Good Grief

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's just one thing after the other. I tried the positive outlook thing this morning. I said to several different people that today was going to be a good day hoping for a good self-fulfilling prophecy. And, it didn't really work.

It seems the harder some people try the harder they fall. I have about one more ability to deal with stress left in me. After that, I'm pretty sure who ever brings the next "crisis" upon me better get the hell out of my way. (Okay, what that really means is that I don't have the emotional fortitude to care about it...I'm tapped out.)

I'm pissed tonight. So, let me just get it all out. And if you're reading this and you get offended...I actually don't care. Just don't read it anymore.

I'm an adult. Have been for 14 years now. I'm tired of feeling like I'm a child that gets in trouble. I'm also TIRED (understatement) of being on the receiving end of people not hesitating to tell me that they're mad at me. Guess what? Maybe I've been mad at you a gazillion times but have dealt with it and kept it to myself for the sake of peace.

Peace...what a concept! That brings me to my next thought. However, I'm going to talk about that in my next blog. But the idea came to me while watching television tonight.

A Charlie Brown Christmas was on tonight. Always my favorite. And despite the shitty mood I'm in, I still got a little emotional. I identify with Charlie Brown. He's such a good hearted guy and just wants to be accepted. Yet, his crappy "friends" take a stab at him whenever the can. And, on this particular Christmas, Charlie Brown had some issues and was struggling with the whole Christmas season. I totally prefer Halloween to Christmas because Halloween seems a little more authentic year after year. Christmas...what a joke. So, here's some favorite quotes from the movie and my commentary on them.

Charlie Brown: "I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. Christmas is coming, but I'm not happy. I don't feel the way I'm supposed to feel. I just don't understand Christmas, I guess. I like getting presents and sending Christmas cards and decorating trees and all that, but I'm still not happy. I always end up feeling depressed."

I'm with ya Charlie. Not giving into all the commercialism makes you stick out like a sore thumb among those who think living in the malls and stores is what makes you happy. I try to conform with the decorations, cards, baking, etc. but I'm not happy either. And you're right, this just leaves you feeling depressed. Like something is wired wrong because Christmasy goodness doesn't seep out your ass. Ugh.

Charlie Brown: I guess you were right, Linus. I shouldn't have picked this little tree. Everything I do turns into a disaster. I guess I really don't know what Christmas is all about. [shouting in desperation] Isn't there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?

It does seem for me that no matter how well intentioned I am, it's taken the wrong way. People don't stop to reflect and listen. My experience in the last couple of months is that people don't listen at all! Before the words barely leave your mouth, someone is running theirs. Last year I had a situation where I truly tried to communicate my feelings and thoughts about an issue. This ended badly. So much for open communication. It led to me being told in so many words that I was ungrateful and rude. Hmmm....maybe I can be rude at times and be honest, aren't you? But ungrateful. Ouch! That hit below the belt. I'm hardly ungrateful. My attempt to bring about a healthy two-way conversation turned into a disaster.

Charlie Brown: Rats. Nobody sent me a Christmas card today. I almost wish there weren't a holiday season. I know nobody likes me. Why do we have to have a holiday season to emphasize it?

This year I'm with ya. I wish there weren't a holiday season...except St. Patrick's Day :-)

Good grief!