On Being Fake

I also had this thought on my mind tonight:

If you're a person that is fake and feels like you need to keep up with the Joneses, please stop it. It's annoying and you aren't fooling anybody. Everyone knows what you're doing. No body has a life without imperfections. You aren't some freak of nature or God's favorite, even if we were the teacher's pet.

So, do me a favor, just be you. It's okay to show people that you don't have your shit together every once in awhile. People might actually like you more if you were real.

Okay, that's it.

Goodnight!

A New Beginning

I struggle to even reminisce about this past year...the typical thing to do this year. Every tabloid and celebrity magazine has a year in review, the History Channel is bound to a start airing stuff, Barbara Walters, etc.

I just want 2009 to be over.

What is it about the new year that excites us? Why do people party hard and then spend the next day hungover? We all scream "10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...Happy New Year!" followed by bad renditions of Auld Lang Syne.

I think the new year offers us a chance to start over, to do things better than last year. We all feel like a failure in some aspect of our life. And a new beginning in sweeter than a good bottle of wine.

Last year I typed out my resolutions and pretty much kept them to myself. Why tell our resolutions. They're private and personal. I looked at them throughout the year to check my progress. I didn't do them all (there were five), but I am able to see the progress I made in those areas.

I have resolutions for this year. I'm going to keep them private too. But mostly, I just want a better year. A year without personal tragedy. I know, this is too much to ask as we're all faced with it, there's no reason why I should be exempt.

What I'm learning is how to control my response to difficult situations and I'm also learning to live. What I mean by that is to have a vision for my life and stay true to that...not the vision I think people want me to have.

So, tonight, I just want to wish you all the best for the New Year...2010. May it bring peace (in your family life, personal life, work life, end of war). May it bring prosperity (a rebounding economy, a raise, win the lottery, hit it big in Vegas, LOL). May it bring love (from your partner, your family, yourself). May it bring joy (in new and old friends, the laugh of a child, the sparkle in a loved ones eyes). May be bring health (to you and your loved ones).

Have I mentioned before that I'm a dreamer? I think I have. I dream of what this year holds. I see goodness, greatness, happiness ahead. I feel this because I feel I have the power to make this happen. I feel you have the power to make it happen too. You control more of your destiny than you think possible.

So, in 2010...just do it! Don't say, "I want," "I think," "someday." Do it!!!! Make it a reality. Go after your dreams and if there is a roadblock, figure out how to move it!

Look, you can't have it all, so I'm not saying that. I guess what I'm saying is prioritize what's important in your life and concentrate on that. What are your highest priorities that are going to give you the most return? Once you know that, everything else will fall into place as long as you have a plan.

I'm babbling now. So, I'm going to sign-off and do some more reading (a favorite vacation past-time). So, Happy New Year to year and welcome 2010!

On Being Misunderstood

I am a misunderstood person. Wait, maybe it's not that I am misunderstood but rather people have already made assumptions and think they know. Maybe that's the same as being misunderstood. Either way, it's frustrating to be judged so harshly when you know the judge doesn't actually know where you're coming from.

Honestly, I try too hard. I'm an over-achiever by nature. Just being average has never been good enough. And ironically, I'm just average. So, that leaves me pretty frustrated most of the time. And I am below average in interpersonal communications though I understand it all perfectly in theory. That's right, give me a test on it and I'll ace it and even be able to teach you a thing or two...but, actually making this apply in a real life setting is difficult for me and I usually flop big time.

So why I am so misunderstood and why do I think that? Well, for one, when someone tells you often what you are thinking and it's not true...you're misunderstood. For example, you've had a long few days and are worn out and tired ( comes through in your tone). But the other person interprets it to mean that you don't want to make time for them. Well, not entirely true. Maybe I just have a lot on my mind and oh, I'M TIRED. It doesn't always have to be that I am thinking the worst or being selfish. Perhaps I wasn't thinking at all and you know what, that's okay. Why do I always have to be on?

The saying I hate the most is "It's not what you say it's how you say it." Well, the person saying this has some responsibility too. Basically, the person saying this to another feels they have a green light to be upset with you without taking the time to understand why you said what you said. I will be the first to admit...I can take a nasty tone, but true enough, that doesn't always mean that I am trying to be nasty...does that make any sense?

I'm human. I get frustrated, tired, irritated, PMS, aches, worries, anxiety, confusion, etc. All these emotions!!! I'm sorry, but I can't just turn them off like a light switch before I speak.

I watched the 1938 version of Pygmalion last night. Professor Higgins thought he had the key to how people are to speak and to act in society. Of course, Eliza doesn't even come close to his ideal. So, he agrees to give her lessons to teach her to speak properly and to have the ability to mesh with society. However, he's mean, often cruel and too proud to acknowledge that he could learn a thing or two about himself. My point is that by judging people through your own lens makes you less aware of your faults. I've been guilty of this myself and it's something I'm intentionally working on. I guess the best way to learn this first hand is to be sitting in the other seat.

So here's what I'm thinking tonight: I'm on my own journey on this planet. The people in my life are part of the journey. But I'm me...the good and the bad. I'm tired of trying so hard. I'm tired of feeling manipulated, guilted and insulted. I'm sorry if my tone is harsh. I just wish people tried a little harder to understand me. It seems that so many people in my life have very little difficulty telling me off, pointing out my flaws or telling me how I upset them. I'm trying to listen to professional communication advice and just ZIP IT, but sometimes it's so dang hard when you feel like you're pinned against a wall.

So for all you people out there that think you know me...listen up:

Picture me standing on top of a mountain. It's a sunny morning. Fog is around. The grass is green and there are wildflowers in bloom. You can smell the sweet smell of honeysuckles. I've made this climb early because it's important that I do this. No one is around yet I want everyone to listen. I close my eyes and lean my head back so the sun can kiss my cheeks. I'm smiling because of what I'm feeling inside. I yell this out into the great wide open below:

I'm free. I'm me and comfortable with that. I will start living my life my despite what you think I should be doing or how I should live it. This is my only shot at life...you have your own. I want for you what you want for yourself (whatever that may be). I want for me what I want for myself...freedom from guilt, oppression, preconceived ideals, expectations. Your life is made up from your past and experiences. Mine is different and both are good! Please, just love me...period. I don't expect anything in return but you allowing me to just be me. And if I accidentally offend you, think before you tear into me. Because I may not have meant it that way. I'm tired of defending myself. I'm tired of standing before the judge and jury. I'm ready to live!

Okay...that was probably corny but I have to say, I feel better just having typed out my feelings. You know, why does everything have to be such a big deal? Sometimes just taking some breaths and trying to figure out the rationale of the situation is so therapeutic.

In closing, if I've pissed you off recently...I didn't mean too. In complete honesty, I'm not really angry or mad at anyone for anything. That's what's so perplexing to me. I'm not angry. Yet people are angry at me??? I don't know, maybe there is a self-help group for "bitches with tones that are in denial or unaware of how they make everyone angry with how they say things."

Reflections on My Wedding Vows

"I Christina, take you Ken, to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward, until death do us part."

Or something like that...it was close.

So fast forward to present day. I was 21 years old when I said those legally and spiritually binding words. In my last post, I wanted to give you a glimpse of the eros type of love I had for Ken then. I literally felt like everything would be perfect once we were married. And no one could tell me any different. I didn't think we'd fight over if the cups were supposed to go up or down in the cabinet, neither of us being able to cut the apron strings from our families, money, job stress, illness, etc. Yeah, yeah, we made those vows and promised a few things, but how easily forgotten sometimes!

We live in a day and age where the spoken word has very little meaning. I'm not sure I've ever witnessed a persons word ever being good enough. Sad to say, but the world I've lived in has required me to sign on a dotted line and if I don't make good on that promise, I can be sued.

Anyway, I wanted to break down these traditional vows in a way to show what it means to make a marriage promise. This is coming from my American, Christian tradition as I know there are as many variations throughout time of what marriage means to a culture.

• I Christina, take you Ken, to be my husband: I stated that I chose Ken to be my husband. He was the choice for me and therefore the only choice for my lifetime. This wasn't to be until the eros love faded, or until I couldn't feel the butterflies anymore. It's been over a decade now and I don't get butterflies in my stomach like I did before marriage, but this doesn't mean that we shouldn't be together or that he wasn't the right one. It means that our relationship is more real. I've seen all that comes with being married to him, the good and bad and yet, I've promised to take him and only him.

• To have and to hold from this day forward: I think there are a few ways of looking at this line. At the core, I think it refers to "legally possessing." Meaning, Ken is legally my husband from today onward. Doesn't sound very romantic does it, but that's what it means.

• For better or for worse: This is the part of the wedding vows most people enter into very naively. Selective hearing. We're in love, what could possibly happen. Everything will be for the better...until tempers flair, disagreements over family, finances, long hours worked, house repairs, car maintenance, emergency carpet repair because your pet destroyed it and so on. It's in these for worse times that people want to throw in the towel. It's just too hard, things are suppose to be for the better, we love each other. I say, get over this "we're supposed to be in love" thing. Yes, you are supposed to be in love, but that doesn't mean life won't happen and it's in these times that your life is happening. It's your history in the making. Not a Disney fairytale. I'm speaking from experience by the way.

• For richer, for poorer: I almost wish the vows were spoken in reverse...for poorer, for richer. If you can forge an appreciation, admiration and genuine care for one another in the poor times, then money won't be such a goal. I've been guilty thinking, "When we get this or that paid off, then we'll be so much better off." But will we? Just recently, Tiger Woods, with all the money in the world, threw whatever vows he made to his wife in the garbage. How many times has Donald Trump been married? Wealth doesn't make you happy. But regardless if me and Ken are poor or rich, I've promised to love him.

• In sickness and in health: We've had both. And the sickness time is trying, though we've been blessed with our health. Here recently, I've thought about what this really means. Sickness outside of the marriage bonds affects your relationship too. Ailing parents, grandparents, kids, etc. This past October my older brother was admitted into ICU with double pneumonia. His sickness took a toll on me and Ken stood patiently by my side. When I came home at night I would be exhausted because my brother had been on my mind all day. Ken was patient and understanding. He gave me my space. After my brother died, I needed even more space. And never once did Ken throw it in my face that I wasn't there for his needs. He was there for me...a lesson I need to learn for him. I think I would have been way more selfish than he was. But I promised him I'd be there for him. I will not leave his side if he gets ill and I'll make sure he has the best care possible if I can't give it. But, I need to be there for him more in the healthy times too!

• To love and to cherish: Here's that love word again. I don't mean that sarcastically. But rather, I'm trying to stress that the feelings of your heart and mind don't always constitute the love I believe God wants for marriage. I believe that God wants our marriages to contain agape love, translated to mean charity or a living kind of of caring love for someone. This means that you do and care for your spouse as much as you care for yourself. It is a Godly love. It is the same kind of love that God showed on us when He gave Jesus to us. Interesting, it has nothing to do with lust, sexual appeal or performance, butterflies, fireworks, diamond anniversary rings, expensive gifts. It's a selfLESS love. Yep, I need to work on this! On a more physical note, we are to physically love one another in marriage too! But I think people get more hung up on this and forget that agape love. (After all, women don't look at Brad Pitt and say, "I want to care for him as much as I do myself.")

• From this day forward, until death do us part: There's no small print here or reading between the lines. When I said those words, I promised my husband from that moment until I die I will live up to the vows I made him. Having just experienced the death of a loved one at such a young age, I've thought a lot about this. My brother loved my sister-in-law. I hope she finds peace eventually in knowing that. And she kept her promsie too. To the end, she kept every single one of her vows as if she just made them the day before. And, I believe that kind of love is eternal and never dies. Our bodies will go away from this world. But the promise of love we make before God is everlasting.

I think at 21 years old I didn't realize the HUGE eternal/spiritual responsibility I was making. My ability to love and to show love is a commandment of marriage. And I promise to do that with every breath I take...even if I don't feel it because my husband left a pile of clothes on the living room floor (and I scream the 100th time that our living room isn't a clothes hamper).

So, it's been 11 years. We're still young. We have a young family. However long we're granted together, there will be pain, heartache, disappointment to come our way that is completely out of our control. But, we can control the good times, the kindness we extend to one another, the selflessness.

These are just my ramblings to remind myself what I've gotten myself into. Hope they help you out a little.

Reflections From an 11 Year Old Marriage-Part 1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Tdt4g3-qSU&feature=related


December 19, 2009 marked my 11 year wedding anniversary. I surprised my husband with a very nice, very expensive, steak dinner...because food is truly the key to his heart.

On our way home I heard this oldie by the Beach Boys, Wouldn't It Be Nice.

I smiled because this is the best way I think I could explain how I felt over 11 years ago and why we got married so young. I really, truly felt this way...and even though I lose sight through all the crap that's happened to us over 11 years, which I'm going to post separately, I still feel this way.

Wouldn't It Be Nice

Wouldn't it be nice if we were older

Then we wouldn't have to wait so long

And wouldn't it be nice to live together

In the kind of world where we belong

You know its gonna make it that much better

When we can say goodnight and stay together

Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up

In the morning when the day is new

And after having spent the day together

Hold each other close the whole night through

Happy times together we've been spending

I wish that every kiss was never ending

Wouldn't it be nice

Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true

Baby then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do

We could be married

And then we'd be happy

Wouldn't it be nice

You know it seems the more we talk about it

It only makes it worse to live without it

But let's talk about it

Wouldn't it be nice

And, I found this youtube video with the song AND clips from Disney fairy tales!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Tdt4g3-qSU&feature=related

How my family rolls with holiday celebrations

11:30 a.m. Ken and I decide while CJ is at school that we're going to do something fun tonight.

2:30 p.m. Ken gets called into work (so much for vacation).

3:15 p.m. Ken comes back home and CJ gets off the bus.

5 p.m. Frantically pick up the house because the inlaws stop by to drop off a card

5:15 p.m. Piddle around (mostly me) watching tv.

5:30 p.m. Finally get out the door and into the garage.

5:32 p.m. Ken and CJ begin fighting and I get out of the car.

5:33 p.m. CJ runs upstairs crying

5:40 p.m. I decide that I would like to actually do something fun for Christmas

5:45 p.m. Log onto the computer and write this blog

5:48 p.m. Ken ask if we're going, CJ points out that Ken started the fight.

5:50 p.m. I decide that we're going and make the announcement for everyone to get ready.

6 p.m. My goal is to be out the door and on our way to celebrate the holidays.

Merry Christmas?

Lessons from CJ

Tonight as we were driving to get dinner, my son starting spouting off life lessons he's learned. I pulled out my handy notepad and began to write these down verbatim. I don't think it would hurt if we lived by these. So, here are CJ's seven lessons followed by my commentary:

1. Never kick people in the nuts. I will argue that there may times this is necessary.
2. Never steal somebody's phone. At six years old, I don't know why this became a lesson for him. He does not have his own phone. But, still good advice.
3. Never, EVER, in your whole life (his words exactly) poke somebody's eye out. Again, I have no idea where he's learned this. I guess the playground can be brutal these days.
4. Never be a jerk. Well said, CJ...well said!
5. If you are jerk, hit yourself with a rock. WTF? Where does he come up with this stuff?
6. If you are a jerk, investigate your dad's car. He totally lost me here. He knows what this means but I have no freaking idea.
7. If you're hungry, never eat at Frisch's. This was news to me, but now I'm starting to wonder why I shouldn't eat there if I'm hungry. Is the service slow? Are the portions too small? Is the food not fulfilling?

This just in...I had a great day without conflict, sadness, crap, etc!

Sunday was a good day. Saturday was a good night. That's about as long as the streak has been for quite some time.

I'm trying to learn to embrace these days and not feel guilty over having them. There so much sadness in my family and I feel for each and everyone of them because I love them deeply. But having good days will only enable me to hopefully assist in them having some good days too.

I cried a lot Sunday, but not because of sadness (okay, that's not entirely true) but because I haven't lost my faith or feelings of hope, peace and a brighter future.

I attended Mason Vineyard again today. This was my brother Charlie's professional climax before getting sick. Today was the first service that he hadn't planned and the church had to move on in a non-conventional way. From the moment I walked into the sanctuary, I started to cry. The Christmas decorations were beautiful and the music was heavenly. I really felt peace. At one point, I felt like I felt Charlie. Now, I don't know how this spiritual stuff works in the end. Is that even possible or am I wanting it too bad? Regardless, whatever I felt, felt good!

The sermon contained several "aha" moments and confirmed a few things that I've been feeling and thinking for some time. God hasn't dumped me! As the children's song goes, "he's still working on me, to make me what I ought to be."

The church planted a tree in memory of Charlie today. I like that idea. A living memorial. A reminder of him and his ministry. Also a reminder that to everything there is a season.

The service was good...family good...peace of mind good...All I can say is, "Thank you Lord for a little rest."

Sunday was also my son's football banquet. Now, he's not the MVP or best player, but that little guy gave it his all. The coach didn't compliment his athletic abilities or star qualities like some of the other players, but he did say, "This little guy has a great smile. How can you not smile when you see him?"

Now, you can't teach someone how to shine from the inside out. And for that, I'm most proud of him. And his trophy is proudly displayed on my mantle.

AND...My Xavier Musketeers won the Crosstown Shootout against University of Cincinnati!

Really, this was the BEST day I've had since Oct. 5th of this year (the day my brother went into ICU).

Thank you Father God, creator of the universe, for having mercy on me and giving me some peace and rest!

Advice Needed on Shedding Guilt

I'm a guilt magnet. I think I could be made to do just about anything if someone could figure out how to manipulate me into feeling guilty about it. I'm not kidding. It's my Achilles Heel, my Kryptonite.

It also keeps me from being truly happy (whatever that means) and from feeling free to be me.

I was told about a week or so ago that I was scattered and needed to find out "who I was." Easier said than done. Both statements are true (and hard to hear). But, I change who I am and try to be based on the circumstances I'm in...a human chameleon. I wouldn't go as far as saying I'm a hypocrite. I do have value system and I do not say one thing and do another, I just give up a little of me to please people.

Pleasing people is born out of guilt.

It's pretty messed up, I'll admit. I confuse my guilt/people pleasing with empathy and sympathy. So, I don't have any words of wisdom or "aha" moments tonight, but rather, looking for some advice.

How do I still show I care without losing myself?

On Peace

Pees - Middle English
Pes - Anglo French
Pax - Latin
Paix - French

Peace...every language has a word for it. I've been longing for peace. Merriam-Webster's second definition of peace is

Freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts and emotions.

The Bible speaks about peace about 400 times. A promise of peace. In the Old Testament, the Israelites were seeking peace from oppression, wars, famine among other things. Jesus' message of peace was more about relying on him and to receive relief from the troubles of this world. Jesus told us not to worry, not to be afraid.

I don't know how to do this. I actually don't have the faith right now to believe that Jesus can give me peace. To me, this seems to be a miraculous gift...an unexplainable gift. And, right now, I just don't believe this is how it works.

I've been treating my faith in God a bit like a superstition or magic. So, if I take out of the equation a belief that I can supernaturally have peace, then how do I make it happen?

Is it a dream, of lofty idea. John Lennon wrote "Imagine all the people Living life in peace."

Exactly, imagine...

Peace seems to come when you are able to cooperate or resolve something with someone. Therefore, it's always dependent on an external influence. I'm not sure true peace can exist on this earth. I'm all for giving peace a chance, but what if someone else isn't.

Since my son has been on the earth our country has been at war. It's so completely normal to him. He actually doesn't think it's sad at all. And, do you think about it each day? We're not at peace as a country. And let's take the war out of the equation. Our country is in economic turmoil, political upheaval, drugs, rapes, murders of innocent kids and elderly, terrorist threats, family crisis', disloyalty, embezzlement, and so on.

These things have been going on since the dawn of time. This imperfect world cannot have peace.

So, why did Jesus say that he was leaving us with his peace? Why did the angels tell the shepherds in the field at Christ birth, "Peace on earth, goodwill toward men?"

I need to re-examine my expectations of peace. To modify what I can live with. John Lennon wasn't the only one to dream of peace, nor is he the last. The oxymoron of the song Imagine for me is that John Lennon was killed by a crazed fan. A man, who longed for peace, was murdered.

Jesus spoke of peace...he was murdered.

So, here's what I'm thinking: True peace isn't attainable on this imperfect world. But, we should do all we can to make our life and the lives of others as peaceable as possible.

Blessed are the peacemakers.

Don't stir up crap and get people mad. Don't start wars. Don't be so angry. Forgive. Seek justice. Make a difference. Come on guys, this is as close are we're going to get.

Side note: my Christmas cards this year will feature CJ giving a peace sign...so I'm not completely jaded :-)

Good Grief

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's just one thing after the other. I tried the positive outlook thing this morning. I said to several different people that today was going to be a good day hoping for a good self-fulfilling prophecy. And, it didn't really work.

It seems the harder some people try the harder they fall. I have about one more ability to deal with stress left in me. After that, I'm pretty sure who ever brings the next "crisis" upon me better get the hell out of my way. (Okay, what that really means is that I don't have the emotional fortitude to care about it...I'm tapped out.)

I'm pissed tonight. So, let me just get it all out. And if you're reading this and you get offended...I actually don't care. Just don't read it anymore.

I'm an adult. Have been for 14 years now. I'm tired of feeling like I'm a child that gets in trouble. I'm also TIRED (understatement) of being on the receiving end of people not hesitating to tell me that they're mad at me. Guess what? Maybe I've been mad at you a gazillion times but have dealt with it and kept it to myself for the sake of peace.

Peace...what a concept! That brings me to my next thought. However, I'm going to talk about that in my next blog. But the idea came to me while watching television tonight.

A Charlie Brown Christmas was on tonight. Always my favorite. And despite the shitty mood I'm in, I still got a little emotional. I identify with Charlie Brown. He's such a good hearted guy and just wants to be accepted. Yet, his crappy "friends" take a stab at him whenever the can. And, on this particular Christmas, Charlie Brown had some issues and was struggling with the whole Christmas season. I totally prefer Halloween to Christmas because Halloween seems a little more authentic year after year. Christmas...what a joke. So, here's some favorite quotes from the movie and my commentary on them.

Charlie Brown: "I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus. Christmas is coming, but I'm not happy. I don't feel the way I'm supposed to feel. I just don't understand Christmas, I guess. I like getting presents and sending Christmas cards and decorating trees and all that, but I'm still not happy. I always end up feeling depressed."

I'm with ya Charlie. Not giving into all the commercialism makes you stick out like a sore thumb among those who think living in the malls and stores is what makes you happy. I try to conform with the decorations, cards, baking, etc. but I'm not happy either. And you're right, this just leaves you feeling depressed. Like something is wired wrong because Christmasy goodness doesn't seep out your ass. Ugh.

Charlie Brown: I guess you were right, Linus. I shouldn't have picked this little tree. Everything I do turns into a disaster. I guess I really don't know what Christmas is all about. [shouting in desperation] Isn't there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?

It does seem for me that no matter how well intentioned I am, it's taken the wrong way. People don't stop to reflect and listen. My experience in the last couple of months is that people don't listen at all! Before the words barely leave your mouth, someone is running theirs. Last year I had a situation where I truly tried to communicate my feelings and thoughts about an issue. This ended badly. So much for open communication. It led to me being told in so many words that I was ungrateful and rude. Hmmm....maybe I can be rude at times and be honest, aren't you? But ungrateful. Ouch! That hit below the belt. I'm hardly ungrateful. My attempt to bring about a healthy two-way conversation turned into a disaster.

Charlie Brown: Rats. Nobody sent me a Christmas card today. I almost wish there weren't a holiday season. I know nobody likes me. Why do we have to have a holiday season to emphasize it?

This year I'm with ya. I wish there weren't a holiday season...except St. Patrick's Day :-)

Good grief!

A Good Day

Monday was a fine day. Really, it was a whole day without too many issues. I mean, CJ's bus driver did forget to drop him off again and there were some issues surrounding that, but other than that, it was pretty good.

A much needed good day!

Monday also marked the end of my birthday celebrations. This year I've had about four birthday celebrations...the most ever. I have an awesome group of family and friends who have really pulled together to make things special for me this year. So, if you're reading this, thanks so very much!

On Mondays

It's officially Monday. A new work week. A week filled with meetings, stress, and the unknown. I think that's what scares me about Mondays. What will I wake up to? What awaits me at work? What have I not done or done incorrectly?

Monday is a paradox for me. It's that fear of the unknown for the next seven days, but also a fresh start.

I'm not instinctively a pessimist. I've always had the tendency to see the good in most people and situations. Here lately I've been a mess. Angry and jaded. I don't know when I'll snap out of it, but I do hope that I will. I'm realizing that I have a choice on how I look at the world and I like the old view better.

I think today I will embrace the idea of Monday being a fresh start and hope for good things. I do believe that we create our reality. If I think that everyone is against me and the world is out to go get me, it will-because I've allowed it to.

On a spiritual note, I think we open the door to oppression when we turn our thoughts over to the "dark side" (yeah, there's a little Star Wars theology for ya). It's like we open the front door to our house and announce on a megaphone, "My door is open for anyone who would like to come in! Bring your friends depression, hate, jealousy, anger, faithlessness, distrust, etc." When we invite them, they come.

Today, I'm going to close the door and try not to open it when these "visitors" come knocking. My challenge is to do this all week. The visitors are always knocking at all our doors. Depending on where we are in life depends on if we even notice them.

So here's what I'm thinking: At some point we have to own up to the reality that we are in control. I put too much of this responsibility back on God. I have the free will to decide how I'm going to react to the world around me and what I allow myself to feel.

Here's to "a case of the Mondays!" May yours be a "case" of goodness!

On Girlfriends

I've had trust issues with females for a very long time. I'm sure this started at a young age when I was impacted by the lying, backstabbing, two-faced friends that I aligned myself with. I've always been drawn to mean girls for some reason.

This has been my story up until very recently. All I've gotten from these mean girl relationships is hurt, anger and a lower sense of myself. I've given up all that I thought I was just to be friends with the "cool kids."

As you can tell from my blogs, I've had a crappy year. But the silver lining this year is my girlfriends, especially two of them, Danielle and Jessie. These two gals have been angels in disguise. They are selfless, caring, giving of their hearts and time, and hurt when I hurt.

Today we spent the day shopping and just being girls. I'm not sure I've ever done this before. I've been perfectly fine spending all my time with my husband. I'm not discounting this relationship, but I've learned that if done correctly, friendships with girls are very much needed in a girls life.

So here's what I'm thinking: It's not important who your friends are or how they are perceived in your circle (whether it's school, workplace, church, etc.). It's important how much you need each other. It's not important how many friends you've accumulated or how many friends are listed on your Facebook. How many of them would cry tears for your pain, rejoice when you've done something better for yourself, tell you the truth about a bad decision you're about to make, encourage your dreams?

Take the time to reflect on who it is in your life that's worth investing time in. But make sure it's mutual. Don't waste your energy on the energy suckers (you know the ones: you try and try and don't get anything back).

A good friend is cheaper than therapy -Author unknown

On Fridays

How many times did you hear or read, "TGIF" today? As I logged onto Facebook this morning I read it a couple of times. Everyone is thankful for the weekend and some are just thankful for it to be Friday.

Today at work, we said to each other, "You doing anything fun this weekend?" or "Have a great weekend," "See ya on Monday."

Those two special days of the week, Saturday and Sunday hold so many hopes for everyone. It's a release from the daily grind. The pressures of the week. Many choose to sleep in, or get up early and make the most of the day. Sometimes we pack the weekends with so much fun (or alcohol) that our Monday mornings are miserable because we didn't rest at all.

But Friday offers us hope for some reason. Hope for something better to come...even if it's just for a couple of days.

So here's what I'm thinking: I know Monday through Friday is crazy. Work schedules, family schedules, extra-curricular activities, homework, late evenings, fast food, etc. But why can't we try to make the work week meaningful too? I mean, what if we didn't make it to the weekend? My point is this, we always waiting for something better to come...it's always in the future. Why can't we make our reality better now? I believe we're in total control of that. So what if someone is ticking you off, if your job sucks, if your schedule is hectic...do something out of the ordinary. I know you can't do this every day of your life.

My challenge is this: next week pick a day. I don't care, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and do something you wouldn't normally do. Drink two glasses of wine at dinner...meet friends for dinner...go see a movie by yourself or with friends...take a long way home (I did this tonight and it's surprisingly refreshing). Don't cheat yourself by only giving yourself two days a week to relax and have fun. Embrace the now.

Embrace the now.

On the Holidays

The holiday season can be quite painful for those who are struggling in life, regardless of your beliefs.

I live in a media-centered world. My head has always been in the clouds. I'm a dreamer. But this lends to major disappointment most of the time. No one can live up to the grand dream I have in my head--my expectations are just too grand. Though, I can't help but think that life could be like that. But then, I have to remind myself that I cannot control the response of others.

So, what are you supposed to do this time of year when you feel...shitty? I walk through the mall and I see people angry, stressed, kids crying, parents frustrated, rude sales clerks, near wrecks in the parking lots and this is supposed to be "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year?"

I'm over the Christmas commercials, movies and music. My family isn't the same depicted in the Hallmark commercials I used to cry at. Now I just scoff at them and think, "Now that's just ridiculous." I'll never find myself in a cabin in the woods during a thunderstorm and hide into the arms of my brave husband who then pulls out a diamond ring for me (thanks Kay Jewelers). Santa isn't going to fix my families problems and give us our dreams (thanks Miracle on 34th Street). And, I'm definitely not dreaming of a white Christmas. It will just make the roads terrible to drive on.

Yeah, I'm becoming cynical and hard. Not really me at all. But I'm sick and tired of trying to see everything and everyone through rose colored glasses. I'm tired of believing that people do have my best interest in mind. I'm tired of believing that the best is yet to come. I'm tired of...believing.

So, this holiday season, I'm gonna give up those dreams, expectations and hope. Instead, I'm going to take control over my happiness which means it cannot be dependent on outside influences (people or events).

You know, I'm just pissed off tonight. And, damn it, I have a right to be. I'm angry, bitter, tired, jealous, irritated, annoyed, scared, sad, frustrated, and confused.

So here's what I'm thinking tonight: Mr. Grinch got a bad rep from all those stupid, wide-eyed and bushy-tailed innocent Whos. Did anyone hurt in Whoville? Did they experience death, dysfunction, baggage from relationships? It seems they didn't. But, the Grinch, who had experienced something devastating had to run away to a cave to escape the nonsense. And all the Whos were fine with that. They didn't want him to drag their perfect world down. They just LOVED Christmas and he wasn't feeling it.

So, call me the Grinch for now. I'm okay with that. But don't worry, I don't have the time, energy or desire to steal your gifts, trees or decorations :-)

On Christianity...

Being a Christian is a funny thing. How you "practice" your Christian faith is based on a variety of factors: what part of the globe your from, your past experiences, your conversion experience, what denomination you belong to, who your parents are, where you work, what music you like, if you like alcohol or not, education level, where you are in life.

My point is this, being a Christian is about as unique as our own fingerprints. One size doesn't fit all, yet institutionalized "religion" tries to make it such. If you're an independent Baptist, you are taught that the King James version of the Bible is the only true word of God...and no dancing, rock and roll, alcohol or smoking (pretty much the theme to Footloose). However, everyone varies in what they do behind closed doors. So, what's the point in playing along if we're all going to do what we want anyway.

I have a strong distaste for hypocrisy. I always have. I've always been unconfortable playing one part and then doing another...though I've played it well , so I'm not putting myself on a pedestal. I had a moment tonight. My pastor stopped by to check in on me. My older brother passed away on Halloween this year. He was only 37 years old. He meant alot to me and taught me the importance of "unlearning" alot of the religious garbage that I've come accustom to. So, as the pastor was standing in my hallway I could almost feel Charlie chuckling at me because I purposely kept the pastor in the hallway. Why? Well, instant panic hit me when I opened the door and saw his face. What's the first thing that came to my mind? I have a bottle of wine, coconut rum and Southern Comfort on the counter in my kitchen...he will think I'm a big-time sinner!

Now, Charlie had to be laughing somewhere up in heaven because on the predicament I'm in. I've been taught virtually my whole life that drinking is NOT something good Christian people do, despite the fact that I actually don't believe this. I am a fundamentalist. I do literally believe the word of God, and all I can come to grips with is that God says he doesn't like drunkards...aka alcoholics. Yes, I believe that Jesus created wine (and drank it too) at the wedding in Cana. I don't necessarily believe it was unfermented, though I don't care if it was. Christians get way too hung up on stuff like this. What does it freaking matter?

So, here's what I'm thinkin'...why do Christians put some much pressure on themselves to look, act, dress and behave in certain ways? The only thing I figure is that Jesus left his followers with pretty clear directions...go and tell people that HE is the Messiah...HE became the final sacrifice to satisfy the curse of death so we can live eternally. Oh, and to love on people...to serve people...to hang out with those who the "religious" people scoff at and so on.

Do I think that Jesus cares that I have a bottle of rum in my kitchen? No. But He does care how lazy I've been in heeding His call. I've ran away from my mission. I've sunk my head into other things in hopes that He'll go away and leave me alone. Doing his work is hard and you don't get any recognition (a sin that plagues me to the fullest).

I'm trying. I've had the crappiest year of my life. And losing Charlie was the climax thus far. I'm angry but I really don't know at who. If I can be most honest, I'm not sure it's even at God. He's just been the easiest one to blame (next to the Devil). But God has felt this hurt and I believe He feels it with me. Does that make me feel better? Eh...

So Here's What I'm Thinkin'....

So, for those of you who know me for real, I must tell you that I'm not crazy and know that my name is different. This was after a discussion with my husband who encouraged me to use a pseudonym. For those of you who know him, you know that he didn't use that word. Rather, he said to use a fake name to protect my identity given what he does. So, please play along and call me Virginia. And for those of you who really know me, you'll know what my name means.

I am sitting at the kitchen table with my husband having a conversation about what to call him. He came up with K-dub, 007 and "IT"...I don't like any of these, so I won't decide tonight. If you have any ideas let me know.

However, I have to give credit where credit is due. He helped me name this blog that I've been wanting to start for a very long time. I need a creative outlet. I need to write again. I need to have my thoughts on paper...er...I guess the computer. After my carefully picked name was taken (it was Serendipity...isn't that such a great word and meaning?) I needed help choosing something that was just me. I didn't want it to relate to me being identified as a wife, mother, employee, etc. And apparently I randomly say (often), "So, here's what I'm thinkin'..."

I'm often in deep thought. Hard to believe with how much I talk. But I am a deep thinker. I hope you all will join me in my thoughts too!