoons are placed in the drawer, the directions of books on the shelf (tallest to shortest), and alphabetizing my DVDs.

As I was sorting through the DVDs I discovered quite a large amount of DVDs never opened. Many of these I've seen before, some I haven't. So, I've decided to watch them all (even if I've seen them and write about them.

Tonight, I chose the first movie, a Netflix rental, "Becoming Jane." This movie is about the life of Jane Austen.

Jane Austen was a very modern woman for her times. She understood human nature and the heart in a way that wasn't necessarily socially acceptable. It was heartbreaking to watch the expectations Jane's family placed on her to marry in order ensure her family's financial success. During her era, this was common for women to marry in order to secure a comfortable life despite not being in love. There weren't employment options for women then as there are now. The only viable option for her was to marry. Amazingly, her father believed so deeply in her dream to "live by the pen" that he bought her expensive paper and a writing desk in order to encourage her gift.

Jane was a black sheep in her society. She wanted to depend on herself for her fortune and not on an arranged marriage. As I reflect on all this, my first thought was, "whoa, how times have changed." But as I thought further, I wondered, "Have they?"

Women do have so many more options today. And many are able to articulate their desire for a career  without disapproval from their family or society. Matter-of-fact, it is socially acceptable for women to create their own fortune. But there are many women who do marry with the idea of financial security in the back of their mind. They choose a husband that they do indeed love, but the package deal is a good job and perhaps a wealthy family. There are still jokes about women attending college in search of the "MRS degree." I don't want to go down the path of passing judgement on any of this, but I do have some thoughts.

So here's what I'm thinking: Life is as uncertain today as it was in the 1800s. Women can marry for financial security only to find their world ripped out from under them. I've witnessed women having their "secure" life changed by divorce or death of a spouse. These women no longer had the "luxury" of depending on a man for their financial means. They've had to live by their own "pen" in order to survive. These women had already developed skills or had an occupation they could rely on. I'm sure there are tragic stories of women not knowing how to survive when unfortunate circumstances befell them.

My thoughts aren't to say women should or shouldn't work, but rather, women should be strong and independent in order to survive life's curve balls. This isn't about being political, burning bras, women's lib, etc. It's about being able to care for oneself.

Women like Jane had to sacrifice a lot in order to make a very impossible decision. She turned down an offer of marriage that would have turned her families financial decison for the better. Matter-of-fact, she never married at all. How lucky us women are today that our decisions aren't so difficult. We do have so many choices. So, whatever you choose, ensure your choice doesn't leave you dependent and helpless.

A New Journey

I've been spending a considerable amount of time thinking about a lot of things. I just turned 33...Happy Birthday to me!

There wasn't any crisis associated with this birthday. I've been asked a few times if I feel older and I don't. That's a good thing. I've actually just felt more inspired. Like something has clicked. I've decided to begin a new journey.

I don't have a name or definition for this journey yet. It may never have a name. All I can say is that whatever is in my head is revitatlizing me. I feel more youthful, in fact!

This journey is not going to feed off negativity. It is not superficial. It's not mimicking someone else's journey. I'm not afraid to go on it alone...matter-of-fact, I need to. And, that means I've resolved to let go of the dependence of what others think of me. At this point in my life, if you're worth it to me, you know.

So, I've lived for 33 years...just imagine what I'll do in the next 33 to come and beyond. I hope when I'm 66 I can reflect on this and pinpoint this as the moment I began a new journey.

Life Lessons-Thanksgiving Edition

More life lessons from CJ...this time the Thanksgiving edition:

1. If you are scared then don't be afraid. It's November, snap out of it people!!
2. If you like Thanksgiving, you may have to hold down the turkey so it doesn't run away when you put a knife to it to cut it.
3. On Thanksgiving, do not eat sushi because that would be disgusting!
4. For Thanksgiving, do not think that Halloween is over because it's coming back next year, so don't think that!
5. On Thanksgiving, do not go to an old creepy house because that will not be your mom or you dad's house.
6. It will not be a good time to go to the beach because how are you going to have Thanksgiving with your mom or dad?
7. Do not leave food out because worms will become in your house. P.S. It will be disgusting because then you will have to pick it up and you have to throw it away and it will smell your house up.
8. Do not have a party for kids because you don't want your house to shake when you are eating.
9. If you shop for Christmas then you are really really dumb because it's Thanksgiving people!
10. When it's Christmas eve and you already decorated, you should have decorated for Thanksgiving...and next time, that's what you want to think. P.S. Try remembering next time.

365 Days

Three hundred and sixty-five days ago my brother Charlie died.

He lived for 37 years and now has been gone for 365 days. I wish I could tell you that I've made peace in the last year and have complete understanding of why it happened. But, I can't.

I wish I could say all the words of "comfort" helped, but I don't actually believe God needed him more or it was "his time." None of those actually make sense to me.

I wish that I could be at a point to believe in the power of prayer again, but I don't. So, know that when I say you're in my thoughts, you really are. I just don't know how praying would actually make the outcome you're seeking "magically" work.

I guess what I've learned in the past 365 days is this:

1. Life is short...and not fair. You don't always get what you want no matter how good you are or how much you think you deserve it. And, it may all end sooner than you want. And, that sucks.
2. God listens...but may not grant our wishes. God is much more a mystery to me than he was 366 days ago. I don't think He's a jerk or liar. I just think I may have believed in him in a way that contradicted who He really is. I know, I'm not making much sense, but it makes sense to me.
3. There's no harm in just living your life to the fullest. I've taken the opportunity to just have fun over the past year despite my sadness. I've shared tears with a total stranger in New Orleans who also lost her brother last year. We cried real tears, laughed, hugged and took a few shots together.
4. I'm less concerned with the title of my denomination. I've been raised Baptist my whole life, but really, I feel like I get Jesus more without the confines of the Baptist faith.
5. Jesus is amazing. I actually wish I could have walked and talked with him in the flesh. I'm also glad he's forgiving!
6. Drinking is a dysfunctional band-aid. That's all I'm gonna say.
7. You can mourn the death of a loved one and still cope. This says nothing about the feelings you have for this person. You don't have to dress in black and cry all the time to show people how much you love them.
8. Random crying will always creep up on you and you shouldn't beat yourself up over it.
9. You should tell people how much they mean to you, regardless of how insignificant you may think it is at the time. You never know when it will be your last opportunity.
10. God is not a genie in a bottle. He's so much bigger than this finite life. He extends beyond the hours, days and years we're here on earth.
11. People die. They always have. And, it's always hurt the people that loved them. But time marches on and one of these days, we'll be history to future generations who will be dealing with their struggles of life and death.
12. I'll never "get over" losing my brother. I'll never forget him.

Life Lesson's continued by C.J

More "Life Lessons" from CJ in all his seven-year old wisdom. These are 100% his words including the post scripts. This time he edited over my shoulder and made sure I used the correct punctuation he had in mind, like an exclamation mark. Before long, he'll be typing his own blog...God help us all!

1. If you see a dust bunny, then don't give it water...give it dust for water or else it will be blown away.
2. If the dust bunny succeeds, then you should call dust bunny care.
3. If you see a bully at school, then you need to tell him that he is dumb because bullies are dumb.
4. If you plan a party, then you need to have a whole entire squad of daycare teachers take care of the kids.
5. On Halloween, make sure your costume doesn't scare yourself to death. (P.S. It will dumb if you scare yourself to death!)
6. Make sure in October you don't think it's December because you are way ahead of life.
7. If you go to the beach in October you will be freezing or maybe hot.
8. If you look up at number 7, then you are behind. We are down here at number 8.
9. If you're nervous about Halloween then there is something wrong with you.
10. If you watch a Halloween movie and you get scared, make sure not to go in your basement.

Living on the B List

If I were a celebrity I would most certainly be a B-lister. I would be as famous as the 1980s/1990s television stars that didn't quite make it to superstardom. I do believe in myself enough to think that I wouldn't be completely forgotten, just not the first person that would come to someone's mind.

I've joked with people before that I'm a B-lister. I've actually never been the person that's made #1 on the list of invites to parties, dinner with friends, etc. I'm not a trend setter, I'm not a drop-dead gorgeous person, I'm not as funny to others as I think I am (though I actually don't care about that because I often laugh out loud at myself).

But as I age, this becomes less important. I use to feel sorry for myself and wonder why is that some people seem to be a magnet for people's affections despite being self-centered? I do feel that the "confidence" these self-centered people exude lures people into their world. I'm not sure people like me lure anyone to be with them. People like me are, alright...but not awesome.

I'm not a bad person...though I do think sometimes I'm a bad friend. Despite wanting to have friends, I find myself getting overwhelmed with the work friendships take. And, that's pretty pathetic, I'll admit. How do I fit friendships into my already crazy lifestyle of being a mother to a school-aged child, wife to a workaholic while trying to maintain a career of my own? At the end of the day, my friendships suffer. But I make no apologies for choosing my family.

So, here's what I'm thinking: as I look at pictures of my former "best" friends getting on with their life without me, I need to realize that I've made the decision to be out. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss them and their friendship but I am not sure I know how to balance all of it.

Looks like I'm staying on the B list for awhile longer.

The Unlived Life?

"Don't be afraid to die...be afraid of the unlived life."

from "Tuck Everlasting."

I get it.  Live life to it's fullest...live out loud. We only have one chance at this life. I truly grasp the idea.

My question is, how? How can you freely do all you want to do, grab life by the horns and live when you have so many other responsibilities? I can't just quit my job, travel the world, save the world, make a difference in a large way.

Does it have to be this dramatic, or is it living through the little things? And, should we just be content with that? What if I want to live in a bigger way than I currently am? Like BIG! Not just going through the motions....staying up too late, contemplating deep thoughts on a stupid blog, get up late, rush to work while putting my make-up on in the car, make sure someone picks CJ up from school, go home exhausted and lay on my couch and look foward to a jam-packed weekend, just to be extremely exhausted and do it all again.

Is this living? Am I meant for more?

Dang Hollywood movies!

Rollercoasters & Risks

Tonight I went to an amusement park with my husband and son, CJ. This is the first year that CJ has been tall enough to ride some actual roller coasters outside of the kiddie area. He rode two new coasters tonight and enjoyed them both...but it wasn't quite that easy.

As we were waiting in line for the last roller coaster, he was trying to talk himself out of riding it. He asked a lot of questions, "How fast does it go?...Will my arms get cut off by something sharp if I stick them out?..." He even tried to get out of the line.

I know my son probably better than anyone. I knew he would love this ride. I just needed to reassure him that I would not let him ride anything that would harm him. As we approached the lines for the individual carts, he agreed to get in the front seat line. Fast forward...he absolutely LOVED it. He wanted to get in line again!

This little experience got me thinking about the risks in our lives that we're approached with. Sometimes what we know or think to be safe is much more comfortable than trying something new for fear of "getting our arms cutoff." We can't see 10 minutes, one day or even five years into the future. To get on a fast moving cart and take a rollercoaster ride that may be out of our control is scary. But, in the end, the twists, turns and hills is what gives us the adrenaline rush and we'll never know what fun lies ahead if we refuse to get on.

So here's what I'm thinkin': Take the risks that you know are safe and ride it out...or else you'll never know the fun that comes with it.

I admit...this gets harder to do as you get older (both literal and philosophical rollercoasters!)

I had church in my car today

I had to do a little traveling to meet some volunteers today. I guess I didn't think through enough that the fair is going on and I may be stuck in traffic for, oh I don't know....45 minutes.

However, I was stuck in a long line along US 50 near a park. It was pretty around. There were trees, a breeze and some sunshine. So, I plugged my iPod into my stereo, put it on shuffle and listened to whatever came at me.

I have a variety of contemporary Christian artists on my iPod. Normally these days I just skip through those because I don't feel like listening to people sing how great God has made their lives. It's a process people...I know I have a ton to be thankful for and I am.

But this song came on...I felt compelled to leave it...sing on top of my lungs...and do a little praisin' that I haven't done in a very long time.

Chili

I'm  beginning to cook like a grown-up....after all these years of being on my own. I've created an amazing chili recipe just from gut instinct twice now. CJ said it's the best chili ever. So, there you have it!

I wish I had more time for these simple pleasures.

Faking it in Pictures

Why are we so afraid to let people know that we don't have it all together? I'm a Facebook stalker, and don't judge, you probably are too. I mean, really, who hasn't accepted a friend that you were unsure of just to check out their pictures and not thought, "Oh my God, they've lost all their hair since high school (gained weight, look better, nice looking spouse, etc.)" I'm 100% sure I'm not the only one that's had these thoughts. But it's the very fear of these thoughts that Facebookers go out of their way to make everyone believe their life is about as perfect as you can get. You see the perfect poses, beautiful smiles, light hitting your hair just right so you look amazing. Who is going to post that bad picture? You don't want anyone seeing that. And, that's completely acceptable and understanding.

But here's the underlying problem with "faking it in pictures" as I call it: it makes people feel like crap. Is that your problem? Probably not, people are going to feel like crap no matter what. But I want to connect with that real person. The person who isn't afraid to say, "my life is a mess right now," or "I don't have it all-together, but I'm trying the best I can."

I have two major aversions in life: 1) dishonesty/liars 2)hypocrisy.

Funny thing is that these two are extremely related. Isn't hypocrisy (saying one thing and doing another) a form of being dishonest?

Let me make myself clear however: I do LOVE reading my friends updates on the good things going on in their life: baby's being born, weddings, doing well in school, the long-awaited vacation, a new car/house, new pets, daily frustrations that I may be able to offer support in, etc. What grates on my nerves is the blatant, "look at me, look at me" updates and photos. And you know these people. And just a little confession, I've been this person too.

I know writing all this is going to make every single person who reads it wonder if I'm talking about them. I'm not talking about any one person. It's just a general observation.

But as I type and think, I believe that the flashy photos and attention grabbing updates are absolutely no different than my blogging. After all, I want you to read and must confess that I know more than the three people who "follow" my blog read this, but I do get sad whenever I see I still only have three followers. So, at the end of the day maybe I'm just jealous and want attention too. Hmmm, something to reflect on further for myself.

Weird post tonight, I know. So, to all my dear friends (and I wouldn't have you as a friend if you didn't mean something to me at some point in my life), keep the photos and updates coming. For the most part, I LOVE reading them...just don't feel like you have to fake your life to impress others. A little humility makes people love you alot more. Humans yearn for connections and relationships. And, we can't do that with the people that make us feel they are way out of our league.

Badger, Badger, Badger, Mushroom Mushroom, a Snake

I did not have a good day today. It was just...eh...

But really, I've had justifiably bad days. So, I can't categorize it into a bad day either. I guess at the end of the day, I sit here and think...it was just another day of my life crossed off the calendar and I can't redo it or undo it, so, I'm going to spend the next hour that's left not worrying about it.

So, tonight, my mom gave me the inspiration for writing this entry. Here's the backstory:

Last weekend I was at IHOP with my mom, CJ and Ken. Now, if you know my son, CJ, you know that he's a special blessing if you like a really good comedic show. I swear he has natural talent and a very amazing gift to make people laugh. And he's had this since, well, he's been able to talk. He has comedic timing that people would love to have. All on his own...perfect timing!

Like, when watching this scary movie called, "The Messenger," there was a scene when a ghost was coming out of a wall. The three-year old CJ says, "I'd be selling." Okay, it was hysterical.

Or he'll "make-up" sayings that I wonder if he's heard somewhere, but claims they're his, such as, "I don't have money but I know alot about the governor." I have no idea what this means, but coming from a seven year old it's funny.

So, back to IHOP last weekend. We're eating our food when CJ decides to get out of the seat and stand next to our table and move his hands up and down while singing, "badger, badger, badger, badger, mushrooms. badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, mushrooms," etc.

There are two funny moments about this. The theatricality of CJ and Ken's face. We had no idea what he was doing. After further questioning, CJ tells us that his uncle Andrew showed him a video on the computer. Then panic sets in...hope it was G rated, LOL.

So, Ken calls Andrew to find out what all the badger business is about. I'll post below and I do hope this is another (of the many) reasons to stay off the crackpipe!

A Video from New Orleans starring Liz Vessell and random street performers

I've had a couple of really productive days at work. Is this what it feels like to not have ADHD...boy, am I jealous for those of you who don't suffer from it. I'd probably be like, a world dominator by now if I didn't suffer from it.

But, in the end, ADHD won when I got home. Well, that's not entirely true either. I continued to work up until about an hour ago. This time trying dig myself out of all the emails I've accumulated.

Speaking of emails, who else thinks this is becoming less efficient and more of a nuisance? I, for one, sent way too many emails to co-workers in the last two days. I've been like an email crack-addict. Wouldn't be more effective to just give people information face-to-face? But, who wants more meetings? Hmm...I have no answers.

So, I finally stopped working and turned to a project I've been meaning to get around to...getting the video off of my phone and storing somewhere online. I'm not exactly a savvy tech person, so this has been a chore.

But here is a little something fun that I uploaded from my trip to New Orleans. A little background: I wanted to take a still picture but my video setting was on. So, everyone just posed as I tried to take the picture. I decided to just let them know I took the picture, moved my camera over a little (thus the shot of the police cruiser) and then went back to recording because they were so good!

On Laughing

I can't think of a better medicine than laughter. If you are able to laugh, it helps your temporarily forget the bad things that are happening at the moment.

When my mom was suffering with a herniated disk and was in serious pain, I bought her a Teletubby doll, Laa-Laa. It was silly and made her laugh. I think it eased some of the horrible moments a little.

Nothing deep tonight. I just wanted to tell you what I was thinking: Purposely lighten up...laugh a little.

So Don't You Bring Me Down Today

Wow! So much for that New Year's promise of writing everyday. It's not that I haven't thought about it. I check my own blog on a regular basis like there is something new on there. I've started a post, deleted them, etc. Then I wonder, "Does it even matter, who's reading anyway?" But it does matter. I love writing and putting my thoughts down. And not everything I write has to be witty, clever, sensitive, etc. Isn't a blog just an informal outlet to rant anyway? It's not like I'm writing a great novel!

I've been struggling with my insecurities again. For someone who has prided herself in being confident, I've sure lost it. I don't know when or how that happened, but it did. I expect the worst when people speak to me and have become paranoid that I'm the topic of bad conversation with people around me. Really, that's just being narcissistic. And, if people are talking, why do I care? Because that old saying, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me," just isn't true. It's a great affirmation, yes. But, words do hurt. You're just a liar if you say it doesn't hurt when someone says something mean or hurtful about you. We all want acceptance. But, at what cost?

So here's what I'm thinking: I don't have a clue how to not let people hurt me. I'm not that wise yet. But I do think a starting place is to surround yourself with people that actually do enjoy your company and generally like you. You can tell who those people are. Invest in the people that are willing to invest in you.

So, I'll leave you with a little inspiration from another Christina that helped me a little tonight! And may it not be as long for my next post!

Community

I just went out of town for a work conference in New Orleans, LA. The first evening of the conference I listened to a panel of four women who had been completely impacted and changed by the flooding of New Orleans following Hurrican Katrina in 2005. I listened and watched as, nearly five years later, these women recalled the most devastating event of their lives. They took deep breaths, held back tears, cried and sighed. This event will most likely be the defining moment of their lives. But what was most impactful was listening to how they are surviving and their outlook on how to move on.

Community.

If you're reading this, you know the deal about New Orleans in 2005. Hurricane Katrina actually missed New Orleans, but due to the biggest engineering failure in US history, the waters of Lake Pontchartrain broke the levees and flooded most of New Orleans. In the end, over 1500 lives were lost and to date, there are still people missing.

In the wake of the devastation to present day, New Orleanians learned the hard way that the government could not support their efforts or supply their needs. They turned to community. It was the local communities and the strong women in those communities that have worked tirelessly to restore the city they love. The fearless leaders, the people who weren't afraid to face a giant, the neighbor who put themself last in order to help someone else is what is turning New Orleans around.

This concept has left a lasting impression on me. It seems that community all around me is crumbling. With a tanking economy, reduction of staff, people being asked to do more with less, the sense of community is faltering. Think about your communities...all the places you can call a community. Your city/town/county, your work, church, or school. How are you ensuring that you reach out to each person in that community in order to make it a better place?

The biggest impression the panel left with me was that they learned someone else couldn't take care of them...they needed to take care of them. They took responsibility because they cared. Another speaker at the conference, Meg Wheatley said, "Nothing about us, without us, if for us." The community actually needed to be involved in order for them to support the efforts.

So here's what I'm thinking tonight: I belong to several communities (home, work, township, county, city, state, etc). Some of them I care about more than others. I want to cultivate these communities by focusing on what's possible and who care's,  rather than focus on what's wrong. Any fool can point out what's wrong with something or someone. That's actually not brilliance at all.  But a truly caring, visionary person can see and ask, "What's possible?"

Between listening to some dynamic speakers and taking the opportunity to walk the French Quarter in New Orleans, I feel that once again, my experiences have broadened my perspective in such a positive way. So here are a few life lessons I've learned this past weekend:

• Don't take life so seriously. Everyone goes through devastating storms, but you need to take responsibility of what you can do and allow other people in your life help you through that. You also need to help other people through their storms and not pretend you haven't or won't weather a few.
• Focus on the people who care...not the people who don't.
• Laugh and Love! No cliche here. Really, both are needed. You need to truly love people, the very way that Jesus commanded. See past their flesh and reach for their soul and love that person.
• Embrace your life. You only have one shot and allowing other people to bring it down is robbing you of joy. You are in control of your reactions to situations.
• Take care of yourself first so you can take care of others.
• Have God in your life. I'm not Catholic, but being in St. Louis Cathedral was so awesome that I felt God tapping on my shoulder and saying, "Quit running from me, I will lead you to still waters and give you peace."

Thank you New Orleans! I haven't forgotten about you and know that there are still people all over the US rooting for you!

Irrational Fears

I have irrational fears.

My very sure world has crumbled around me, yet I feel the pressure to not cave as well. But it's getting harder.

I've been thinking for some time where did these fears stem from and why do I have them. I need to feel secure, yet nothing around me is secure.

• The country I thought was safe from acts of war was attacked on Sept. 11, 2001. I was scared. What if Cincinnati was attacked? What if D.C. was attacked again while I vacationed there only a month later? What if a crazed perfume lady squirted me with contaminated perfume while passing the counter at the mall (remember those emails?).
• My first real job after college was laying people off for about two weeks straight after Sept. 11, 2001. Was I valuable enough to keep my job? Did I matter? Turns out that my job wasn't affected, but I saw too many people that were hardworking, dedicated people lose their jobs to the suffering travel industry.
• I had a baby. My life changed (for the best), but could I still add value after being gone for three months? Turns out, I didn't care. I left my job to care for my newborn.
• Money was tight. Turns out, I actually needed to work. So, I worked odds and ends jobs to help contribute to the family income.
• Then I worked a whole bunch of different jobs trying to find my calling. Thought I found it a time or two, but turns out, none of them were. Quit again thinking I needed to be home with my baby. Then, my husband was hit on purpose by a drunk driver. Life changed again and nothing was as I thought it would be.
• I found another job working part-time in my profession. Turns out, my boss was the spawn of Godzilla. So, again, my hopes were lost.
• Found another position and started with very little expectations. Turns out, I've been there for over four years...a record for me.
• The economy has tanked...my dad lost his job after 30 years. I lose more faith in my secure world.
• My older brother dies and I'll never make sense of it. Turns out, life is effed up and unfair. Hmmm.

On top of all the above, I've been stabbed in the back by "friends" and co-workers (once even finding a very horrible email written about me to a co-worker's parents...and she even had the nerve to throw me a baby shower), thrown under the bus, and often I just feel kicked around. I'm like the stupid dog that you leer at that licks your face just to make you smile.

So, as I'm trying to figure out why I have irrational fears, I think I need to deal with the other fears and hurts from the past. I have become so untrusting. And I think some of this may be instinct, but also self-defense. I'm in one of those fight-or-flight moments in my life and I have no idea why.

Irrational fears...are they so irrational?

Before I Get Too Old

Things that I want to do before I get too old:

• Travel to Europe...yep...most of it. And, by train. I actually need to do some of this traveling relatively soon because it will serve to support some of the other goals I have before I get too old.
• Lose weight and get in shape. What fun is it to be fit when gravity starts severely working against you anyway?
• Write a book or two. I have several ideas and began writing a few...but not brave enough to do what I know I'm supposed to do. So, I need to get over it and just write it. But it's scary!
• Take life less seriously. I LOVE to cross days off my calendar. I have a bill calendar I do this to. But, as I was crossing some back days off, it made me realize that those days are done and gone and all the stupid shit I was concerned about that day doesn't matter. I need to learn this quick!
• Travel across the country via Route 66 (or what's left of it).
• Maybe get my Masters Degree...I've been thinking of this more and think I finally found the best program.
• Go on vacation by myself. This has nothing to do with not loving my family...but the thrill of traveling somewhere alone and exploring solo sounds fun to me.

Is There Life "out there?"

NERD ALERT:

I am watching National Geographic tonight about Mars. Nothing too different from what we've heard...what if life is on Mars, could there ever be life on Mars, are we alone in this universe?

So, I'll cut to the chase tonight on what I'm thinking:
I LOVE to entertain the idea that we aren't alone, that there is another galaxy where there is life that mirrors us. A place where maybe they didn't mess up. Living beings living together along each other peaceably. Maybe they are younger than life on Earth. Maybe they have some supernatural way of understanding where we went wrong as a human race and are warned to not make the same mistakes.

I love the thought that we aren't the only of our kind in this infinite universe. I am not a god...but if I were, I totally wouldn't just make human life on one planet. I would love to create, create, create. Heck, how many of you love to create farms and towns on Facebook? This brings you joy. Don't you think God would get joy from doing the same things.

Yeah, I don't know where all this is coming from tonight, but I haven't written in awhile and have nothing too deep to offer tonight. But, I would like to hear your thoughts.

Discuss...

Move On

I've never been on the Oprah Winfrey train. But I read a quote from her today that I quite like.

She said, "You are responsible for your life. You can't keep blaming somebody else for your dysfunction. Life is really about moving on."

I feel like we live in a culture that has given us permission to blame everyone but ourselves for the bad stuff in our life. Cincinnati, Ohio was just named the craziest city in the U.S. We have more psychiatrists per capita than any major metropolitan city. I'm grateful people seek help, don't get me wrong. MORE people should do it. But, I'd hate to be in the psychiatrist seat sometimes. Listening to people blame everyone else for their problems. I don't want to get all deep into this, because I'm a HUGE advocate for mental wellness and people do have real problems that have been caused at the hands of another.

I'm talking in much simpler terms. The kid who blames their parents for everything bad (you didn't buy me the best clothes and I was made fun of and now I have a shopping addiction that led to my enormous credit card debt).

Everyone has problems and skeletons in the closet. But at some point, don't you have to think, "Hey, this is my life. I'm gonna take control and move on."

Maybe you need to blame a lot of people before you get there. I think that's okay. There are steps to moving on. It doesn't just happen.

It's tempting to blame. Don't get me wrong. Man, if I could blame other people for not being as successful as I want to be, or for not having all of the finer things, then I'm off-the-hook. It's not my fault!!!

Well, I'm just sharing my experience. There really isn't anything in my life that I can 100% attribute to being someone elses fault. And you know what...that's liberating for me. I have a certain amount of control to make my life better or worse. And there are a lot of things I have NO control over that's going to make my life better or worse. And the latter fact I'm going to have to accept.

So here's what I'm thinking: Stop blaming people and move on with your life. Sure, we've all been dealt some bad cards and life's not fair. But are we so selfish that we want to be spared at the expense of someone else? Great! I wasn't laid-off from work...it was someone else. Thank God it wasn't my relative involved in the accident on the highway...it was someone else. Bad things happen, why should we be exempt? We won't be. And there's always going to be a reason (corrupt banking systems, tanking economy, a drunk driver) but do we hold onto those reasons and lose the rest of our life because we refuse to move on?

So, let go of shock that someone or something has wronged you. Dare to explore the life ahead of you...that unknown...the unfamiliar...the mystery of what lies ahead. And you may discover something so potentially magnificient and beautiful that is beyond what you currently can imagine if...you dare to move on!

More Life Lessons from CJ

1. If you go fishing you will get eaten by a minnow.

2. If you go to McDonald's, you will throw up on your husband.

3. If you wash your whole room with oxyclean, it will smell like a cows butt.

4. If you watch The Office, you will be an office person forever.

Like Me or Leave Me

It's not a shocker that I'm addicted to pleasing people. I actually think it may be an illness that has been rotting my soul. What may seem like a forgiving nature is actually self-serving. It has nothing to do with taking the high road or actually being gracious. It has everything to do with my peace of mind...the peace that comes with knowing that you like me.

Anyone who really knows me, knows that I am indeed an opinionated person. But I'm not always truthful about my opinions. And, I am cursed with wearing my emotions on my face. I really can't lie. If I tell you everythings fine, you know I'm lying because my body language throws me under the bus everytime.

I feel like I've always sacrificed what I've wanted for the sake of giving into others. I have an uncanny knack for making friends with people with stronger personalities (please don't read into this and think it's about you...this statement is a culmination of my life experiences, so chances are, you don't even know this person). I talk big, don't get me wrong. I'll be the first to say, "Well, I would say," or "I'll tell you what I'd do," but when faced with it I never do.

So, my defense mechanism is to retreat, cry, get angry, and passive aggressive. A lot of work just so I can make sure people like me. All of these negative attributes actually make things worse. Why can't I just speak up and stand up for myself? Why is that so hard? At the end of the day, I just want this person out of my life because I've bottled up a lot of negative emotion.

It's getting harder to mask my feelings. Or, am I on the edge of being able to just let people know what I feel? What am I afraid of?

Easy...people not liking me.

I'm amazed at how mean friends can be to one another. I've witnessed over the last few months friends throwing each other under-the-bus or gossiping about each other as soon as they have the chance. And fair is fair, I've done this too, so I'm not putting myself on a pedestal.

I don't want to be that person. I want to be honest about my frustrations and want to be able to hear your frustrations too. Friendship doesn't mean that we always have to be perky and fun all the time. It means we take the good with the bad and show some understanding.

My best friend is my husband. It's an understatement to say we've been through a lot. But, he loves me unconditionally. He has seen every horrible personality I have up my sleeve. He's seen every crazy emotion that I've unleashed. And, he still loves me. I know he does. And that unconditional loves encourages me and draws me closer to him. It makes me want to be a better person for him because he deserves my best.

So here's what I'm thinking, take me as I am or not at all. You can't be my friend only when things are good or if we have something mutually beneficial to offer each other. That's not the type of relationships I desire. Perhaps these friendships don't really exist or maybe my expectations are unrealistic. Maybe casual friendships are incapable of caring about each other unconditionally?

Maybe I should be blessed beyond measure that I have my husband.

On Being Neurotic and Anxious

I've had an interesting couple of days. In my opinion, I've been a little neurotic. What does that word mean anyway...I probably shouldn't have looked it up. Here you go:

Neuroticism: phychological disorder of thought or emotion; a more neutral term than mental illness (gee, that's nice).

Neurotic's relatives are axiety and hysteria...yeah, that sums up my last few days.

Curious yet?

Well, I'm going to Las Vegas this month and the Grand Canyon. I'm truly looking forward to it. But, my neurotic mind has turned to obsessing about death. Now, I can't pin it on anyone thing. I'm not afraid of flying in an airplane or getting killed by crystal meth tweakers...just dying and leaving my son without a mom.

This fear was in overload on Monday. So, I called my insurance agent to talk about my life insurance coverage...a lawyer about a will...family about plans...friends about my fears. I woke up this morning a little less "crazy" but as I left this morning to drive into work on snowy, slippery roads, I kissed my son a little more and hugged him in case I didn't make it back home. And when I did make it home, I silently thanked God and told my son that I will always love him and be with him no matter what.

Okay, if you're not a neurotic person...congratulations. But there isn't an award for it, so don't get all high and mighty. I don't expect you to understand this. But I do ask that you don't judge until you're faced with something like this. And, I'm over caring if people even do understand or care. I just cannot get out of my mind that I lost a brother this year...a young, vibrant, full-of-life, too young to die guy. So, if I freak out a little over the next year about dying, throw me a bone...or don't. I've got to get through this on my own. For those of you who have listened and offered support...well, I can't even put into words what that means to me.

So here's what I'm thinking tonight: We all have fears that make up neurotic and anxious. Some need meds (and more power to ya...I say good job for taking care of yourself), some need counseling (BRAVO), some need to drink (just don't make it a habit), some need to talk about. But whatever your fears are, talk about them. Put them on the table. Find supportive people who care. Get rid of those who mock or don't.

And, allow me this little liberty...just try to be a little nicer. Speak a little softer. Don't jump to conclusions with people. You never know what kind of day someone is having. Maybe that person just needs to hear your voice and have your friendship.

The reality of all of this is: I'm going to die. Matter-of-fact, I'm dying with each stroke of the keyboard. My skin will wrinkle, my bone mass will decrease, eventually my organs will fail. I don't know when and that's probably a good thing. But this is happening to you too. So, make the most of it baby.

I think I'll live it up in Vegas!

CJ's Take on Life's Dreams

Tonight CJ told me that people don't always get their dreams. I'm so glad he realizes this. It can save him from a little heartache. He told me this as we were watching American Idol and watched so many people say how this was "their dream."

He went on to say that his dream was to get an XBox and that came true.

Surviving Your Fire

This is dedicated to my friend, Liz.

In 1988, a total of 793,880 acres of Yellowstone National Park were destroyed by fire. It was the worst fire in the parks history. 1/3 of the park was destroyed. Most people believed this disaster was the end of the nation's first national park.

In just a few years after the fire, the grasslands returned to their pre-fire beauty. The bears were actually observed grazing more in the burned areas than the unburned areas. And, extensive research revealed that there were actually benefits of forest fires to the ecosystem.

Today, charred lodge pole pines stand as reminder of the devastation the park endured. But they stand in the midst of fresh, live seedlings and bright young trees that has God put in place in the midst of the devastation.

So, here's what I'm thinking: Everyone has a "forest fire" or two (maybe more)  in their life that causes irreparable harm. And, in the midst of it, we believe it's the end of our happiness. How can we ever be happy again? How can you smile again or laugh again? This pain is too great.

But just as research shows the benefits of a fire to the ecosystem, our personal "fires' provide benefits too. We gain wisdom and knowledge that cannot be learned any other way. We gain a deeper understanding of life. We learn humilty and feel God's grace. Just as the forest is re-born, so are we. We rise changed, but stronger, more beautiful and wiser.

Just as the charred lodge pole pines serve as a reminder, so do our scars and our broken hearts, which may never heal. It serves as a reminder of a more difficult time, not to dwell on it, but in the midst of all the present goodness.

I pray we all can allow ourselves to rise above the ashes and show our new beauty as nature demonstrates for us at Yellowstone.

CJ's Tale of a Princess and Prince

CJ wanted to "write" a story in lieu of another list. I typed his story verbatim and take no credit, good or bad :-)


What story I am telling you is a true tale. Once upon a time, an enormous princess wanted to go crazy, but she couldn't because she was too drunk.

Then the prince wanted to go in the castle but  it stunk because poop was floating around the air.

But he turned around and went to the body shop because he needed to get his body cleaned because of the poop.

The End...

On the Past

If you could go back in time would you do some thing differently?

I think our immediate response is YES!

But think of you who you are right now. It is 100% because of who you have been in the past and all the experiences that shape you. I've been thinking a lot about the choices I've made, good and bad, and trying to measure up with where I thought I'd be right now. There's a mismatch. I thought by now I'd be practicing law for at least six years and would have been living/working  in Washington, D.C.

So, my life didn't play out that way. Instead, I'm less than 20 miles from where I grew up, working in a field that wasn't ever on my radar and raising a child (a wondeful, awesome child) that I thought I'd never have (kids were never part of the dream).

So what am I supposed to do with this life and is it too late to or foolish to look back and try to ressurrect some of those dreams? I think that the dreams we have when we're young give us hope and ambition, but these same dreams can haunt us when we're older and trade hope for disappointment, failure or the inability to see what we really have.

So, here's my life: I'm in my 30s, married for 11 years, have a beautiful, witty 6 year old son. I work for a non-profit that makes the difference in the lives of girls, but has also made a difference in mine. I have a great family. A home that I never thought I'd have. Two good cars. A pantry, refrigerator and freezer stocked with food. I have an education from my dream school. My credit cards are all paid. I have great friends who truly care about me. I believe in Jesus and the hope He brings.

So, why do I overlook all of these present blessings and cling back to the past? Why does anyone do this? It's out of discontentment. If we remain discontent with what we currently have, we'll never reach a moment of satisfaction. You'll tell yourself, "If only..."  But whatever that fill-in-the-blank wish is, you'll move onto something else to be unsatisfield or unfilled with.

So, here's what I'm thinking this morning: Don't forget your past, but also find what it is that brings you the most happiness now. And, if you're unhappy now and find yourself dwelling in the past, then fix something. If you are unhappy with the road you've chosen, then take a detour and get back on the path you were meant to be on. But whatever you do, don't be apathetic and do nothing. Sure, life is overwhelming, especially when you feel you've made the wrong decision. But wrong decisions only serve to mold you for another time in your life. They make you stronger and wiser!

Random Thoughts from a Six-Year Old

These were the thoughts of my six-year old tonight when I asked him to help me write this post. They are 100% his original ideas...and I want to go on record saying that no one in our house has ever abused oxyclean...I'm not sure I've even bought it!


1. If you're drunk don't drink any more oxyclean.

2. If that guy takes a remote from your hand punch him in the nuts.

3. Don't smoke oxyclean.

4. If you do smoke oxyclean, you will go insane.

5. Here's my house, but where's the cat? He's on the rooftop, but why? He want's a drink of ice. Why did I just say that?

6. Did you know oxyclean has something that smells like cat poop?

No Thoughts To Share

My busy head runs a million miles a minute throughout the day.

I don't feel like sharing any of the thoughts. They are my secret!

Warming Up

I'm starting to feel good about just being me.

When did this happen?

I think this might be interesting for those of you who aren't use to seeing me in this fashion or those of you who have taken me for granted and kicked/pushed/bossed me around.

"I don't care what you say anymore this is MY LIFE...go ahead with your own life, leave me alone!"
-Billy Joel.

On Waiting to Pursue My Dreams

I have nothing clever...witty...great...tonight.

Writing this blog is one of the best things I've done for myself. Except, I can't be 100% honest because I know someone reading will think, "Was that about me?" "Did I do that/say that?"

But, that fact keeps me in check.

I am having trouble sitting still. I feel something stirring inside of me and I'm grabbing at every idea that comes to mind. The other evening my sister-in-law shared a personal note my brother Charlie wrote in his Bible. And I've clung to his words...just sit and wait to hear God.

So, here I am sitting...waiting...typing this blog. Feeling like I can't say what I'm really thinking.

Waiting...doesn't life feel too short to wait? What if I wait too long and miss something.

I've never been afraid to try something and fail. I've done it plenty of times. I put myself through college (okay, that was not a failure at all and I'm still cultish about my XU), but then I thought I wanted to be a Realtor. So, I put myself through Real Estate school, passed my exam and wham...was a certified Realtor. Uh, that didn't work.

I've been a student, real estate agent, substitute teacher, youth pastor, retail worker, court appointed special advocate/guardian ad litem, I don't even remember my title at Fidelity Investments, travel writer, public relations coordinator, marketing assistant, membership recruiter for the Girl Scouts.

I've loved aspects of each of these jobs. I really can't say I hated or disliked any of them. But, they just didn't satisfy the thirst for....I've got nothing.

I don't know what the thirst is for. I dream of something so big and great that I have this fear I will go my whole life and will never find it. Why is that such a big deal? Why can't I be satisfied with what I have now...it isn't bad at all!

I have a great, healthy family. A good job that I like. I like what I do and the people I work with. I have a beautiful home and feel blessed beyond measure for it. When does your yearning for more become ungratefulness?

So here's what I'm thinking tonight: What is this feeling? This feeling that I have something so much bigger in store? Is it selfishness? Is it naivete?

All your dreams can come true if you have the courage to pursue then. --Walt Disney

I just need to find out what those dreams really are!

I Don't Even Know His Name

I debated for a bit to write this. The biggest reason is that random act I did was not meant to tell anyone about. It was something private that I wanted to do from my heart. But, my thoughts around it are something I do want to share with you.

Yesterday I was driving around for work. I was on a pretty tight schedule and my eyes kept glancing from the road, to the GPS to the clock. I had to get an oil change at 6 p.m. and was heading out about 50 miles one-way from my office.

I took my turn off the highway and at the stop light stood a man in the cold carrying a cardboard sign that read, "Homeless God Bless You." I was on the phone with my mom and I said, "I wonder what to think about this guy." Well, in about 1.5 minutes I thought alot. And, I had this nagging feeling to  not think, but help, regardless of what I think.

The nagging feeling wouldn't go away. The car in front of me rolled down their window and handed the man at $1 bill...or so I think...it could have been more. So, I listened to that nagging voice and dug into my purse. I actually had cash on me, that alone is a bit of a miracle. I pulled out two bills...two $5 bills. My first reaction was, "I'm not giving him $10, good grief." But the voice said..."Just give him $10, are you so hard up, so unblessed that you can't give up $10?" I agreed. I have it to give away. That $10 may mean way more to him than it will ever to me. How many people just drive by or hand him some loose change or just $1. Maybe the $10 helped him get out of the cold sooner. Maybe it didn't.

So, as I rolled down my window he approached my car like a creature of habit. He knew and smiled at me. His face was pink from the cold and he lacked most of his teeth. But still, he smiled. I handed him the money and said, "Take care of yourself" and he said, "God bless you."

I tend to be on the naiive side, I'll admit. But I felt like I was really helping him.

It's so easy to judge inside our warm cars. I have heated seats for goodness sakes. You can see people give looks, sneers or people thinking, "get a job," or "why doesn't he just go to a homeless shelter." It's not that easy. I've always said this. And, I've always had to listen to my opponents.

When I worked downtown I was always a target for the homeless. I talked to them, one of them hugged me, which prompted the HR people looking at me out the window to freak out. One invited me to his home at the downtown YMCA. Most of them smelled of alcohol or had an obvious mental disability. And most people would never look them in the eye...Look down, don't make eye contact, you'll pass them in a minute and forget what you just saw.

I can't do that. They're people, regardless. They have a soul. You can see it in their eyes and in their smile if you dare to look. They have a name. Their mother named them as newborn children brought into this cruel, unfair and judging world.

I don't know their stories. I may not ever find out. But I feel all we can do is to give the homeless a little help and ask them their name. Look them in the eye and smile. Treat them like people.

You never know what the future holds for you. And, I hope never devastation like the homeless endure. May people always treat you with dignity and respect--regardless if you're standing on the side of the road praying for the goodwill of people, or running a company and people depending on you for your goodwill.

Twas the Night Before Work (an after vacation poem)

Twas the night before work and all through my house

Are piles of toys and laundry and a football watching spouse.

Eighteen days off!  I thought more would get done

Instead we all played, slept and relaxed a ton.

It's time for us all to go to bed so we can be rested for tomorrow

But now I'm panicked about the mess, so sleep time I must borrow.

Time off from work and school was a much needed break

But now it's at least seven hours of sleep and we all must wake.

We'll go back to school and work and to our routine

And I'm sure throughout the week I'll get this house clean.

Time spent with family is so precious and sadly rare

So I have a messy house and piled up laundry...I don't care.

On Being Defined

It's the weekend. My last weekend of vacation. I go back to my normal routine Monday morning. I thought I'd dread it, but I think I'll be just fine. I'm actually looking forward to getting some work done as I've had quite sometime (18 days in a row off work) to reflect about what I need to get accomplished this year.

I'm also in the process of soul searching and trying to find the answer to the question, "What am I supposed to do with my life?" This is a pretty common question. Books like The Purpose Driven Life were written to help people with this very question.

I've always linked my worth to what I do for a living. One of the first things you'll be asked by a new aquaintance is, "What do you do for living." And, we all want to have something awesome to tell. We are asked to give our occupation on tax forms, medical forms, surveys, and credit applications. And, who isn't more impressed with say an attorney than a cashier?

But why? What if the attorney is miserable. They are practicing law because at 24 years of age that's what they thought they wanted to do or were expected to do, but hate it and can't quit because they have $85K in student loans. What if the cashier had no desire to go to college but dedicates her time doing mission work that she feels completes her and her job gives her the flexibility to do so.

One chooses to define themselves by their occupation...the other by what they are passionate about.

In my experience, this is a struggle with employees. People have a passion and feel that if they aren't doing that professionally then they are in the wrong field. Maybe. Not sure.

What if your job is a means to live out your passion?

I do think you should generally like what you do or else you are going to be absolutely miserable at least five days a week. That doesn't do anyone any good. But your passion for life may not be something you can earn a paycheck for...and if you did you may not love it as much.

I do envy the people who say they love what they do so much for a living that they feel they shouldn't get paid for it. Mainly, I've heard this from multi-million dollar actors and singers. Ironic.

My husband is living out his passion and gets paid for it. I often times envy him. But, just last night I was talking to him about my job and said, "I don't want to be defined by my job. There are other things in my life that I want people to see about me."

I want to do a good job at work, meet my goals, encourage my team, etc. But I also want people to see me for the things I am and love. I love traveling, I love writing, I love laughing and watching movies. I want to help people, I want to be Bono (LOL), I want to go on a mission trip, I want to help get a church started in my area. All these things are the things I most passionate about but don't expect to ever get paid for.

And, I think that's the point.

So, here's what I'm thinking: A good occupation that you like helps give you a means to live out the things your are passionate about. Regardless if you're a cashier or an attorney, work to the best of your ability and make time for your highest priorities.

Pressing On

The days of 2009 had to be inspiration for a lot of good country music songs. Like everyone, I've done my share of reflecting. It's healthy and important. You can't ever forget the good or the bad really. Sure, you can repress...and end up a total mess in therapy while dishing out a lot of money because you thought forgetting would heal.

Be honest, you never forget, unless you have Alzheimer's and that's terrible. I have a great, great Uncle that I adore who is living with Alzheimer's and it's so sad what he forgets, like how I'm even connected to him. You may forget where your keys are, to pay a bill, etc. But real life, you don't forget that. And you shouldn't. No matter how painful.

Reflection is healing. And the purpose of my blog is to bring healing to me, regardless who reads it. So, here are my reflections on 2009...

January

My dear mother turned 50, despite the fact that she is what I call, "a freak of nature like Dick Clark."

She doesn't like that, but I say it with love. Everyone who sees her believes she's my sister or friend, but never my mother. I love my mother to a fault. And would do anything for her. We're connected on a level that I'm not sure is healthy, but it is what it is. I feel like she's the source of who I am. Without her tough love, her encouragement, her "opinions", I'm not sure where I'd be. Yep, there are times I dream that I can be independent from her, and I'm trying to learn what the grown-up version of that is. It's really an oxymoron. She taught me to be very independent, yet I need her to be that voice on the other end of the phone. So, to show my love and gratitude my husband and I threw her an awesome birthday bash. My house was filled to capacity of friends and family. My husband and one our friends were the bartenders, we had a beautiful photo cake, food, etc. The new year just felt great.

On January 11th, my son was baptized. Our religious tradition is Baptist. We believe that baptism is done once a person is aware that Jesus died for our sins because we're all sinners in need of forgiveness. My son actually prayed for salvation in November 2008 with my husband. He understood the symbolism of baptism and we were able to witness his decision by him being baptized by immersion. In CJ's words, "I already had Jesus in my heart," when he was baptized.

February
I can't remember much about February. I guess that's a good thing.

March
My cousin Curtie, went off to Boot Camp for National Guard. We were all very proud and scared for him.

Me, Ken and CJ also took a road trip to DC. That was crazy!

April
My dad lost his job after nearly 30 years of employment with the company. I think I took this the hardest. I just felt so, so bad. It didn't seem fair. This is the company my dad worked for when he had to miss so much of my childhood in order to support our family. Even some of my closest friends didn't think I had a dad and was shocked when he showed up for Senior Night to escort me on the field. And just like like...he's laid off without recall. All my parents hopes and dreams for the future were halted like a MAC truck slamming on the brakes on a perfectly clean road. I immediately started brainstorming, how can I help, what can I do, what will they do. I continued to do this throughout the year even though I know they wouldn't want me too. But, to me, that's what family does. We take each others burden as our own. We're there for each other in good times and bad.

Ken also lost his grandpa in April. I think it's more than safe to say that in Ken's grandpa's eyes, Ken was Ghandi. He loved Ken so much and Ken loved him so much. This was really the hardest loss Ken had ever dealt with. So much of who he is can be attributed to his grandpa. I loved him too. I got the short end of the stick with grandparents. And, Ken's grandparents have always shown me unconditional love and acceptance.

May
My son turned six. He participated in a kids marathon. My parents celebrated their 32nd wedding anniversary. My brother and sister-in-law celebrated their 13th wedding anniversary. Lots of other birthdays and anniversaries. May tends to be a crazy celebratory month, like every day is a birthday or anniversary.

June
My son graduated Kindergarten. Just like that...right before my eyes, he completed his first year of school. I feel like he was so much more advanced than I was at that age. He was reading, doing well in math. Though, he was and still is, as social as I am which often got him in a bit of trouble.

Me, Ken and our friends Chris and Jessie spent a weekend in Nashville. I treasure those memories!

July-August-September
The summer months! CJ (my son) started football which dictated my life through November. He hated it. Begged to not go to practice. The little guys were blessed with a mild summer, but six hours of practice a week and games on the weekends proved to be exhausting. Toward the end, he really started to get into it. And, his team was undefeated in their division. We all made some great new friends who later were there for me during the worst time of my life.

Also, these months were spent with our friends at dinners at Cheeseburger in Paradise (bike nights, etc.) at a Kid Rock concert (ahhhh) and just hanging out and having a good time.

October
Normally, October 1st begins Halloween-mania. The whole month is about Halloween. We started out that way. I was at a work meeting the evening of Oct. 5th when I received a phone call that I first ignored. I think it was from my mom. I only had a few more minutes left of the meeting and I would call her as soon as I got in my car. But then a call came from my husband..and then a text. My oldest brother Charlie was admitted into ICU. I was very concerned, but had confidence that he was in good hands and knew my sister-in-law, Angie would take care of him. It wasn't until a few days later when we had a good scare that I realized that Charlie was really, really sick.

Charlie was diagnosed with ARDS, a very serious, very fatal lung condition. But I just knew he'd pull out of it. He was athletic, in great shape and totally stubborn. If anyone would pull through this, he would. The weeks following proved differently. It was just one crisis after another. The whole month changed my life. I suddenly became less involved with my agenda. I wanted to be there for Charlie, even if he had no idea I was there. I wanted to be there for Angie, because I love her so much, even if she didn't realize it (which I think she does). I wanted to be there for my mom and dad.

The Halloween celebrations seemed so silly and stupid. A holiday that my son and I share a total love for. And, at that time in my life, it was. Nothing and I mean nothing, was as important as the hope for Charlie to recover.

On Halloween, we woke up early for CJ's football game. The wind sounded so eerie. I said to CJ, "Listen to the spooky wind...it's Halloween!" trying to muster some festivity. We went to the game, I cried and laughed with the football parents who had been so emotional available to me over the month. As we celebrated our win, my in-laws asked if I had heard any news about Charlie. He had a very serious surgery two days before. I said I hadn't, but that no news is good news. And as soon as the words left my mouth, my phone rang. The caller ID showed TriHealth. My heart stopped momentarily. I knew before I answered. My precious sister-in-law said, "Hey Christina, I don't know where you are right now, but I wanted to let you know that Charlie is going to be taken off of everything and they said it would be a couple of hours." Now, I don't know if you've ever received a call like this. I have only one other time. Oddly enough, from Charlie about our grandmother. But I cared for Charlie much more. Your world stops. Picture this. Everything around you mutes. You look around and people are laughing, kidding around, kids playing, celebrations and your world starts crumbling. Everything you've hoped and prayed for is disappearing. This happens in about 1.5 seconds. I don't know how else to describe it.

My in-laws took CJ and Ken and I head to the hospital. We were too late. Charlie passed away nine minutes after the took him off life support. I received the phone call from my mom as we're were still on the highway. The walk from the parking lot into the hospital, down the long winding halls, into the waiting room, down the long hall through the double-doors into ICU was the most painful experience in my life. I couldn't breath. Literally. My chest felt like I was being crushed by a heavy stone. I have no idea how I even walked because I forgot how. I couldn't think of anything and that's odd for me. My mind was blank...empty. As I walked through the double doors into ICU a crying nurse met me and held my hand and we entered Charlie's room. His somber, so eerily quiet room. No more beeping, no more aspirating sounds from that damn ventilator. Peace.

I walked over and rubbed his swollen hand and arm. He was still warm, but gone. Gone. My oldest brother is gone at 37 years old. What the fuck? Yeah, I said it. I'm not going to even abbreviate it because you know what it means anyway.

November
Trips to the funeral home, assisting with funeral plans, talking about caskets, vaults, grave sites. Uh, is this really happening? Isn't it weird that we all know we're going to die, but when it happens to a loved one we feel so violated and cheated. This whole month began my rebellion against God. Thoughts I've never had before entered my mind, like "how do I even know this whole heaven/hell thing is real," "What if I've been fooled/brainwashed," etc. I call these dangerous thoughts. However, God allowed me to throw my fits just like I do when my six year old thinks I'm so unfair. The rest of the month was all about anger, sadness, guilt, confusion. And to some extent, I'm still dealing with these emotions though they aren't as raw.

December

December became the month that I began to force some healing and perspective. And to present, that's still happening.

I celebrated my 11th wedding anniversary. How thankful I am for Ken. And how little I show him how much I appreciate him. I think about this much deeply now. It seems that all of our married life, we've scraped by. So, I wanted to do something special and treated him to a very nice dinner at the Precinct. He loved it! Mission accomplished!

My dad celebrated his 56th birthday. Now, if we could get him to quit smoking so I can have him around a little longer.

And, we celebrated the new year with close friends! They have been the silver lining in a horrible year. They've allowed me to cry and have cried with me, taken me out when I needed to get away, made me laugh and just been real. I characteristic I admire above all!

So, goodbye 2009! Hello 2010. After reflecting I'm not sure I want to know what the future holds. The lesson is to make the most of each day and live with no regrets. Because there's plenty of pain in store for all of us, but also plenty of good times too!

"Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 3:13-14