On Being Misunderstood

I am a misunderstood person. Wait, maybe it's not that I am misunderstood but rather people have already made assumptions and think they know. Maybe that's the same as being misunderstood. Either way, it's frustrating to be judged so harshly when you know the judge doesn't actually know where you're coming from.

Honestly, I try too hard. I'm an over-achiever by nature. Just being average has never been good enough. And ironically, I'm just average. So, that leaves me pretty frustrated most of the time. And I am below average in interpersonal communications though I understand it all perfectly in theory. That's right, give me a test on it and I'll ace it and even be able to teach you a thing or two...but, actually making this apply in a real life setting is difficult for me and I usually flop big time.

So why I am so misunderstood and why do I think that? Well, for one, when someone tells you often what you are thinking and it's not true...you're misunderstood. For example, you've had a long few days and are worn out and tired ( comes through in your tone). But the other person interprets it to mean that you don't want to make time for them. Well, not entirely true. Maybe I just have a lot on my mind and oh, I'M TIRED. It doesn't always have to be that I am thinking the worst or being selfish. Perhaps I wasn't thinking at all and you know what, that's okay. Why do I always have to be on?

The saying I hate the most is "It's not what you say it's how you say it." Well, the person saying this has some responsibility too. Basically, the person saying this to another feels they have a green light to be upset with you without taking the time to understand why you said what you said. I will be the first to admit...I can take a nasty tone, but true enough, that doesn't always mean that I am trying to be nasty...does that make any sense?

I'm human. I get frustrated, tired, irritated, PMS, aches, worries, anxiety, confusion, etc. All these emotions!!! I'm sorry, but I can't just turn them off like a light switch before I speak.

I watched the 1938 version of Pygmalion last night. Professor Higgins thought he had the key to how people are to speak and to act in society. Of course, Eliza doesn't even come close to his ideal. So, he agrees to give her lessons to teach her to speak properly and to have the ability to mesh with society. However, he's mean, often cruel and too proud to acknowledge that he could learn a thing or two about himself. My point is that by judging people through your own lens makes you less aware of your faults. I've been guilty of this myself and it's something I'm intentionally working on. I guess the best way to learn this first hand is to be sitting in the other seat.

So here's what I'm thinking tonight: I'm on my own journey on this planet. The people in my life are part of the journey. But I'm me...the good and the bad. I'm tired of trying so hard. I'm tired of feeling manipulated, guilted and insulted. I'm sorry if my tone is harsh. I just wish people tried a little harder to understand me. It seems that so many people in my life have very little difficulty telling me off, pointing out my flaws or telling me how I upset them. I'm trying to listen to professional communication advice and just ZIP IT, but sometimes it's so dang hard when you feel like you're pinned against a wall.

So for all you people out there that think you know me...listen up:

Picture me standing on top of a mountain. It's a sunny morning. Fog is around. The grass is green and there are wildflowers in bloom. You can smell the sweet smell of honeysuckles. I've made this climb early because it's important that I do this. No one is around yet I want everyone to listen. I close my eyes and lean my head back so the sun can kiss my cheeks. I'm smiling because of what I'm feeling inside. I yell this out into the great wide open below:

I'm free. I'm me and comfortable with that. I will start living my life my despite what you think I should be doing or how I should live it. This is my only shot at life...you have your own. I want for you what you want for yourself (whatever that may be). I want for me what I want for myself...freedom from guilt, oppression, preconceived ideals, expectations. Your life is made up from your past and experiences. Mine is different and both are good! Please, just love me...period. I don't expect anything in return but you allowing me to just be me. And if I accidentally offend you, think before you tear into me. Because I may not have meant it that way. I'm tired of defending myself. I'm tired of standing before the judge and jury. I'm ready to live!

Okay...that was probably corny but I have to say, I feel better just having typed out my feelings. You know, why does everything have to be such a big deal? Sometimes just taking some breaths and trying to figure out the rationale of the situation is so therapeutic.

In closing, if I've pissed you off recently...I didn't mean too. In complete honesty, I'm not really angry or mad at anyone for anything. That's what's so perplexing to me. I'm not angry. Yet people are angry at me??? I don't know, maybe there is a self-help group for "bitches with tones that are in denial or unaware of how they make everyone angry with how they say things."