Reflections on My Wedding Vows

"I Christina, take you Ken, to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward, until death do us part."

Or something like that...it was close.

So fast forward to present day. I was 21 years old when I said those legally and spiritually binding words. In my last post, I wanted to give you a glimpse of the eros type of love I had for Ken then. I literally felt like everything would be perfect once we were married. And no one could tell me any different. I didn't think we'd fight over if the cups were supposed to go up or down in the cabinet, neither of us being able to cut the apron strings from our families, money, job stress, illness, etc. Yeah, yeah, we made those vows and promised a few things, but how easily forgotten sometimes!

We live in a day and age where the spoken word has very little meaning. I'm not sure I've ever witnessed a persons word ever being good enough. Sad to say, but the world I've lived in has required me to sign on a dotted line and if I don't make good on that promise, I can be sued.

Anyway, I wanted to break down these traditional vows in a way to show what it means to make a marriage promise. This is coming from my American, Christian tradition as I know there are as many variations throughout time of what marriage means to a culture.

• I Christina, take you Ken, to be my husband: I stated that I chose Ken to be my husband. He was the choice for me and therefore the only choice for my lifetime. This wasn't to be until the eros love faded, or until I couldn't feel the butterflies anymore. It's been over a decade now and I don't get butterflies in my stomach like I did before marriage, but this doesn't mean that we shouldn't be together or that he wasn't the right one. It means that our relationship is more real. I've seen all that comes with being married to him, the good and bad and yet, I've promised to take him and only him.

• To have and to hold from this day forward: I think there are a few ways of looking at this line. At the core, I think it refers to "legally possessing." Meaning, Ken is legally my husband from today onward. Doesn't sound very romantic does it, but that's what it means.

• For better or for worse: This is the part of the wedding vows most people enter into very naively. Selective hearing. We're in love, what could possibly happen. Everything will be for the better...until tempers flair, disagreements over family, finances, long hours worked, house repairs, car maintenance, emergency carpet repair because your pet destroyed it and so on. It's in these for worse times that people want to throw in the towel. It's just too hard, things are suppose to be for the better, we love each other. I say, get over this "we're supposed to be in love" thing. Yes, you are supposed to be in love, but that doesn't mean life won't happen and it's in these times that your life is happening. It's your history in the making. Not a Disney fairytale. I'm speaking from experience by the way.

• For richer, for poorer: I almost wish the vows were spoken in reverse...for poorer, for richer. If you can forge an appreciation, admiration and genuine care for one another in the poor times, then money won't be such a goal. I've been guilty thinking, "When we get this or that paid off, then we'll be so much better off." But will we? Just recently, Tiger Woods, with all the money in the world, threw whatever vows he made to his wife in the garbage. How many times has Donald Trump been married? Wealth doesn't make you happy. But regardless if me and Ken are poor or rich, I've promised to love him.

• In sickness and in health: We've had both. And the sickness time is trying, though we've been blessed with our health. Here recently, I've thought about what this really means. Sickness outside of the marriage bonds affects your relationship too. Ailing parents, grandparents, kids, etc. This past October my older brother was admitted into ICU with double pneumonia. His sickness took a toll on me and Ken stood patiently by my side. When I came home at night I would be exhausted because my brother had been on my mind all day. Ken was patient and understanding. He gave me my space. After my brother died, I needed even more space. And never once did Ken throw it in my face that I wasn't there for his needs. He was there for me...a lesson I need to learn for him. I think I would have been way more selfish than he was. But I promised him I'd be there for him. I will not leave his side if he gets ill and I'll make sure he has the best care possible if I can't give it. But, I need to be there for him more in the healthy times too!

• To love and to cherish: Here's that love word again. I don't mean that sarcastically. But rather, I'm trying to stress that the feelings of your heart and mind don't always constitute the love I believe God wants for marriage. I believe that God wants our marriages to contain agape love, translated to mean charity or a living kind of of caring love for someone. This means that you do and care for your spouse as much as you care for yourself. It is a Godly love. It is the same kind of love that God showed on us when He gave Jesus to us. Interesting, it has nothing to do with lust, sexual appeal or performance, butterflies, fireworks, diamond anniversary rings, expensive gifts. It's a selfLESS love. Yep, I need to work on this! On a more physical note, we are to physically love one another in marriage too! But I think people get more hung up on this and forget that agape love. (After all, women don't look at Brad Pitt and say, "I want to care for him as much as I do myself.")

• From this day forward, until death do us part: There's no small print here or reading between the lines. When I said those words, I promised my husband from that moment until I die I will live up to the vows I made him. Having just experienced the death of a loved one at such a young age, I've thought a lot about this. My brother loved my sister-in-law. I hope she finds peace eventually in knowing that. And she kept her promsie too. To the end, she kept every single one of her vows as if she just made them the day before. And, I believe that kind of love is eternal and never dies. Our bodies will go away from this world. But the promise of love we make before God is everlasting.

I think at 21 years old I didn't realize the HUGE eternal/spiritual responsibility I was making. My ability to love and to show love is a commandment of marriage. And I promise to do that with every breath I take...even if I don't feel it because my husband left a pile of clothes on the living room floor (and I scream the 100th time that our living room isn't a clothes hamper).

So, it's been 11 years. We're still young. We have a young family. However long we're granted together, there will be pain, heartache, disappointment to come our way that is completely out of our control. But, we can control the good times, the kindness we extend to one another, the selflessness.

These are just my ramblings to remind myself what I've gotten myself into. Hope they help you out a little.