On the Holidays

The holiday season can be quite painful for those who are struggling in life, regardless of your beliefs.

I live in a media-centered world. My head has always been in the clouds. I'm a dreamer. But this lends to major disappointment most of the time. No one can live up to the grand dream I have in my head--my expectations are just too grand. Though, I can't help but think that life could be like that. But then, I have to remind myself that I cannot control the response of others.

So, what are you supposed to do this time of year when you feel...shitty? I walk through the mall and I see people angry, stressed, kids crying, parents frustrated, rude sales clerks, near wrecks in the parking lots and this is supposed to be "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year?"

I'm over the Christmas commercials, movies and music. My family isn't the same depicted in the Hallmark commercials I used to cry at. Now I just scoff at them and think, "Now that's just ridiculous." I'll never find myself in a cabin in the woods during a thunderstorm and hide into the arms of my brave husband who then pulls out a diamond ring for me (thanks Kay Jewelers). Santa isn't going to fix my families problems and give us our dreams (thanks Miracle on 34th Street). And, I'm definitely not dreaming of a white Christmas. It will just make the roads terrible to drive on.

Yeah, I'm becoming cynical and hard. Not really me at all. But I'm sick and tired of trying to see everything and everyone through rose colored glasses. I'm tired of believing that people do have my best interest in mind. I'm tired of believing that the best is yet to come. I'm tired of...believing.

So, this holiday season, I'm gonna give up those dreams, expectations and hope. Instead, I'm going to take control over my happiness which means it cannot be dependent on outside influences (people or events).

You know, I'm just pissed off tonight. And, damn it, I have a right to be. I'm angry, bitter, tired, jealous, irritated, annoyed, scared, sad, frustrated, and confused.

So here's what I'm thinking tonight: Mr. Grinch got a bad rep from all those stupid, wide-eyed and bushy-tailed innocent Whos. Did anyone hurt in Whoville? Did they experience death, dysfunction, baggage from relationships? It seems they didn't. But, the Grinch, who had experienced something devastating had to run away to a cave to escape the nonsense. And all the Whos were fine with that. They didn't want him to drag their perfect world down. They just LOVED Christmas and he wasn't feeling it.

So, call me the Grinch for now. I'm okay with that. But don't worry, I don't have the time, energy or desire to steal your gifts, trees or decorations :-)